Oops!
by Smylingsnake
Summary: There are times when "Oops!" is the last thing you want to hear. When you're in the middle of having a demon fox upgrade your body is one of them. A funny tale of consequences and accidental breakages.
1. Chapter 1

I don't own Naruto. This should be obvious, but it needs to be said nonetheless.

Now for the story.

--

Yep, it was official. Today _sucked._

'_Why'_, thought Naruto as he sat in ankle-deep water, _'can we never have a C-Rank mission that _stays_ a C-Rank mission?'_

A simple guard mission, they said. A merchant that needed protection from bandits. No problem.

And then, sure as the seasons, the problems had appeared. First, it was not so much a _merchant_ that needed protection as a merchant _caravan._ Granted, they promised to pay extra for the slight deception but still, a genin team to guard ten merchants and their shipments?

And then there were the reports they'd been given on the potential bandit threat. One or two groups of maybe five bandits each, the merchants had said. Ok, five bandits were child's play for even one genin, much less a team. Hell, even Sakura could take out five bandits, much less Naruto or (much as he disliked the teme) Sasuke.

It had been an unwelcome surprise, then, to encounter a group of twenty-five bandits, led by one Masahashi Jiru, a B-Rank missing-nin.

His arrival, Naruto reflected as he listened to the dripping of water in his mindscape, had been the point at which the situation became well and truly crap. Naruto had been holding his own with the aid of his Shadow Clones when the pasty-faced bastard had appeared next to him and punched him right in the gut with some green-violet glowing jutsu. He wasn't sure what jutsu it had been (Masahashi not having been considerate enough to call out the name of the technique), but he was aware of several important facts:

1) It had given off a faint buzzing sound.

2) It had caused him to lose all muscle control, and

3) It had hurt like a _bitch_!

The last memory Naruto had before blacking out was the sound of his scream echoing around him as Kakashi-sensei opened the missing-nin's throat. Then it all went dark.

"**You know Kit, that fleshbag took you out way too easily".**

And now he had an overgrown fur wrap running off its mouth as well. Today was just getting better and better, wasn't it?

"Shut it Baka-Fox. Not like you were helping any."

"**Seriously Kit, your physical skills are pretty pathetic. Really."** Even though all Naruto could see was the glowing eyes, he could actually feel the sneer in its voice. **"I mean, your chakra control's finally approaching tolerable and on a good day you can pass for average in brains, but physically...? Pah!"**

"Big words from the furball in the cage. You talking for a reason, or ya just bored?"

"**No kit, I'm offering you a solution."** The growling demonic voice was suddenly serious. **"Allow me a connection to your senses and I'll make your body into something a little closer to perfection than your current shaved-ape form."**

"And I suppose you have no other reason for offering this than the simple desire to smell a flower or taste some ramen, huh?"

"**How you pink fleshbags came to rule this world I'll never know", **the demon sighed. **"Look. The technique that pale simian hit you with burned out most of your voluntary nervous system. If you wish to be able to move again I suggest you take my offer. I am ****not**** going to be stuck in an immobile yellow-headed monkey-boy, understand? As long as I'm going to be fixing you, I may as well make you into something I could tolerate being associated with. Then again",** the fox's tone became dry, **"you could always choose to spend your days lying immobile in a bed with a catheter in an unpleasant place…"**

Naruto was silent for a moment before speaking in a speculative tone. "So…what changes were you thinking of?"

"**Where do I start? Taller, stronger, faster. If you ask nicely, I could have a look for any bloodline limits you might have as well."**

"Taller?! You could make me taller?!"

To never be 'The Shrimp' again…!

'_**I'm never going to live this down with the other Bijuu'.**_** "Yes brat, I can make you taller".**

"Gimme your word you won't try to escape or take me over and we can deal, Fox. Oh, and no fox ears or tail or stuff like that."

"**I'll just be watching through your senses, brat, like those TV things. It gets surprisingly boring here in this sewer. You have my word". **

'_Why _is_ it a sewer in here anyway? It's not like I have a dirty mind or something'._ Shaking off his thoughts, Naruto stepped up to the cage. "Ok Fox, what do I do?"

"**Tear off about a quarter of the seal to let my chakra flow. Then hang onto your arse".**

Forcing down some final misgivings, the blond took the seal in hand. Ero-Sennin had told him that demons had to keep their word once it was given, as the Kyuubi had. Picturing a life spent limp on a hospital bed, Naruto made his decision. The benefits outweighed the risks.

Taking a deep breath, he tore the seal.

Like a luminous fog, the red chakra flooded out of the cage, twining about his limbs and surging through the halls of his mind as the Kyuubi began a running dialogue.

"**Hold on gaki, this is going to hurt. Let's see now, start with the bones first. Correct the calcium deficiency and properly heal all those old fractures. Stimulate lateral bone growth…"**

The fox had been right, it did indeed hurt. The funny thing was, though, it hurt far _less_ than he had expected. More an all-over migraine than the burning agony the fox had implied.

"…**sharpen up the eyesight (can't have my container needing glasses, after all), tune up the lungs and metabolism (the crap you eat it's amazing you made it past three feet!), boost the other senses (those Inuzuka think they're the best. Hah!), tweak the immune system…"**

Listening to it ramble, Naruto couldn't help but consider it a good thing that the Kyuubi would be able to share his senses.

'_Fox's getting a bit shack-wacky.'_

"**No latent bloodline limits, tough luck gaki. Oh well, I'll just make all the changes hereditary. Right, nearly done, just the 'stronger, faster, tougher' part. **

**Don't bother me, gaki,"** it rumbled as Naruto went to speak, **"this is delicate. Now, strengthen the cell connections in muscle fibres…"**

There are certain comments that, for the safety of all concerned, should not be made. Anyone saying "at least it can't get any worse", for example, will generally be swiftly proven wrong by the Law of Irony. The one asking "Is that all you've got?" will be hit, the one saying "We're out of range" will be shot and the one saying "I think we've lost them" will be found.

Which explains why, mere moments after the Kyuubi's demand of silence, Naruto's nose began to twitch.

Panicking, the blond youth tried vainly to resist as he felt the sneeze building, an act known to be utterly pointless by anyone to make the attempt. No, when the sneeze arrived (all the more powerful for Naruto's attempt to stifle it), it arrived with the force of a hurricane and the volume of an artillery shell.

"aa-aa-AA-CHOO!!"

The following events occurred in quick succession. The Kyuubi, startled, instinctively pulsed its chakra, causing a momentary but sizable surge. The surge (itself sufficient chakra to create a good seven thousand Shadow Clones), flooded down the linkage and amplified the strengthening pattern already there, the sudden neural feedback in turn causing Naruto to howl in pain before collapsing, stunned, onto the submerged floor.

"**Ehehehe. Um, whoops?"**

--

Naruto wasn't sure how a long-eared, nine-tailed, demonic fox the size of a warehouse could actually sound sheepish, but the Kyuubi was making a decent attempt.

"What…did…you…do…baka…fox?" he hissed through teeth clenched in residual pain.

"**Uuuuuuummmm… whenyousneezedyoustartledmeandIputtoomuchchakraintomakingyoustronger".**

Naruto was glad for his clearing head as he parsed the sentence, his lips moving as he extracted the Kyuubi's meaning.

"So, you made me stronger than you meant to? A lot stronger?" At the Kyuubi's **"Err, yes, but…"** the blond youth clambered to his feet with a groan and headed excitedly for the exit. "Cool, I'm strong now! Can't wait to test it! It's the big passageway to get back to waking, right?"

"**Oi, Gaki! You're stronger but your control's shot to hell! You might-"**

"So I'll train a bit", breezed Naruto as he left his subconscious and a quietly fuming Kyuubi behind. "It's just some extra strength, after all. Ja!"

As the blonde's voice and presence faded, the Kyuubi growled softly. **"How the hell did that gaki survive this long? Oh, I just **_**know**_** I'm going to get a headache from this!"** With a rumbling sigh the vast vulpine made itself comfortable in the cage and concentrated on the sensations of the link as Naruto woke up…

--

The first thing Naruto became aware of as he awoke was the lack of pain. In face, he would almost go so far as to say-

'_I feel really good! Huh, never been able to say that after an injury before'._

It was true, though. All the minor aches, pains and twinges that Naruto had come to regard as a fact of life were gone, their very absence providing tremendous pleasure.

And the sensations! Even before he opened his eyes Naruto could tell he was in a hospital (slight smell of disinfectant), that the room was otherwise unoccupied (no other human traces of smell or sound) and that it was morning (sound of birdcalls and smell of coffee and toast). All of these together, plus the texture and clean smell of the sheets, told him he was most likely in the recently designated "Rookie Ward" (created when Tsunade noted the injury rate among Naruto's social set and deemed putting them all in one place a more economical option).

Opening his eyes not only confirmed his conclusions but made him acutely aware of just what people meant when they used the phrase "eyes like a hawk".

'_My god. I was _blind_ before!'_

Initially content to lie there and bask in the sensations, the growling of his overly insistent stomach indicated the time elapsed since his last meal. Fumbling for a moment in search of the pager button for an orderly, he uttered a silent prayer that it would be one of the _nice_ orderlies Baachan had been hiring.

-CRUNCH-

'_Huh,'_ thought Naruto, gazing at the shards of plastic in his hand, _'seems a bit more fragile than I remember. Oh well,_' he thought as he hopped out of bed and wandered to the door,_ 'there should be someone outside'._

-CRUNCH-

As Naruto stood in the doorway, several facts presented themselves. First (and least relevant), the door was now open. Second, the reason that the door was now open was largely due to the fact that it had been torn from the frame. Finally, the doorknob (he noticed upon leaning the stricken door against the wall), was now seriously distorted, with _fingerprints_ pressed into the metal.

After staring blankly at the hand responsible for a few moments, the stunned blond cast his thoughts inward.

'_Hey Fox, you there?'_

"**Yup."** Something in the tone suggested amusement, not that Naruto really cared at that moment.

'_About this door I –'_

"**- Just tore from the wall without really trying? What about it?"**

'_Just how much stronger did you make me, fox?'_ Naruto was quite proud of how level he was keeping his mental tone.

"**Well, I'd already brought you to the highest possible natural strength for your frame, then I was aiming for about ten times stronger than that."**

Naruto felt his eyebrow twitch.

'_So how much stronger _did_ you make me?'_

"**Oh…about a hundred times or so."**

Staggering back to sit on the bed, a glazed look spread over the youth's face. _'A hundred times stronger than the strongest natural human, huh?'_

"**Well, it's actually more like one hundred and thirteen times, but who's counting?"**

'_Oh. Cool. Now I can move house. Literally! Ahaha'._

"**Oi kit, come back to me here"** growled Naruto's grudging tenant in a worried tone. When the vacant grin and giggling of its jailor failed to cease, the fox concentrated on the sensory link.

"**Dammit Kit, snap out of it! SENSORY FEEDBACK!"**

-Smack!-

"Ite! What the hell-?"

"**Shut up kit. The blond with the big mammaries your monkey-troop follows is coming. You may as well tell her what happened, she'll figure it out soon enough on her own. Don't tell anyone else though, no sense throwing oil on a fire. And for Inari's sake, get her to find someone to get your muscle control back up. Now look lively, here she comes".**

As the sound of heavy footfalls grew closer, Naruto felt an instinctive wince beginning to form.

"I hope she's in a good mood."

Looking at the visage of the Hokage, one might be forgiven for thinking her to be calm, collected and composed. To the eyes of an expert, however, this was most assuredly _not_ the case. Over the years Naruto (and indeed, the rest of the Rookie Twelve) had come to be quite adept at gauging the mood of Konoha's beloved leader. It was clear to the bombastic blond, therefore, that goofy behaviour and loudness would be a Bad Move at the moment. Such actions, invalid status notwithstanding, would result in an acute case of 'Punched-into-the-plaster-itis'. No, better to let her speak first.

The Reader will not be surprised to learn that Naruto's impulse control has experienced a sharp increase during Tsunade's tenure as Hokage.

Tsunade's first move, seizing him in a hug that did its best to crush his spine and ribcage into powder, was not unexpected. The lack of the sensation of creaking bone and incipient asphyxiation, on the other hand, _was._

"**Hahaha, that's quality work right there! See that? 300 kilograms of pressure and not a ****crack**** from that ribcage! Kyuubi work: proof against Killer Death Hugs of Doom!"**

'_Will you keep your crazy contained, Baka fox?'_

"Hey Baachan."

Speaking, it seemed, has been a mistake.

"What the hell do you mean, "Hey Baachan"?! How the hell did you get yourself hit with an A-rank torture jutsu on an escort mission? And-!"

Rage faded and comprehension dawned in the taller bond's eyes. Naruto found a shaking finger levelled at him.

"How the hell are you awake and moving?! The jutsu-! Body Prison-! _You should be paralysed_!"

Naruto scratched the back of his head, chuckling nervously.

"Hehe. Um…I got better?"

Judging from the twitching eyebrow that his answer was insufficient Naruto sighed, jammed the door back into its frame as best he could (gathering a startled glance from Tsunade) and sat back on the bed.

"Ok, I got hit with the jutsu…"

--

**Author's Notes**

Well, here's chapter one. The idea for this tale came from my reading a lot of stories in which Naruto gets upgraded and goes on to master blood limits, take on Akatsuki blindfolded and leap the Hokage monument in a single bound. now, i enjoyed those stories a great deal and won't hear a word said against them (as long as they're well-written, of course), but i got to thinking about the possible drawbacks to getting a Kyuubi-boost. This story is the result.

I'm going to use the first few chapters to establish scene and mood, then moving into having each chapter a self-contained mini-story. Don't expect too much drama, though there will be a little here and there.

As always, reviews are welcome, but please keep criticism constructive.

Smylingsnake out.


	2. Chapter 2

I don't own Naruto. It would be awesome if I did, but to quote Brilliant Dynamites Neon (from Trigun, which I don't own either), "Life is rarely that Beautiful". Them's the breaks.

'_Thinking'_

"**Kyuubi speaking"**

-Sound Effect-

Story now!

--

Tsunade sighed. This was shaping up to be a three aspirin conversation.

"Alright, let me go through it again to make sure I understand. You got hit with the Body Prison jutsu, passed out and woke up in your mindscape, whereupon you met the Kyuubi."

Naruto nodded.

"The Kyuubi, an ancient demon of incalculable power, then offered to fix you up, indeed, improve you, in exchange for a link with your senses."

Another nod.

"During the process of upgrading your body you somehow sneezed (in a mindscape), causing the Kyuubi to accidentally make you some 120 times stronger than normal. You then woke up and, misjudging your strength, ripped the door from its frame. Is that all pretty accurate?"

"Um, yeah, that's about it. You ok Baachan? Your eyebrow's twitching".

"Naruto," said Tsunade in a sweet tone that nonetheless sent chills up his spine, "when the demon that very nearly destroyed Konoha offered you a boon, did you ever stop to wonder about its motives? Like, maybe, ESCAPING FROM THE SEAL AND LAYING WASTE TO THE VILLAGE?"

Smoothing hair that had been blown back by the force of Tsunade's roar, Naruto glared defiantly back at her.

"It sounded like a better option than being a vegetable on a hospital bed for the rest of my life! Besides," he continued more quietly, "Kyuubi gave me its word it wouldn't try to escape, and Ero-Sennin told me that demons have to keep their words".

Tsunade, recognising further argument to be futile, sighed.

"Alright, setting that aside for the moment, we're going to have to run a proper examination to gauge the changes you've undergone, organise some physiotherapy, and-"

-Gurglegrowl-

"-Get you something to eat before you start chewing on the bed sheets. Again. Shizune!"

"Yes, Tsunade-sama?" Tsunade's dark-haired apprentice asked as she swung the door open…to have it fall to the floor with a crash.

Stepping in before the sputtered apologies could progress, Tsunade raised her voice.

"It's alright Shizune, Naruto did that. Could you head down to Ichiraku's and get two 'Naruto Specials'?"

'"_Naruto did that"?'_ "Uh, of course Tsunade-sama. I'll be back shortly."

"Now", Tsunade continued as Shizune left, "I'm going to run a diagnostic jutsu to get an idea of the changes the fox made. I'll have Jiraiya check the seal later as well. Now, hold still". Hands glowing green with medical chakra, Tsunade leaned forward.

Tsunade's expression was an interesting study as her eyes widened and face blanched, before it relaxed into a look Naruto mentally pegged as "it could only happen to Naruto". The light of the jutsu fading, Tsunade gave a long-suffering sigh.

"How do you get into situations like this, Naruto?" Recognising the question as rhetorical Naruto declined to answer, instead raising an eyebrow in enquiry.

"So, what's changed Baachan?"

"Well, you've gained about twenty centimetres in height, your resting heartbeat is thirty beats per minute, your neural transmission speed is _insane_ and it looks like you'll never get ill again, the way your immune and digestive systems are now".

"Sooooo…I'm taller, faster and healthier?"

A sigh. "Yes Naruto, you're taller, faster and healthier".

"And the strength boost?"

Tsunade mentally cringed. This part would potentially be the hardest to deal with.

"Yes. Your muscles are considerably denser and your skeleton, tendons and connective tissue have been strengthened proportionally. Essentially," Tsunade decided to summarise, seeing the glazed look creeping onto Naruto's face, "You are much stronger and much tougher. You'll probably never break a bone or tear a muscle again".

Naruto's expression was rather like the sun coming up. _'Dammit Naruto, I have to tell you the drawbacks now! Stop making me feel guilty!'_

"The trouble, Naruto, is that you have muscle control only for your _former_ strength."

"Is that why I accidentally broke the door?" asked Naruto in reply, face creased in a pensive frown.

"Exactly. It's as though an academy student were suddenly given a Kage's chakra reserves. Too much force with too little control." Nodding as the younger blonde's eyes widened in comprehension, Tsunade continued. "I hate to say it Naruto, but at the moment you're a danger to yourself and those around you. You vitally need to get control of your strength, and I'm not able to teach you."

"What?! But you're stronger than anyone, Baachan! Why can't you teach me?"

"Because my super-strength technique is just that, a technique. Since it only activates when I will it, muscle control isn't an issue. No, let me think about this for a moment, Naruto."

Tsunade was spared further badgering and a further slump in Naruto's mood by the return of Shizune with the desired ramen.

"Ramen! Thanks Shizune-neechan! Oh, I can't wai-"

-Crunchsplat-

"AAH! HOT!!"

Startled from her thoughts by Naruto's shriek, Tsunade looked up to behold a frantic Naruto towelling off ramen broth and noodles from his lap, shards of broken crockery festooning the bed, Shizune looking on in worried incomprehension.

"Ah, right. Shizune, Naruto's unable to control his strength at the moment. You'll have to feed him for the time being, at least until he gets some control back."

"The choices, Naruto," she snapped over his indignant exclamations, "are either being fed ramen by Shizune or having nothing but hospital soup through a straw until your therapy is complete".

Mentally comparing the two options suppled, Naruto settled down and prepared to receive the ramen with the respect it deserved.

Shizune, for her part, was blushing furiously but unsure why. _'It's not like I haven't fed patients before, after all. Yes, that's it! Think of Naruto-kun a patient!'_

Picking up the second bowl (and noting Tsunade's foresight at specifying TWO bowls), she took up some noodles in the hashi and held it out to the blond. "Here you are, Naruto-kun. Open wide."

Salivating, Naruto took the noodles into his mouth.

-Crunch-

''_Crunch'? Ramen doesn't go 'crunch'. What the hell?'_

"Were you really _that_ hungry, Naruto?"asked Shizune shakily, staring at the now-shorter chopsticks.

Naruto sheepishly spat the bitten-off ends into his hand. "Ehehehe…sorry".

Shrugging, the dark-haired medic picked up the other pair of hashi and resumed the process of transferring ramen from bowl to belly, its recipient taking care to keep his teeth at a distance.

The feeding progressing apace, Tsunade tined the pair out and began to ponder.

'_Ok, training the kid in his strength. I can't do it. Jiraiya's had too much influence over him as it is, and he's a ninjutsu specialist anyway'._

Casting her mind through the ranks of chunin and jounin, the blond Hokage grew more and more frustrated. _'Kurenai? No. Kakashi? No. Asuma? Maybe, but I'd never get him to agree, lazy bum. Ibiki? No. Anko? No. Brrr. Hayate? No. Dammit, curse the ninjutsu focus of this village! I need a taijutsu…specialist…_

_Oh no.'_

Blanching, Tsunade racked her brain, trying desperately to think of someone, anyone, else.

To no avail.

'_Please Naruto, forgive me for what I must do.'_

A loud and satisfied sigh indicated that the ramen transfer procedure was complete. Clearing her throat, Tsunade gained the attention of her assistant and surrogate brother.

"Shizune, go to training ground seventeen and inform Maito Gai that I wish to speak with him concerning Naruto's training ASAP".

"Hai, Tsunade-sama."

"You want Super Bushy Brows to train me?" asked Naruto as Shizune left, his tone equal parts thoughtful and worried.

"Yes Naruto, though you will call him Gai-sensei, understand?" At his nod, she continued. "As a taijutsu specialist he has an intimate knowledge of muscle control, which makes him your best bet for training in the village."

'_But I swear, if I see so much as a_ hint_ of green spandex or 'Flames of Youth', there will be a __reckoning__!'_

"Hmm. Yeah. Gai-sensei trained Lee, and Lee's _really_ strong, so he could probably train me really well. Ain't like Kakashi-sensei'll train me, after all…"

The last was almost whispered by the younger blond, but one did not become Hokage without being able to listen, and Tsunade was forced to stifle a growl at the thought of the cyclopic shinobi. _'If he weren't so skilled I'd have fired him for his attitude alone.'_

About to step in to break Naruto from his silence, she was pre-empted as the hyper blond bounded from the bed with a cry of "oh yeah, I haven't even looked at the changes yet" as he headed for the attached bathroom in search of a mirror.

"Oi Naruto, be careful of the-"

-Crunch-

"-door. Never mind."

This was a hospital. Surely they had aspirin _somewhere_.

Naruto sheepishly leaned the stricken door against the wall and slipped into the small room.

"Yatta! I'm taller!"

For all his complaining, for all the inconvenience the fox's changes looked like bringing, he had to admit that when it came to body sculpting the big furball did good work.

As Tsunade had said, he stood a good twenty centimetres taller. Beyond that, he was broader of shoulder, tighter of stomach and longer of limb. The baby fat had left him, replaced with sharply defined (and quite obviously effective!) muscle. His hair, still in spikes that defied both control and gravity, now reached past his shoulders in a yellow mane.

'_Huh. Oi, fox!'_

"**Yeah Brat?"**

'_Why'd you make my hair longer? It's not like it has anything to do with being stronger or faster or anything'._

"**Because long hairis cool and manly"** responded the Kyuubi in the slow, clear tones used when addressing idiots and fans of reality television. **"A naked ape like you needs all the help you can get. It's only a pity you're too young for a beard…"**

Naruto pictured himself with waist-length hair and a blond beard and felt a chill.

'_Nope, nope, I don't think I wanna go any further with that line of thought.'_

Naruto's rumination was interrupted by the sound of approaching thunder, interspersed with the occasional shout of "Youth!"

'_Sounds like Super Fuzzy Brows is here. Better head back out'._

Carefully edging around the door and back into the main room, he had just climbed hack into bed (crushing a railing in the process) when a green spandex-clad typhoon arrived.

"Yosh! As I promised your most youthful apprentice, Hokage-sama, I have arrived!"

"…Aspirin. Lots of aspirin. BIG aspirin. Right, Gai." Tsunade muttered to herself before straightening. "Naruto has suffered a complication from a paralysis jutsu, leading to his muscle density and reaction time exceeding his control. You are to train him until his control is back to scratch".

Tsunade's heart sank at the look of incomprehension on the jounin's face.

"Let me, Baachan. Lee taught me to speak a little Youth". Naruto cleared his throat.

'_I'll need a wash after this, I just know it'._

"Gai-Sensei, our Youthful Hokage wishes you to train me. My Flames of Youth have recently flared into a conflagration beyond my ability to control. Your Youthful Training skills are needed to restore my Youthfulness to balance".

'_I feel so dirty'._

"**There, there kit. It'll be ok".**

"Ah! I see!" cried the exuberant jounin as understanding dawned. "Of course I shall train you! Arrive at training ground seventeen after your team meeting and I shall begin your Youthful Training. I shall now go and prepare! By your leave, Hokage-sama?"

Gai bounded from the room at Tsunade's wordless not, passing a stunned-looking Shizune in the corridor.

"You have a gift for languages, huh Naruto?" Tsunade queried in a slightly vacant tone.

"I don't wanna talk about it."

--

**Author's Notes**

Well, this humble story was recieved pretty well! i realise that this is more a scene than a chapter, but matters will improve from here on in.

and now,

**Review Responses!**

escudo-blade: indeed you are, good sir.

kd8gun: Thanks! i haven't really thought of pairings, beyond "heh, that might work...". rest assured, there WILL be some, i just haven't decided yet. on a related note, there will NOT be any Harem happenings. i like the harem concept well, enough, but i'm aiming to move away from that in this tale.

enderverse: thank you! yeah, that was my thinking too. the main character shouldn't have things too easy, imho.

Psychick23: thanks!

Red King: what a cool idea! i'd love to be able to write something like that, but a training montage seems to be a bit hard to put in test. it's just not the same without a cheesy musical background, after all. i MIGHT have naruto learn some of those things from Tsunade, but with his own twist. oh, i have such ideas...

Chaos728: No, no harem action here. one, two parings at the most. sorry.

ok, that's all the reviews! stay tuned for the next chapter, gentle readers.

**Next on 'Oops!': Gai is serious! Neji is cheery! Logs fall from the sky! And a certain scarecrow gets a very little of what's coming to him! **

**Smylingsnake out. **


	3. Chapter 3

Nope, still don't own Naruto.

'_Thinking'_

"**Kyuubi speaking"**

-Sound Effect-

Story now!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The sound of grumbling interspersed with stomping footfalls filled the air as Naruto trudged toward Training Ground 17.

"Stupid team. Not my fault they didn't believe me. Had a letter from Baachan, but noooooo, Naruto can't possibly have gotten stronger, rassum frassum…"

The astute reader will note that Naruto was in rather less than a good mood. Such an observation would be the truth. In fact, the blond demon container would be forgiven for thinking that the world, Kami and causality itself were all against him, a myriad small events conspiring to bring him down.

The first of these had been waking up. Under normal circumstances a pleasant experience, in this case he had accidentally put a fist through a wall as he stretched, for which he was yelled at by a nurse. Taking a shower had resulted in cracked tiles, three towels torn to shreds, a tap accidentally folded closed and another scolding.

Shizune's arrival to feed him breakfast (though still embarrassing and regrettably ramenless) came as a relief, as the orderly didn't seem so gung-ho about yelling at him with the Hokage's apprentice present.

And then there was the meeting with the rest of Team 7. Managing to dress (with a little help from Shizune) and make it to their meeting place with only minor breakages (mostly doors and wall panels), he had received rather less than a warm welcome…

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"Hey guys!"

"You're late, baka!" snapped Sakura, apparently displeased that her Sasuke-ogling had been disturbed.

"Um, I was in the hospital, Sakura-chan", he said slowly. "I got hurt, remember?"

'_Wow, what fellow-feeling for a teammate'_ he thought sarcastically.

"Can't have been too bad, Dobe, you're moving now. What's with the hair, anyway?"

Sasuke spoke, cocking an eyebrow at Naruto's new ponytail.

"**See? See? Long hair gets you noticed! What did I tell you?"**

"It's a side-effect of the jutsu, Teme. Jealous?"

"Hardly", muttered the Uchiha with a slight smirk. "It makes you look fruity".

"**What? That's it! Lemme at 'im! I'm gonna go all Fox Fire on his gloomy arse! **

**I'll-"**

Tuning out the enraged ranting of his tenant, Naruto was about to respond with a barb of his own when a puff of smoke heralded the arrival of Kakashi.

"Yo."

"You're late!"

'_Wow, deja vu'_ thought Naruto as Sakura's voice rose.

"Yeah, sorry, but I got caught up in a discussion on the nature of existence and lost track of time."

"Liar!"

As with the first yell, Sakura's voice again rose alone, prompting Kakashi's brow to furl in curiosity. Not that anyone but he could tell, of course.

"Ok…anyway, sparring now. Sakura with Sasuke and Naruto with me."

As good a time as any to bring it up, Naruto supposed.

"Ano, Sensei, I have training with Team 9 today, so I gotta go".

"Hold it, Naruto" snapped Kakashi as the blond turned to leave. "I understand that you might not want to spar with me, but please don't make up poor excuses".

"**Pot to kettle, meatbag…"**

Gritting his teeth, Naruto forced his tone to remain light. "It's not an excuse! Some effect of that jutsu made me a lot stronger, so now I have to train with Gai-Sensei to get my control back. Baachan gave me a letter, look!"

"Get serious Dobe, that's the worst excuse you've come up with yet."

Giving the letter (carried in a thick steel box to prevent inadvertent crushings) a cursory glance, Kakashi cut off Naruto's rejoinder lazily. "Well, this all looks authentic, but Naruto _is_ the one who forged a note for half of ANBU to receive compulsory head lice treatments."

Naruto chucked gently. _'Ah, good times. All those shiny ANBU scalps glinting in the sun…'_

"-So I'll spar one round with Naruto to determine the truth".

"What?!" Naruto made one final plea for sanity. "Seriously, Kakashi-Sensei, it's a bad idea. Can't I just crush a rock or something?"

Too late. Kakashi was already rushing at him, fist arching toward his face. Giving a startled yell, Naruto swing his fist out on instinct…

-THUDWHOOSHSMACK-

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"I told him. I told all of them. But did they listen? Nooooo…"

Kakashi had eventually prized from the tree trunk in which he had been embedded and taken to hospital to have his broken ribs, torn muscles, sprains and concussion treated. Upon learning the reasons for his injuries, Tsunade had him promptly admitted to her new 'Morons Ward'.

Sakura, upon seeing her sensei temporarily tree-bound, promptly smacked Naruto about the head, resulting in bruised knuckles for her and a new appreciation for the fox's changes for him. Unfortunately, Sakura seemed to view this as a challenge, prompting her to eschew fists in favour of a tree branch, the effects of which managed to make it through his new skull.

"**Explain to me why you like that pink-haired monkey, kit? Her calm, kind and forgiving nature, no doubt."**

'_Sometimes I wonder myself, fox' _he sighed wearily. Quite often lately, in fact. Sure, it was Sakura's energy that had caught his eye to begin with, but having that energy focused on him in the form of blows and criticism wasn't _quite_ what he'd been hoping for. A little like lightning, he thought. Beautiful and exciting from a distance, but something of a health hazard at too close a range.

"**Poetic. Nice to see you can use your brain for more than keeping your skull from caving in."**

'_Shut it, Fox. Usagi no Tsuki called, he wants his ears back.'_

Taking a vindictive pleasure from the angry spluttering of his tenant, Naruto arrived at the training ground.

'_Now, if I were a pair of eyebrows with a ninja attached, where would I-?'_

"WELCOME, NARUTO-KUN!"

His fists planted on his hips, Gai straitened from where he had appeared. Directly behind Naruto.

"Ah, Naruto-kun, it is good to see your youthful self! Come, let us tame your youthful energy though rigorous training! Err…"

Gai's manly spiel tapered off as he noticed that his Youthful Charge was no longer before him, having leaped into the foliage at his dramatic entry.

"Naruto-kun? Are you alright, my Youthful student?"

"Ah, I'm…fine, Gai-sensei", called Naruto from the branch he was hugging some twenty meters up. "I'll be down in a short while, but, ah, I'm going to stay here and…_twitch_…for a few minutes, if that's alright."

Gai beamed in relief. His Youthful pupil had not abandoned his training! Yosh!

"Quite alright, Naruto-kun! I shall go and fetch the rest of my Youthful Team, that your training may be combined with theirs into a great flame of Youthful Energy! I go!"

His final yell echoing through the trees (and causing a flock of birds to bolt from the canopy in panic), the enthusiastic jounin left at a gallop.

"**That guy scares me, kit."**

"Me too, fox. Me too."

Several minutes later saw Naruto out of the tree and facing Team Gai. A round of exuberant (Lee), reserved (Neji) and friendly (Tenten) greetings later, Gai got down to business.

"Yosh! The youthful Naruto-kun has, as the result of a most Unyouthful Kinjutsu used upon him, gained great powers of Physical Youth!"

'_Wow, he can actually speak in capitals'._

"**Scary."**

"Sadly", Gai continued, "Naruto-kun's Flames of Youth are burning uncontrolled. We shall skilfully train him to tame his Youthfulness to his will!"

"Yosh! Naruto-kun's Youth will shine forth brightly! I shall assist him! If I cannot, I will walk up Hokage Monument backwards!"

"Lee!"

"Gai-sensei!"

"Lee!"

Tenten, recognising the warning signs, grabbed Naruto's sleeve urgently. "Naruto! Look away if you value your sight!"

Turning just in time, the blond youth shuddered at the knife-edged shadows cast by the 'Sunset and Sea' genjutsu.

"**You should thank the bun-girl, gaki. Some things even I can't heal."**

Noting that the light had faded, Naruto cast Tenten a grateful smile and looked to the green-clad duo once more.

"So! The first thing we must do is ascertain the limits of your new strength and control. Naruto-kun! Please punch that training log as hard as you can!"

"Hai, Gai-sensei" replied the blond, a slight trepidation in his voice. Taking a deep breath to stifle his nerves, he drew back a fist and swung…

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"Gai-sensei, I have located the training log."

Gai tapped the mouthpiece of his headset. A most youthful device, he thought.

"Yes Neji-kun, where is it?"

There was an uncharacteristic amusement in the Hyuuga's tone as he responded. "It landed in the merchant district. No casualties, but it destroyed the latest shipment of the 'Icha-Icha' series. All pulverised."

Gai felt a moments inner conflict. It was against the ways of Youth to take pleasure in the misfortunes of another. On the other hand, the books his Eternal Rival so enjoyed were most Unyouthful. Compromising, Gai allowed himself a brief, satisfied chuckle.

Oblivious to his sensei's inner struggle, Neji continued his report. "I've explained it as a training mishap and instructed the merchant to request compensation from the Hokage's office. I'm returning now."

"Very good, Neji-kun. Over and out." Turning to an amused Tenten and rather embarrassed Naruto, the Great Green Beast smiled encouragingly.

"Do not be ashamed, Naruto-kun! We shall learn from this and go to a more distant training ground for future training! Now, let us move on to-"

"Ano, sensei?" interjected Tenten, rising to her feet. "Could we see how Naruto can handle missile-weapons?"

"Why, Tenten-chan? Wouldn't stronger just be stronger?" asked Naruto in a curious tone.

"No! Not at all!" Tenten was suddenly in his face and speaking rapidly. "Stronger fast-twitch muscles allow a greater throwing strength which in turn allows a higher velocity and flatter trajectory from the weapon leading to higher damage-potential and a longer range! It's not the same at all!"

A bead of nervous sweat rolled down the blonde's face in the silence that followed.

"OoooKaaay, I think I'll see how a kunai works out."

"**She was ****twinkling**** gaki. During that weapons rant she was **_**twinkling**_**! Hold me…"**

'_There there fox. You're safe now. I'll throw the kunai and the nice weapon girl will calm down.'_

"…**Promise?"**

Taking aim (and making sure that the target was one of the thicker logs available), the blond powerhouse drew back his arm and whipped the kunai down.

-WHIPTHUNKTHUNKTHUNKTHUNKCRACK-

'…_Ok. The kunai went through the post-'_

"**And the tree behind it-"**

'_And the two trees behind that-'_

"**And embedded itself up to the ring in a granite boulder."**

"Aah!"

Naruto sighed. _'And in the process cut a good ten centimetres off of Neji's hair as he was coming back from finding the first log. Great, I'm gonna be paying for that one later, I just know it.'_

"You-! Kunai-! Hair-!"

"Ok Neji, just calm-"

"Aah!"

As the rest of Team Gai worked to calm a certain shell-shocked Hyuuga (with a distinct lack of success, if the continued horrified squawks were any indication), Gai strode over to Naruto.

"Upon observing your youthful demonstrations, I think in the future we shall avoid any further striking or throwing. No", he said as he cast a measuring look at the boy, "I have an excellent course of training for you. Yosh! Let us begin!"

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In the end, Neji was fed a 'Youthful Calming Tablet' when his nervous twitching showed no signs of fading, resulting in the unusual sight of a mellow, cheerful Hyuuga.

'_I hope it wears off soon', _thought the blond as he caught another of the steel spheres flicked at him by Gai. _'That toothy grin looks really creepy on him'_.

"Concentrate, Naruto-kun!"

-GRENCH-

Naruto sighed as he dropped the distorted lump of steel to rest with the others around his feet.

"Maintain your youthful concentration, Naruto-kun! Your mind must rule your muscles!"

"Hai, sensei!" he replied, another ball smacking into his hand.

He had to admit, under all the eccentricities Maito Gai was good at what he did. After sending Neji into chemical calmness, the green-clad jounin had started Naruto off on control training. Naruto's task was to catch the hollow steel spheres thrown at him without either dropping or crushing them. To add a further element of difficulty to the task, he was then to throw the spheres at the one remaining training log, without either punching them into or through it. Gai had explained (upon noting Naruto's look of bafflement) that this would teach him to control both his gripping and arm strength, these being the most immediately important for social interaction.

That made sense.

The trouble was that he didn't seem to be improving. Sure, it was a bit absurd to expect leaps and bounds in the first day of training, but surely there should have been _some_ improvement! But no. The ground around him was littered with squashed steel lumps and the training log looked as though it had faced an assault by giant termites.

Fortunately, Naruto was spared further frustration by the arrival of Shizune bearing an amused expression and a bento.

"Well, I can see you've been busy, Naruto-kun. Kakashi will probably be out of traction in a week or two, if you were wondering. Now", she gestured him closer as she unwrapped the bento, "It's time for lunch."

"An excellent idea, Shizune-san! Come, my cute students, let us revive our Flames of Youth with healthy nutrition!"

Naruto, grumbling slightly about "looking forward to being able to feed myself again", seated himself next to Shizune and looked disappointedly at the sushi, rice and omelette the lunchbox held.

"No," said Shizune firmly as he went to speak, "it's not ramen. Yes, I know you'd prefer ramen, no, you may not have any and because you need to eat better to be healthy, that's why. What?" the dark-haired medic-nin asked defensively to the astonished stares.

Gai nervously coughed into his hand. "Oh, ah, nothing, Shizune-san, nothing."

A moment of silence overtook the group, broken only by Neji's occasional whimper over how damn _good_ his rice and pickles were.

For all his (intended) protests about the lack of rameny goodness, Naruto found that he was enjoying this lunch. The food was quite good and the weather was nice and all, but, he thought, it was the company that really made the scene. Eating with Team Seven was usually tense, dull, exhausting or a mixture of all three, depending on the circumstances. And that was when Team Seven ate together. The more common routine was for Kakashi to disappear (most likely to read his orange book), Sasuke to stalk off to brood, or eat, or brood and eat, Sakura to follow him and Naruto to eventually wander to Ichiraku's. Not, on the whole, overly enjoyable.

In many ways, Team Gai couldn't be more different. Not only did they eat together almost every day (Gai claimed it to be Youthful, apparently), but they _talked_!

Granted, Neji's loquaciousness may have been an after-effect of the Calming Tablet, and Tenten's topic of choice involved the words "sharp", "edge" and "stabbing" with disturbing frequency, and with Gai and Lee it was more a matter of reminding them to stop talking, but still…!

Lost in his musings, Naruto missed the curious look appearing on Tenten's face until she spoke, waving a kunai for attention.

"Hey Naruto, why is Shizune-san feeding you?"

About to answer, Naruto was pre-empted by Lee, who, having put two and two together, got five.

"Yosh! Naruto-kun! Your Flames of Youth have lead you to romance with the beautiful Shizune-san! Well done, my rival! I must now double my efforts to get Sakura-chan to notice me!"

The 'couple' in question stiffened, stared at each other, blushed and leaped to their feet with simultaneous shouts of "It's not like that!"

"Naruto-kun is strong enough that he tends to crush bowls and break utensils, so it's my job to help him eat until his control develops more." Shizune continued, calming down a little.

"Oh…" Tenten looked startled for a moment, then thoughtful. _'Huh. I never thought about it like that. I guess you _can_ be too strong.'_

Again a silence overtook the group, each member lost in their own thoughts (apart from Neji, who was lost in a pleasant daydream of Kitten World). Plans were made, decisions reached and (in one case) mental schematics drawn up.

Inevitably, though, the meal ended and the silence broke as Gai, having stowed his lunch supplies…_somewhere_…leaped to his feet.

"Yosh! Our Youthful flames have been stoked, our bodies rested and now we may train again! Rise, my youthful students!"

Re-wrapping the bento and patting back into place hair blown loose during Gai's 'youthful' yelling, Shizune stood and looked at Naruto with a smile. "Well, I'll be going now. Oh yes, Tsunade-sama wants to see you and Gai-san for a progress report after you finish up here, so don't be late, ne?"

"Ok Shizune-neechan/Yosh!"

As Shizune walked off (stared after by a slightly flushed Neji), the Great Green Beast faced Naruto, exuberant manner abruptly gone.

"Now, Naruto-kun, we will begin taijutsu training. For one to truly master a taijutsu style, one must learn and develop muscle memory and control. The more subtle the style, the less dependant it is on brute force, the more control and precision is required to utilise it. It is this requirement that makes such styles ideal for our purposes. Do you understand?"

Naruto nodded slowly, slightly apprehensive at the changed demeanour of his sensei. "Like, hitting a big target hard is pretty easy, but it's harder to hit a _small_ target with the same force? You'd normally have to slow the strike down to make it easier to hit?"

Gai smiled approvingly. "Essentially, yes. The essential difference between soft styles, such as the Hyuuga's Juken, and hard styles, my Goken being a prime example, is in the degree of precision required. The targets for kicks, punches and the like are by necessity broad, while the tenketsu targeted in juken are very small, demanding greater precision to hit but not reliant on physical strength and thus more suited to those of a less muscular build. By teaching you a soft style, Naruto-kun, we will be training you to apply strength worthy of the Goken with the precision of the Juken".

Gai grinned at the wide-eyed expression on the face of his newest student. _'It seems he's realised the implications of that. I like this lad.'_

"Now", he continued, "of all the styles I know, there are only a few suited to your needs. If you will create perhaps a dozen shadow clones I will demonstrate and explain those styles I have mastered and we will move from there. Now, let us begin!"

Although freaky and unexpected, Naruto was forced to admit that Serious Gai knew his stuff. Explaining the moves and styles used while in pitched battle with his clones (who, as they had discovered when a deflected kick left a clone embedded knee-deep in a tree, shared every jot of Naruto's new strength), Gai had eventually concluded that the 'Silent River' style best suited the blond. After dispelling the final clone in a move that resembled nothing so much as skipping a stone, he had explained that 'Silent River' mimicked the motions and attitude of flowing water, spiralling around obstacles, entrapping and slowing enemy motion and ultimately 'drowning' the opponent's ability to fight.

Hearing Gai-sensei's explanation, Naruto concluded that 'Silent River' sounded pretty cool. A soft style would have to be less tiring than the hard ones, too.

Right?

_That_ thought lasted right until the moment training started. Gai had (somehow) rigged up a series of rope-suspended logs from the branches above and set them to swinging at Naruto as he walked below them. The goal, apparently, was to circle around the logs like a leaf in a stream and tap them as they went past, applying just enough force to give them another swing, but not so much that they orbited their branch until they ran out of rope, as had happened to the first log.

And the second.

The third log avoided this fate via the unfortunate occurrence of Naruto failing to avoid _it_, resulting in him being launched head over heels into Tenten, who had been conducting target practice just a little too close.

It had, he thought later on, been an interesting experience. Though clearly embarrassed and a little angry (she'd gone red in the face. That meant she was angry, right?), Tenten had not pounded him into the ground, had not called him lots of nasty names and had not, in fact, gotten mad at him at all. Sure, she'd shoved him off good and quick (he'd been afraid to push off himself for fear of hurting her), but she'd accepted his apology, helped him up, and calmly gone back to her training.

'_Huh'_ he thought as he moved through a basic kata Gai has assigned him to practice, _'Maybe it's just Sakura and Ino who react like that. Oh, and Baachan, but she's used to Ero-sennin, after all'._

"**That reminds me. I've got, ahem, a favour to ask".**

Instantly wary, Naruto responded. _'What is it?'_

"**I want you to get me a copy of mumblemumble".**

'_A copy of what?'_

"**Mumblemumble".**

'_Speak up, you overgrown rug!'_

"**A COPY OF 'ICHA ICHA', DAMMIT!"**

Naruto froze in mid-kata.

'_The demon sealed within me is a pervert. It is now official. I am in hell.'_

"**Come on kit, just the first volume. Please? I'm **_**bored**_**!"**

'_Peh! Ero-kitsune!'_ Naruto mentally snorted as he started the kata once again.

"**I'll make it worth your while."** The growling, demonic voice made a valiant effort to sound wheedling.

'_How?'_ Naruto cursed as he stumbled in the drifting footwork demanded of the kata and reset his stance.

"**The Ramenworld dream, every night for a week?"**

'_No deal'_ replied Naruto as he clumsily attempted a spiralling palm sweep. _'I get that dream anyway.'_

"**The use of a tail of my chakra on demand?"**

Naruto swung backwards in an evasive move (nearly falling over) and considered for a moment before responding. _'Tempting, but no deal. Just one more thing to learn to control'._

"**Ok, ok. How about I teach you an art of reading people, strategy, wit and intuition?"**

Naruto paused again. He was fairly sure the old fleabag was trying to pull a fast one, but that honestly sounded like a pretty useful skill to learn.

'_Ok, assuming I even agree to this, where's this training going to happen? And how would I get the book to you in the first place?'_

"**In your mindscape while you're sleeping, kit. As for the book, make a shadow clone while you're holding it, then dispel the clone while concentrating on it coming here and voiola!"**

'_Hmm…Ok, deal. But this better be a really, __really__ cool and useful skill! And if I hear so much as __one__ perverted giggle out of you I'm coming in there with a hedge-trimmer and shaving you bald, understand?'_

"**Yeah yeah. Get started on that kata again gaki, the green one's coming back."**

Observing the young blonde's form as he struggled with the drifting motions the style required, Gai found himself impressed. Young Naruto-kun showed an admirable work ethic, facing the tasks assigned him with a determination rare in one so young, trusting in his sensei that they would be to his benefit.

Noting that Naruto had finished the kata (in a circling step that nearly dropped him on his backside), the green-clad jounin clapped his hands for attention.

"Yosh! Naruto-kun, you have impressed me with your Youthful drive! Practice that kata five times before you retire at night and a further five upon rising in the morning and I am confident you will have it mastered within a week!"

"Naruto-kun, your Flames of Youth are an inspiration to me!" shouted Lee from where he had materialised next to Gai. "I am proud to have you as an Eternal Rival! Naruto-kun!"

"Lee-…"

"Naruto-kun!"

"Lee-!"

"Naruto-kun!"

"LEE!"

"…yes?"

Naruto gestured to Gai, who was glowering at his mini-me with an ominous twitch in one eyebrow. "I think Gai-sensei was still talking."

"…Oh. Sorry."

With a final warning glance at Lee, Gai continued, facing the two final members of the team. "Training Naruto-kun has been classified an ongoing A-Rank mission for us, so we shall meet here at 0630 hours until Naruto-kun has properly tamed his Flames of Youth. Now, Team 9, dismissed! Neji, ensure that you get lots of sleep tonight".

"…kittens…"

"Tenten, we will be needing at least a hundred more training spheres. I hope that will not be a problem."

The bun-haired girl shook her head with a smile. "No, no problem Gai-sensei. Dad said it makes a nice change from making kunai all the time."

"Your dad makes kunai?" asked Naruto, impressed.

"Yeah!" replied Tenten with a broad grin. "He's a weaponsmith, one of the best in the village. 'Higurashi Arms and Armour'. Drop by sometime, I'll give you a tour. Special 'Teammate of Tenten' discount too, if you're good."

"I-I'll definitely come by. Thanks, Tenten-chan!"

With a parting smile, Tenten swiftly collected the lumps of discarded steel into a sack and wandered off, leaving Naruto to his thoughts. _'Well, that makes some sense. All those pointy things would have cost a fortune if she'd had to buy them at the regular outfitters'. _

His musings were interrupted by Gai's hand on his shoulder. Nodding at the unspoken message, the orange youth set off beside his sensei to their audience with the Hokage.

As Lee's shouting (something about 'showing his Flames of Youth to the Lovely Sakura-chan'. Now that just sounded _weird_) faded into the distance, Naruto again fell into introspection.

'_Well, they're different and a bit odd, but I like this team.'_

He smiled. _'I think I'm gonna enjoy this training.'_

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**Author Comments**

Ok, here's the new chapter. At the moment i'm working on this and my other story, as well as fighting off the dire Writer's Block, so updates may well be a little erratic. Sorry. Not really a lot to say in Comments other than that, to be honest, so let's move on to what you've all been waiting for,

**Reviews**:

Coralen: Thank you. and fear not, the thought of Naruto with a beard scares me as much as you. a goatee, on the other hand...

enderverse: glad you liked it. That scene was something of a homage to the "I speak Jive" scene from 'Flying High', one of my better-liked comedies.

gaul1: At this point Naruto is getting a little gunshy of physical contact, so no hug-crushings. as for falling through floors, my reasoning was that while he is significantly heavier than before, it's not by that much. though water walking and tree climbing will be trickier. hmm. plot potential there, methinks...

Passionate-Eyes: What? surely you have heard of the Speech of Youthfulness! Yosh! if i cannot educate my readers in this Youthful and Dynamic language i shall write thirty original fanfics with my toes! (Subtitle: Yes, it's a real language. at least to Gai).

Kuro no Kitsune: thanks. i was pretty satisfied with that little piece of oddness.

kd8gun: Hahaha! I see the ways of Youth are reaching out! Yosh! Gai-sensei's manner of talking is addictive, ain't it? As for the pairings, i haven't really decided yet, though i'm tentatively working with either, as you say, Shizune or Tenten. i like the others well enough, but they don't really fit my mental concept. and worry ye not, i'm planning any courting to go at a realistic pace. Love at first Sight aside, it would strain the narrative to do otherwise. I might have Naruto do a Keitaru (Love Hina reference), but that will come later, if at all. thanks for the suggestions!

Zaion Indulias: Hey, thanks a lot! that's high praise indeed! as for the new chapter, wait no longer. i hope you like it.

Firehedgehog: Thanks. and there was just a little Kakashi-bashin, but it was literal, ne?

Well, that's it for now. Thanks to everyong who reviewed, it makes my day.

Next on Oops!: Naruto trains! and says things! and breaks some stuff! Excitement!

Stay tuned.

Smylingsnake out.


	4. Chapter 4

Nope, still don't own Naruto.

'_Thinking'_

"**Kyuubi speaking"**

-Sound Effect-

Story now!

Most people, looking at Team Gai, would be quick to categorise them, and equally fast to assume that their assessment was complete and accurate. Gai: Konoha's Insane Azure Beast, a green-loving, Youth-obsessed taijutsu-enthusiast. Lee: Gai's clone (or protégée if they were feeling charitable), a sign to some that craziness was communicable. Neji, the textbook Hyuuga: stoic, quite, elitist.

And Tenten.

"Tenten? Oh, the weapons-girl on Gai's team". The tomboy with the armoury of things that go "stab".

There was something about being a shinobi, Tenten thought, that led one to be typecast by others. Once you joined a team it wasn't long before some ability, habit, preference or quirk was noted, and then good luck escaping the nickname!

And on the surface, these assessments were accurate enough, if pretty shallow. But in a village that exhorted its citizens to "look underneath the underneath", they ignored so much as to be virtually useless.

Gai-sensei, for example (and unbeknownst to most of Konoha), could play Go with an expertise rivalling the Nara, and would commit moderate acts of mayhem in exchange for a well-cooked berry tart.

Lee, while certainly as 'Youthful' as his sensei, had an absolute _passion_ for horror movies of all things, that on the one (and only one!) time Tenten had accompanied him had sent her shrieking in the first ten minutes.

It had been three weeks before she could sleep with the lights off again.

Neji, while typically a poster child for the Stoics and president of Emotions Anonymous, went absolutely _gooey_ when presented with any kind of baby animal, kittens (as they had discovered with the help of the Calming Tablet) in particular. Tenten had seen his room once after helping him back after an injury. The sight of shelf upon shelf of stuffed animals next to a kunai rack would, she was certain, remain with her for life.

And then there was Tenten herself. Tomboyish. Tough. Weapon specialist. And that was generally all most people cared to learn about her. Had they investigated a little further (as indeed her team-mates had), they might learn of her idolising of Tsunade-sama, the Slug Sannin. Or the fact that, while she rather liked snakes, and had only a little fear of spiders, the sight of a snail would leave her quivering with horror/disgust.

But the one thing that no-one knew, not her parents, not her teacher, not her team-mates, was that Higurashi Tenten was a romantic.

Not in the soppy, "Oh brooding, gloomy yet still noble prince, please rescue me and sweep me off on your white horse" way, of course. She might be a romantic, but she was still a kunoichi, after all!

No, Tenten was one who admired the underdog, the one who tried hard and never gave up. The ones who had experienced pain, loss, hardship and yet were still standing strong.

Which was the reason Tenten was currently in her father's forge, labouring with hammer, lathe, furnace, file and quench. _'I bet Naruto'll just _love_ these!' _she thought as she lowered the hollow cylinder into the brine, clouds of steam flashing up as it cooled.

It would be safe to say that Naruto had impressed the bun-haired girl. Sure, she'd been awed when the orange superball had beaten Neji in the final chunin exam, but she was a staunch follower of the 'don't judge 'em 'till you know 'em' school of thought. Basing a character assessment off a single fight was just stupid.

Yesterday's training had, in fact, been the first time she'd really talked with the blond youth and she was favourably impressed. No doubt most would expect her to be making "squee!" noises at the thought of his throwing the kunai through the trees and, yes, she _was_ a little giddy at the thought, but it wasn't like she was addicted to weapons or anything. Weapons, with their lovely shape and satisfying heft and pretty play of light on their well-honed edges and…

Ahem.

No, what had impressed her had been brought home at lunch. The boy had needed help just to _eat_! Fingers that could crush a kunai and yet couldn't handle hashi. It would have been all too east, she thought, for Naruto to have fallen into a brooding sulk over the changes. Hell, she wasn't sure she'd have really blamed him if he had, either. Imagine not being able to touch for fear of destroying the object in question!

But somehow, the blond dynamo was still there, still cheerful and facing Gai-sensei's training head on. It was that aspect of his character that Tenten admired. Anyone who could face a challenge like that and stay smiling was strong. And Tenten liked that.

Still, Naruto could probably use some encouragement. Which was just what one Higurashi Tenten intended to deliver.

Waking from her reverie and glancing at the clock, the bun-haired blacksmith quickly wrapped her creations in a cloth and trotted out the door and off to her team meeting.

'_Yeah, Naruto's going to love them!'_

* * *

-SmackswishTHWACK!-

-SmackswishTHWACK!-

-SmackGRNCH!-

"Dammit!"

"Concentrate, Naruto-kun!"

-SmackswishCRUNCH!-

"Graaah!"

"Cheer up Naruto, at least it didn't punch right through this time".

"Thanks Tenten-chan". Despite his frustration at yet another sphere embedded in the (new) training log, Naruto smiled. He was improving! Where before the log had been essentially pureed and the crushed spheres had formed drifts around his feet, today his control had improved enough that the log was, if perforated, at least still standing. The training balls at his feet only numbered in the dozens, as well!

"Good work, my Youthful student!" boomed Gai with a proud look. "Your Youthful control is improving already. Now, perform the first kata of Silent River as smoothly as you can and we shall stop for our noonday meal."

The sunny blond grinned broadly as he began the swirling motions of 'The Dance of the Windswept Pool'. Today was good! He was improving, albeit slowly, no-one was criticising or yelling at him (Gai-sensei didn't count. That was _shouting_, not yelling. Very different thing) and best of all, Shizune-neechan had, after some pleading and the use of 'Puppy-Eyes no Jutsu', agreed to bring Ramen for lunch!

'_Water. Move like water'_ he thought, stepping through the quiet, spiralling motions of the kata.

Thinking of Shizune brought his mind back to the meeting last night. Truth be told, Gai-sensei's report had both shocked and pleased him. Up until then, only Iruka-sensei had been quite that openly positive about his progress and training. The academy teachers had done their level best to keep him ignorant and demoralised, Kakashi-sensei hardly ever trained his team at all, and Ero-sennin would occasionally mutter something on the theme of "not bad, gaki" while giving the impression that it was actually painful.

Gai-sensei's assertion that he would regain moderate control inside of two months at his present rate of progress, therefore, came as an exceedingly welcome but unexpected surprise. Only his now instinctive fear of the 'Sunset and Sea' genjutsu kept him from emulating Lee and leaping at his teacher with a yell of "Gai-sensei!"

Well, that and the warning glance cast at him by Baa-chan, a glance promising Bad Things should he not reconsider.

And the fact that performing a Rock Lee Flying Hug with his present control would most likely result in the messy bisection of Konoha's Great Green Beast. That too.

Still, Naruto could tell from their expressions that they knew how he felt.

Backstep, evasion, palm strike. The kata was a bit smoother today. A good sign.

"**Hehehe. Oh Yuko, you naughty girl!"**

Naruto's eyebrow twitched as he struggled to maintain the smooth motions required.

'_What did I say about the giggling, Ero-fox?'_

"**Empty threats, Gaki. You really want to risk coming inside the seal with me, the Kyuubi no Kitsune?"**

Spiral step, knee strike.

'_I don't need to, fox. I can bring you down with six simple words'._

"**Hah! You think you can scare me?" **chortled Naruto's nine-tailed tenant. **"I'd like to see that!"**

The blond smirked. _'Remember fox, you asked for it'._

"Hey Tenten-chan, what's your favourite weapon?"

Somehow, Naruto could tell the Kyuubi had gone chalk-white. **"No, no, I take it back! Please, not the Twinkling! Not the Twinkling!"**

'_Too late for that, fuzzy!'_ Naruto chuckled inwardly as he stepped through the final motions of the kata, Tenten's excited spiel music to his ears. _'Break the rules, pay the price.'_

"**This is cruel and unusual punishment and you know it!"**

It was interesting, he thought as Tenten continued chattering through the lunch preparations, that she could talk about weapons for so long and yet not have it get boring. Where Naruto's thoughts on weaponry to date could be essentially summed up as "kunai, shuriken, exploding tags, all good", Tenten's impassioned dialogue on the merits of kusari-gama, tonfa, khatar, chakram and any number of others he'd never even heard of was opening his eyes.

"-but on the whole, I think I like swords the best, because of the versatility."

"**Oh thank you, Inari-sama. Thank you".**

'_Suck it up, fox. You brought this on yourself'._

"Ano. Naruto-kun?" said Tenten, uncharacteristic hesitation in her voice.

"**No, please, no more…"**

"Yeah, Tenten-chan?"

Ignoring the questioning looks from her team-mates as they unpacked their lunches, the bun-haired kunoichi drew a wrapped bundle from somewhere and handed it to him with a nervous smile.

"Shizune-san said you had trouble eating because bowls and stuff are too fragile, right? Well, I thought about it and made these for you and I hope you like them".

Handing the bundle to the blond, Tenten busied herself with her bento and made a valiant effort to hide her blush.

'_Dammit, what the hell was that?' _she silently berated herself. _'It's just a gift to help him eat, so why the _hell_ am I acting like I'm giving him chocolates on Valentine's, for Kami's sake? Gaah!'_

Ignorant of his friend's inner rant, Naruto excitedly unwrapped the bundle. His eyes widened.

"Tenten-chan…This..."

'_He doesn't like it?'_

"This is…"

'_He doesn't like it. Good going, Tenten, nice-'_

"…AWESOME!"

"Huh?"

As Tenten whipped her head up, she was nearly blinded by the happiness in Naruto's smile as he hugged the metal bowl, cup and hashi set to his chest.

'Y-you like them?"

This time it was Naruto who looked incredulous. "Like them? Are you kidding? This is the greatest gift I've ever gotten! You're the best, Ten-chan!"

"Yosh! Tenten-chan, your skill at gift-giving proves your Flames of Youth to be blazing forth! Well done, my Youthful student!" If Naruto's smile had been bright, the glare from Gai's teeth as he assumed the Nice Guy Pose was like a solar prominence.

"Yes!" yelled Lee in support. "I must strive to be as considerate and generous as Tenten-chan! If I cannot, I will write a thousand original greeting card messages with my feet!"

"Lee!"

"Gai-sensei!"

"Lee!"

"Gai-sensei!"

"**Duck and cover, Gaki!"**

It was a testament to how much the blond liked the gift that he continued rhapsodizing even as he averted his gave from the "Youthful" scene. The bowl, cup and hashi were a brushed silver-grey in appearance and (he discovered with a very tentative test-squeeze) possessed of considerable tensile strength. Upon closer inspection, they even had the Uzumaki spiral engraved on the bottom. How cool was that?

And so it was that Shizune arrived at the training ground to see an ecstatic Naruto, a blushing Tenten and Neji, Lee and Gai hiding smirks.

"Would someone like to fill me in on recent events? I get the feeling something interesting has happened".

"Oh! Ten-chan made me this awesome bowl and cup and hashi set, Shizune-neechan! Now I don't have to worry about breaking bowls or biting through chopsticks anymore, so I can feed myself! Isn't that awesome? Ten-chan's the best!"

Smiling through a sudden and inexplicable stab of jealousy, Shizune sat down and produced the promised two bowls of ramen.

"Yes, that's wonderful Naruto-kun. We should probably still have me feed you today, though. There could be some hidden weaknesses in the metal, and you wouldn't want the ramen to go to waste, would you?"

"'Hidden weaknesses'?" growled Tenten, not noticing the male members of her team edging away as the implied criticism of her work broke her from her blushes. "There are no 'weaknesses' in my work, thank you! Those are high-tensile ferric-titanium alloy! They can take Naruto-kun's strength easily! Tell her, Naruto!"

"Um-"

"Yes, tell us, Naruto-kun."

Naruto, his expression not unlike that of a rabbit facing an oncoming katon jutsu, thought faster than he ever had before.

"**Hurry up, gaki, this looks bad!"**

"Um, how about Shizune-neechan feeds me the first bowl, just in case, and I use Ten-chan's gift for the second to see how I do? I still have a lot of control to work on, after all".

A pair of slightly grudging agreements led to the welcome but slightly nerve-wracking experience of being fed ramen with a hostile audience. Soon (though not as quickly as the blond would have liked) the first bowl was empty and the moment of truth had arrived.

Never in the history of Konoha had a bowl of soon-to-be-eaten ramen generated such rapt attention.

The hashi descended into the broth, Naruto's face a study in concentration, and rose bearing a swirl of noodles…before an involuntary twitch of the fingers sheared them apart.

"Dammit! Ok, try again…"

Again the hashi fell and again they rose bearing their precious cargo. Higher. Higher…

The watchers released a breath they hadn't known they'd been holding as the noodles reached their destination.

The tension resumed, however, as Naruto went for the second bite.

'_Huh, this tastes even better than usual' _he thought. _'Wonder if Teuchi-ojisan's trying a new dashi recipe or something.'_

"**Or maybe you're finally eating slow enough to actually ****taste**** it, brat".**

About to snap back a rejoinder at the vulpine annoyance, he paused in thought. _'Hey, that actually makes sense'._

"**Of course it does! When have I ever steered you wrong?" **snapped the Kyuubi in an offended tone.

'"_**Oops!**__"' _

"…**Shut up."**

Noting from the musical "tink!" of metal hashi on the bottom of the bowl that he had continued eating right through his inner dialogue, he neatly placed the sticks aside and took the bowl in two hands. Right, time for the final test. His audience once more held their breath as he raised it to his mouth, the remaining broth to consume.

The watchers held their breath once more. This was it. This was the moment of make or break. Would the bowl bend? Crack? _Break?_ Would there be tooth marks on the rim? Or would Tenten's workmanship win the day?

Largely oblivious, Naruto marvelled at what was rapidly becoming his Favourite Possession Ever. Apart from a faint groan when he picked it up, the bowl showed no signs of strain at all. Swallowing the last of the pungent broth, Hi no Kuni's premiere ramen lover and slightly unwilling powerhouse lowered the bowl with a satisfied sigh.

"Oh man, I needed that! It tasted so _good_ too. Uh…" his joyful chatter trailed off as he noticed the recumbent figures, his audience having collapsed from the release of tension.

"Ano…are you guys ok?"

"We're fine" reassured Tenten as she dragged herself upright once again. "Just a little tired. So," she continued hopefully, "How'd the bowl work for you?"

Naruto's smile broadened. "Oh, it's awesome Ten-chan! It creaked a little at first, but that just means I can work on my control while I eat. Seriously, this is the best gift EVER!"

"What a Youthful training concept, Naruto-kun! Controlling hand and finger strength through eating delicate foods in fragile vessels! Such Youthful insight!" The flames in Gai's eyes were on the verge of igniting nearby foliage in his excitement.

"Yosh!" the eccentric Jounin roared as he leaped to his feet. "I shall begin the Uzumaki Food Training immediately! I shall eat fifty cubes of silken tofu from an unfired clay bowl in five minutes without breaking a single one!"

"And if you cannot, I will eat ten serves of steamed soba from rice-paper cups, Gai-sensei!"

"Yes! Our Youthfulness will grow as our bodies are nourished, all thanks to you, Naruto-kun!"

Absent-mindedly averting his gaze from the green-clad duo's Manly Man-Hug, Naruto picked up from where he had left off, to Neji's amusement, Tenten's slight embarrassment and Shizune's silent discontent.

"Really, Ten-chan, this is great". He sniffled suddenly, tears glistening. "With this gift, you have given back Ramen to me". Another sniffle. "I'll never be able to repay you for this kindness, Tenten-chan, but I swear to you I'll try."

"**Hell's bells, gaki, it's just ramen".** The Kyuubi gulped as it felt the mindscape get abruptly colder at its words.

'_Never. EVER. Say those words again. You get me, fox?'_

"**Or what, brat?"**

'_Two words: 'Gelding knife'"._

"…**I'll be good".**

Naruto smirked. Intimidating the king of the Bijuu? Lotta cool points there, no ifs or buts about it.

A few minutes later saw Gai and Lee finished with the hug and the genin stowing their lunch supplies as Shizune (followed by Neji's wistful stare) returned to the tower. Struggling through the gauntlet of swinging logs, Naruto contemplated current events and smiled faintly. Tenten didn't know it yet, probably wouldn't know it for quite some time, in fact, but her 'simple gift' had won her a devoted and eternal friend.

Dodging a log, he chuckled. His list of Precious People had just gotten larger.

* * *

**Author's Notes**

Hells BELLS this was a pain to write! I had a clear idea what to put in this chapter, i had all the time in the world to write it, but for some reason it just refused to flow. My deepest apologies to my readers for the long delay.  
Now that a little continuity has been established, i'm going to move more into having the chapters as individual one-shot mini-stories, rather than one long continuum, so i expect the rate of production to go up. Fear not!

In other housekeeping issues, some have asked which time period Oops! is taking place in. While it takes place after the Chunin Exam and Invasion arc, and a fair while after the retrieval of Tsunade, i hadn't intended to have it any more specific than that. I hadn't really intended to stick with the canon timeline or plot overmuch, to be honest. I'll only be bringing in or referencing canon events if there's some comedic content to be had or if the plot really requires it. The chapters will only be loosely connected, there is no ultimate goal of the plotline (such as it is), and whether something would be funny will be the primary criterion for its inclusion. Best advice: don't take the tale too seriously, don't worry too much about strict adherance to canon (I certainly don't!) and just enjoy the humour.

Now**, Reviews**:

Kuro no Kitsune: Thanks. i'm not really a fan of Kakashi, but he is fun to mess with. And as it says above, this is after the Chunin exams.

Zaion Indulias: Cripes mate, you're gonna make me blush! Seriously, thanks. it's very gratifying to get that positive a response to my writing. Cheers!

Aurora Ivy Fang: Thanks! I'm honestly not sure where the kittens thing came from. I suppose i just found the notion of Neji being a secret cat-lover amusing. of course, i couldn't just leave that aspect of his character unexplored, could i?

KunochiDreamer: Thank you.

helovestowrite: Yosh! your Youthful Praises have raised my Flames of Youth to blazing heights! I must write a set of drabbles based on my Youthful Story to maintain them!  
Seriously, YouthSpeak can be pretty addictive, can't it? Cheers!

Firehedgehog: Thanks.

Bloodreaver Alpha: All very good points indeed. I'm still sorting pairings in my head, but even if i do decide, you needn't worry about them going from "Who are you?" to "Your tonsils need a cleaning" in one scene. at the moment, it's still pretty closely tied between Shizune and Tenten, though Tenten seems to have pulled ahead a little, ne?

greenmean: Thanks.

aboulhosncc: Understood. As i've said above, i really hadn't intended this to stick to canon overmuch, intending it to be more in the vein of stories like Boom! or The Great Romantic. Orochimaru's out of the picture for the moment, Sasuke's still a wanker but has the Curse Seal sealed and so on. Naruto might run into Akatsuki at some point, but only if i can think of a funny way to do it. Oh yeah, and it's pre time-skip, fwiw. Thanks for the review!

I am the Bane of my Sword: I actually checked it out after reading your comment and was a little amazed at how many other stiroes there are with the same title. what can i say? it's a popular choice, i guess.

Akira Stridder: Thanks!

Zed42: Dammit! I knew the quote was from one of those two films and just my juck, i attribute it to the wrong one! thanks for the heads up.

Youko Rayah: Thanks. i'm quite pleased with how that scene's been recieved. As for completion, at the moment i'm gonna keep adding chapters as long as i can think of something funny to add, so it may be a while yet. there's just so much comedic potential in Naruto, isn't there?

kd8gun: Will do!

hellhound-d.o.w.: Many thanks!

KitsuneOverlord: I will endeavour to keep matters funny and nor overly crack-filled, aye. Thanks for the comments!

Dracaro: Glad you like it. At this point i'm tentatively aiming for either Naruto/Tenten or Naruto/Shizune. i haven't really given a lot of thought to dealing with Hinata, to be honest. hmm...potential, potential.

Trib: Thanks. don't worry. there will be more chapters of this story forthcoming, as often as i can get my muse onside.

EDelta88: An interesting idea, that, but ouch! a partial Dead Bone Pulse would sting! thanks for the notion.

Claws2: Ah come on, YouthSpeak isn't THAT traumatic.

Savage Thunder: Yeah? damn, and here i thought i was original. Thanks for the comments.

Well, that's that. stay tuned for the next chapter, as Naruto and Team Seven have their first mission after the...Upgrade. he he he...


	5. Chapter 5: Read any good books lately?

Nope, still don't own Naruto.

'_Thinking'_

"**Kyuubi speaking"**

-Sound Effect-

'_**Jutsu'**_

Story now!

* * *

Tsunade growled as she rubbed her temples and longed for sake.

"Alright. This," she said finally, gesturing to a file lying on her desk, "is not so much a report as it is an outline, and barely even that. This being the case, you will now tell me, in detail that will astound you and leaving nothing out, exactly what happened on your last mission."

Team Seven glared at itself. More accurately, Sasuke and Sakura glared at Naruto who glared defiantly back while throwing an occasional dirty look at Kakashi.

Sensing that the collective "Killing you with my Glare of Anger" contest stood to last a while should nothing be done, the blond Hokage slapped a hand on the desk for attention.

Now that all gazes were on her (and ignoring the new crack in the wood), she spoke.

"Alright. If that's the way it's going to be, I'll get the report from everyone. Naruto, you first. From the team meeting when you received the mission assignment."

Recognising her expression as a Number 42, ("Do as I say or experience unpowered flight"), the blond nodded sullenly.

"Ok, ok. We were at the meeting, waiting for Kakashi-sensei…"

* * *

The combined forces of Kumo, Oto and Kusa could not dent Naruto's good mood this morning, much less the broodiness of one team-mate and the shrillness of the other. Nope, Naruto's mood was far above such mundane threats to its existence.

Why? Because of two very important events, the first being the long-awaited release of Kakashi-sensei from the Tender Mercies of Konoha Central, his bones having knit, his muscles having healed and his eye(s) no longer seeing double.

Well, apart from that rather cruel prank played by Kumi and Umi (identical twins working in the 'Morons Ward') but that was a tale for another time.

The other (and rather more important, in Naruto's mind) event was that Gai-sensei had, at long last and after much gruelling training and many, many, Manly Man-Hugs, pronounced his control sufficiently high to once again accept missions.

As a result, Naruto's grin was on the verge of removing the top of his head. At last! Missions! Finally, Gama-chan's poor empty tummy would swell once again!

And so it was that Naruto sat, leaning against a post of the bridge that was their usual meeting place. Ignoring the grumbling of one team-mate and the brooding of the other, he concentrated instead on twirling a pair of training spheres in each hand.

For an exercise designed to improve dexterity and finger control it was actually pretty soothing, he thought. Even the gentle, steady scrape of the steel was kinda nice-

"Knock it off, baka!"

-Although judging by the vein appearing on Sakura's forehead, this was a minority opinion.

The clenched fist and initial flickers of the "Flames of Female Rage" genjutsu were something of a giveaway as well.

Fortunately for Sakura's knuckles and Naruto's skull, however, the puff of smoke heralding the arrival of their errant Sensei served to draw the pinkette's ire onto a safer target.

"Yo."

"You're late!" was the snarled reply. "You were supposed to be released yesterday!"

"Yeah, about that. It seems I had a flare-up and they had to keep me another day."

"You mean you tried to grab Kumi-san's butt on the way out and Umi-san kicked you in the balls, Kakashi-sensei."

'_Oh yes, that's what I was after!'_ thought Naruto at the shocked/surprised looks of his companions. _'Payback! Ahahahahaha!'_

"You-! How-?" Stuttered Kakashi, visible eye shocked.

"Shizune-neechan told me."

"Ah. Right, ok-"

"She said you screamed like a five year old girl."

"Er, the mission is-"

"How long did you need to keep the icepack on? Five hours, wasn't it?"

"The mission-"

"Umi-san does kickboxing, you see," explained Naruto to his increasingly-amused team mates, utterly ignoring the angry glower of his teacher.

"Naruto, shut up."

"-Saw her kick through an inch of plywood once."

"Shut up."

"It's amazing Kakashi-sensei can walk at all, really."

'_**Demon-Head no Jutsu!'**_

"NARUTO, SHUT UP AND LISTEN!"

"…Hai?"

'_I'll have to thank Iruka for teaching me that,'_ thought the scarecrow, taking a moment to collect himself.

"Right. Now that I have your attention, Naruto, I'll give you the details. We've been given a retrieval/escort mission to the castle of the Fire Daimyo in the Capital and back. One of the nobles has died and left his clan library to Konoha. We will be collecting and bringing it back here. Ok, questions?"

"It's not a jutsu library is it, Kakashi-sensei?" queried Sakura with a frown. "I didn't think civilians were allowed them."

"Good question. In fact, all the law forbids is the _use_ of jutsu for civilians, not the ownership. Can't have a clan penalised just because they have no active ninja in their ranks, after all. No, it's a deliberate legal loophole. Anyway, it's not just a jutsu library, as it happens. It seems Takata-dono was an inveterate bookworm. The library consists of…" checking the mission scroll, he continued. "-eight hundred and thirty volumes on pretty much every subject possible. We'll be using specialised sealing scrolls to transport them back."

"Risks?"

'_Ah, Sasuke. Master of the sullen, one-word question,'_ thought Naruto with a small grimace.

"The usual bandits, with a slight risk of samurai from rival clans after the library. Nothing too worrisome."

'_I've got a bad feeling about this…'_

"No more questions?" continued Kakashi. "Ok then-"

"Wait wait wait! Kakashi-sensei, w-what's the rank of this mission?"

'_Let it be a B-rank, let it be a B-rank…'_

"It's a C-rank, Naruto. Why?" the jounin said with a confused look, wondering at the apprehension on the blond genin's features.

"Ahh…n-no reason."

"Ok…Anyway." The lazy jounin cast one final odd look at Naruto before turning back to the others. "Gather supplies for a seven-day mission and meet back here in one hour. Dismissed."

As the members of Team Seven departed for their homes, Naruto remained, pale and sweating.

'_A C-rank. Great. Better get my tools.'_

* * *

"- And so, facing the terrible threat, I went forth-"

"Naruto, shut up with the 'Epic Storyteller' shtick," growled Tsunade. "You've been hanging around with Jiraiya too much. Sasuke, your turn."

"Hai. Sakura and I arrived at the bridge at the same time. Naruto was already there…"

* * *

During their time as team mates, Sasuke and Sakura had come to accept the fact that Naruto was a little…_odd._ The twin obsessions with ramen and orange, for example. His unusual verbal mannerisms. The frog theme he seemed to be developing.

By and large, however, these eccentricities were fairly mild (at least when compared to some of the other ninja in the village) and thus, easily written off.

The scene that greeted the two as they arrived at the meeting place, however, was sufficiently beyond the borders of 'normal' that they could only stare in mute bewilderment.

Their blond team-mate, clad in orange hooded robe, green bandanna and tricorn hat, was kneeling at what looked to be a two-level altar hastily constructed of fieldstone and muttering to himself. To his right, a pot was suspended over a campfire, the multitude of empty ramen packets giving mute testimony as to its contents.

Still muttering (and utterly ignoring his confused team-mates), Naruto moved to the pot and began to stir, allowing the audience to note the three idols previously obscured by the robe.

To the lower right was a stylised statue of a fox that Sakura recognised to be Inari.

'_That's a bit of an odd choice. Inari's not too popular anymore. Not since the Kyuubi.'_

To the lower left, a seated figure that seemed to have a, yes, the head of an elephant.

'_What kind of god has an elephant's head?'_ wondered Sasuke, with a frown. _'Well, that's got to be the strangest- _

'_Ah. no, I stand corrected.'_

It was the third idol that broke the Uchiha's conviction. Positioned above the first two and in the centre of the altar, as though superior, was what looked like nothing so much as a clump of noodles and meatballs, a pair of eyestalks adding the perfect final touch of strangeness to an already odd scene.

'_Only Naruto would worship a mess of noodles,'_ the two watchers thought in unknowing unison.

The reader should perhaps be given an explanation at this point. Naruto, due to his reputation and tenant, had never been welcome in the usual halls of spiritual learning during his formative years. As such, little Naruto, seeking as most do some manner of higher truth and being denied access to the mainstream, was driven to the more…_fringe-based_ faiths.

Inari, once influential and now sadly faded in worship, was currently served by a single priest at a run-down shrine outside the village walls. Naruto had found the shrine while running from some moderately upset ANBU after a prank (involving water balloons, three rats and some applied geometry) and had been captivated by the stories of the priest, as well as the cheeky look on the face of the guardian fox statue.

Lord Ganesha he had read about in an old scroll while painfully bored in Konoha Shinobi Library. The notion of having the "Remover of Obstacles" on his side had, after a little thought, seemed a Very Good and Useful Thing.

And then there was the last. He had learned about the Flying Spaghetti Monster at the same time as Ganesha, in what he had initially thought was an ancient jutsu scroll, 'borrowed' from the restricted section. True, the scroll had been so rotted and mildewed that a lot of the details had been lost, but he'd gotten the gist of it. A god made of noodles! Could there be a more fitting deity for Uzumaki Naruto? After all, if noodles were the Ultimate Food (and quite obviously _were_!), then it followed that a _god_ of noodles was the Ultimate God. His very own personal Supreme Power. How cool was that?

Which led to Naruto, clad all in flowing orange and wearing the sacred Three-Cornered Hat (so similar to the Hokage Hat, too! An omen!), pouring the sacred noodly offering into a bowl on the altar and intoning the appropriate prayer.

"Earhay emay, Ightymay Lyingfay Aghettispay Onstermay! Earhay emay, Aftycray Inarimay! Earhay emay, Indkay Aneshagay!"

"Um, Naruto?"

"Acceptnay isthay offeringnay andnay antgray usnay ouryay lessingbay.

"Naruto!"

"Easeplay, etlay isthay issionmay otnay ogay allnay otay apcray andnay etgay emay ospitalisedhay."

"Oi, Dobe!"

A vein appeared on the forehead of the chanting blond. Pushing the irritation aside, he continued.

"Andnay, ifnay ouyay ouldcay indfay itnay ustjay, leasepay ikestray ethay Emetay ithway ightninglay, atthay ehay ightmay inallyfay utupshay."

"Stop ignoring us, baka!"

The blond turned with a sharp sigh, a distinctly annoyed cast to his usually cheerful features.

"Sakura, I am doing this for your benefit as well as mine, so could you and the Teme leave me alone so I can concentrate?"

"What are you doing here anyway, dobe?" asked Sasuke, smoothly cutting off Sakura's potential tirade.

"Praying."

"Praying for what exactly?"

Stifling a groan and realising the futility of trying to evade further questioning, Naruto turned and faced his comrades.

"Ok, fine. I am making an offering to Inari-sama, Ganesha, Remover of Obstacles and the Flying Spaghetti Monster for protection on this mission."

'_What the hell?'_ As Sakura quietly wondered about the state of her team-mate's spiritual (not to mention mental) health, the Uchiha frowned in confusion.

"Why would we need protection for this mission, dobe? It's just a C-rank."

Naruto snorted in disdain. "Heh, Right. "Just a C-rank". Tell me, Sasuke, have you noticed anything in particular about the C-rank missions this team gets assigned? Something related to escalation? Hmm?"

"What are you talking about, baka?"

"Well, let's examine the evidence, shall we Sakura? C-rank mission number one: Zabuza, Haku, Gatou, and the Teme being turned into a pincushion. C-rank mission number two, the Chuunin Exams: Orochimaru, Gaara, the Invasion. C-rank mission number three, the mission to Snow: Chakra armour, lost princesses, me nearly drowning. C-rank mission number four: the Nattou Incident!"

Both listeners shuddered at the memory, hints of green coming to their features.

"And most recently," continued the ranting blond, unruffled at the discomfort of his audience, "the escort mission that got me hit with a torture jutsu, my strength boosted to an insane level and my control shot all to hell! The C-ranks this team takes are clearly cursed! This being the case," he growled, calming down a little from his near-shouting of a moment ago, "I am getting a little divine help to keep this mission from getting us, or rather, me, killed."

"Now if you don't mind," he said, turning sharply back to the altar, "I'd like to finish up here and get this mission over with. Ok?"

Silent nods were the only answer. Giving a short huff of satisfaction, Naruto went back to his chanting, not seeing the glances exchanged behind him.

'_What the hell?'_

'_I know. Weird.'_

* * *

Tsunade made a note in Naruto's file to have a long and serious talk about his religious beliefs.

_Soon_.

"Alright, alright, enough. Kakashi, you're up!"

Casually tucking away his ubiquitous orange book, the scrawny jounin spoke in a lazy voice.

"When I arrived-"

"An hour late!"

"Quiet, Naruto!"

"-Naruto had finished up. I assigned him the task of carrying the sealing scrolls. We set off and made it to the Capital three days later-"

"Dammit Hatake, details!" interrupted Tsunade with a snarl.

"Maa, maa, it's all boring stuff anyway, Hokage-sama."

"Grrrrrr."

"Ano, I'll take over the report if you like, Hokage-sama."

Still glowering at Kakashi (who had by now retrieved his book and was reading once more), Tsunade nonetheless cast a grateful nod to Sakura and settled back in her chair.

"We set off at a moderate run for the Capital…"

* * *

"Why the hell am I the pack mule?" grumbled Naruto. The reason for his current state of irritation was the three scrolls (each some thirty centimetres in diameter and sixty in length) strapped to his back. Sure, it wasn't as though the weight was really all that perceptible or anything, but it was the principal of the thing! Three scrolls, three people. The fair thing to do would be to give one to each of them, but _noooooo_! Naruto's gotten stronger, naturally he'd just _love_ to carry all the goods.

No, it was pretty clear that Naruto was not enjoying the mission thus far.

And truth to tell, neither were his team-mates. The weather had turned to foul about three hours out from Konoha, dumping a torrential downpour on the four shinobi before settling into a soaking drizzle which persisted until nightfall.

The storage scrolls had (with admirable forethought) been wrapped in waterproof oilskins.

The ninja, however, had not.

Then there was the fact that trees are, when wet, thoroughly aggravating to leap between, even with the tree-walking trick to rely on (wet bark conducting chakra differently to dry).

This was an even bigger problem for Naruto, as it turned out. It seemed no-one had thought to point out to the bombastic blond that density equals weight, a fact that became evident the first time Naruto attempted to stick to a tree only to peel a great streak of bark from the trunk on his brief but painful trip to the ground.

You had to admit, considered Sakura as Team Seven made for that night's safe house, Naruto had a surprisingly broad vocabulary for someone his age, at least in certain specific areas.

Still, as entertaining as it was to listen to Naruto swear for three full minutes without once repeating himself, the grumbling with which he was currently filling the air was becoming more than somewhat annoying. As such, Sakura (being the most mature member of her team, in her view at least), responded accordingly.

"Shut Up, Baka!"

…never mind.

'_I was wondering how long it'd take for one of them to snap,'_ thought Kakashi, absent-mindedly disarming the pinkette of the tree branch she was enthusiastically swinging at the blond.

"That's enough you two. Naruto, please stop complaining. Now. You are the strongest so you carry the greatest load."

The blond powerhouse sulkily folded his arms, muttering something about forming a union.

"Sakura, stop trying to concuss your team-mate-"

Naruto's pout lessened slightly-

"-His skull's too tough to hurt and you might damage the scrolls."

-only to descend back into shadow.

'_Maybe I should start a support group. 'Underappreciated Ninja Anonymous'. Those two gate guys could join, and Kankuro. Hmm…'_

So engrossed was Naruto in growling to himself and planning future workplace action that he very nearly overshot the rest point to which Kakashi had been leading them.

Not that that was a hard thing to do, really. It was a _ninja_ rest point, after all.

In examining the architecture of a building, one can learn a great deal about the character and values of the culture or profession for which it was built.

A samurai, trained in war and battle since youth, will, when considering a potential building, focus on certain things. "How will I make this building defensible?" he will ask. "How will I arrange matters for it to provide both protection and strength of attack?"

Thus, the home of a samurai will, to a greater or lesser extent (generally dependant on the rank and status of the samurai in question), resemble a castle. Strong and tall exterior walls, oblique and confusing entry points and at least one well-concealed emergency exit.

Put simply, Samurai will, given the option, basically treat their homes as a very large suit of armour.

Ninja, however, have a very different attitude and set of design principles to a samurai. While known on occasion to wear armour, a ninja would generally far prefer not to be in the position of getting hit in the first place.

As with the samurai, this attitude is born out in shinobi architecture, an attitude that may be accurately summarised thus:

"_They can't hit what they can't find."_

"Make it plain and unassuming," the ninja will say. "Make it dull, boring and easy to ignore. Hell, make it flat-out invisible!

And incidentally, when it comes to giving a place that nice, homey feel, a few miscellaneous lethal and borderline-lethal booby-traps are always stylish, right?"

Which goes a long way towards explaining why Safehouse 23, that evening's destination, was entirely underground, its entrance concealed among the gnarled roots of a three-century tree and three layers of permanent genjutsu seals.

The author feels Naruto can be forgiven for missing it, really.

Three quiet thumps (followed by a rather louder one from Naruto) were all that heralded Team Seven's arrival at the entrance.

"Ok Team Seven, welcome to Safehouse 23," said Kakashi in a tone that was really far too cheery for the prevailing conditions. "We have these scattered throughout Fire Country, mostly along the main trade routs. The location varies, but," the jounin brushed some moss from the massive roots to reveal the kanji for 'Fire' and 'Tree', "If you find these engraved on a surface, the entrance will be within a five-meter radius."

The cycloptic shinobi paused a moment to enjoy the looks of barely-contained impatience on his genin. _'Is this how Iruka feels all the time? I can see why he does it.'_

"Anyway," he continued, "the entrances are always hidden under a permanent, one-way genjutsu, keyed to a password. Ahem. _Will of Fire_."

The genin stared as an entrance completely failed to appear.

"Oh, wait, yeah, this is a _Tuesday_. My bad. Ok, er… _Hiraishin_!"

The sound of cracking knuckles drifted from Sakura as Naruto slowly drew a kunai and Sasuke's hands drifted into the Tiger seal.

"Ok, wait, it's the _waning_ moon, _before_ dusk and there's _four_ of us…Ah! Ok, no killing, I got it, I got it…" the increasingly edgy jounin muttered, subtly preparing to flee in the event that his next guess prove wrong as well.

Taking a deep breath, he spoke.

"_Icha-Icha tactics, page twenty-three!"_

Fortunately for Kakashi's hide (and blood, bones, spleen…) there came a shimmer of discharging chakra and, with no fanfare whatsoever, a neat set of concrete stairs flickered into view.

'_I'm really glad that worked'_ thought the laconic ninja. "Well, let's go in and get dried up. Come on."

As they stared after their sensei, one thought was occupying the minds of the three genin, naturally falling to Naruto to give it voice.

"Who the hell came up with that password?"

'_Wow,'_ thought Naruto as he reached the bottom of the stairs and took in the view. _'It's…exactly as I imagined it.'_

Naruto would probably have described the room as 'spartan', at least if he had known what 'spartan' meant. Circular it was, in that delightfully cheery 'Concrete Grey' so beloved by government contractors throughout the universe, its contents minimal. A table and chairs, a sink, stove and set of cupboards and a trio of doors at the opposite side of the room from the entrance.

'_You can tell ninja designed this place,'_ thought the blond as he eased the scrolls to the floor, placed his pack beside them and arched his back with a great crackling of vertebrae.

"Ok, time for dinner," he muttered, carefully rummaging for his supplies. _'Let's see, I had miso last night, so tonight it's-'_

Naruto's face fell as an unwelcome memory presented itself.

'_-ration bars, seeing as I used half my supplies to seek the Noodly One's divine favour. Dammit!'_

Slumping down in one of the spare seats, a "Meat Flavoured" ration bar in front of him, Naruto wished once again for the kind of face that could look good sulking. Not that he was that prone to the practice, of course. It was just that for some reason the expression that, on the teme, had women sighing over his brooding angsty-broodiness gained for the blond nothing but rolled eyes or (on a very small minority of older women), squeals of "Kawaii!" and cheek pinching.

Still, though his face (changed though it was) remained unsuitable for sulking, Naruto was having a go at it.

'_Oh sure, teme and Sakura-chan can eat. Teme and Sakura-chan can buy the non-overdue ration bars. Teme and Sakura-chan are unbelievers, so no sacrificing half _their _ramen rations for the sake of the mission, noooo…'_

Driven by a particularly loud growl from his stomach (a friendly warning to him that, should sustenance not be forthcoming, it would be quite happy to scale his oesophagus and go hunting on its own), the orange-loving youth began a semi-frantic search of his person.

'_Maybe there's a decent tasting bar here or something. Can't risk looking in the pack, too much temptation. Kunai, kunai, bingo book, shuriken, scroll, kunai, shuri-_

_Wait. Back up.' _

The scroll was about fifteen centimetres in length and (judging by the thickness) about three to four meters long. A tag decorated with a chibi-Shizune giving the 'peace' sign under the legend "Uzumaki Mission Care Package" affixed to the tie holding it closed gave testimony to its origin.

'_Shizune-neechan's really sneaky, to plant this on me without me knowing.'_

Releasing the tie, Naruto's eyes widened at the sight of the characters on the parchment.

'_If this is what I think it is, I am so gonna owe Shizune-neechan when I get back!'_

"Oi, Dobe, what's with the sealing scroll?"

Naruto smirked at the brooding avenger. "Someone likes me, I guess."

Sasuke's somewhat confused rejoinder was drowned out as a slight popping sound and puff of smoke heralded the unsealing of-

"THANK YOU, SHIZUNE-NEECHAN!"

-A good-sized cauldron of steaming hot Tonkotsu Ramen.

Taking in the delightful smell of his bounty, the envious looks on the faces of his formerly-amused team mates and calculating the number of 'ramen' seals that could fit onto a four-meter scroll, Naruto smiled blissfully.

'_Maybe this mission'll be ok after all.'_

* * *

"Of course, I was wrong. After we got to the capital-"

"Naruto, stop taking over the report! No one wants to hear about your stupid ramen scroll!"

"It's better than you just squealing about "Sasuke-kun!". Besides, you liked my ramen scroll well enough the second night out when that tanuki got into your ration bars!"

The melodic sound of wood splintering on knuckles drew pink and blond's attention back to the Hokage, now fixing them with her famed "Desist or be reduced to paste" glare.

"Thank you," she said to the sudden silence. "Now, in the interests of brevity, Naruto will deliver the report, with the rest of you chiming in where necessary. Naruto, unless it is immediately relevant, there will be no further mention of ramen. Clear?"

Contrary to popular Konoha belief, Naruto could in fact be professional when the situation called for it. Judging by the expression on Tsunade-baachan's face, this was one of those times. Naruto stiffened to attention and continued.

"Ok. The rest of the trip to the capital was uneventful. When we arrived, however…"

* * *

"Shouldn't the gates be open, Kakashi-Sensei?" asked Sakura as they gazed at the monolithic slabs of timber and steel obstructing their path.

"Yeah," agreed Naruto, a puzzled frown on his face. "I mean, it's still daylight, after all."

"It is a little strange, I'll admit," mused the Jounin, nose for once _not_ in his book. "It's not as though they really risk attack in the middle of the Capital. No. this, most likely, is a political gesture."

The uncomprehending looks cast at him by the three genin warmed his heart. At last, a chance to show why he was the sensei!

"Politics," he said, clearing his throat, "Is ultimately about power. Ninja have power, far beyond that of the average civilian, which, as a result, causes the average civilian to fear ninja. Nobles, however, are in a position where they are able to even the score, so to speak. In having the gates closed for our arrival, someone is basically telling us "You are ninja, but I am above you"".

The silver-haired scarecrow eye-smiled as understanding dawned on the faces of the two attentive genin.

Hang on. He had _three_ genin, not two. Where was-

Oh no.

As though through the sharingan, he watched in mounting horror as the orange-loving blond walked purposefully toward the gates. Kakashi could almost _hear_ his thought process: _'The gate is closed. We are on _this_ side of the gate. We must move to _that_ side of the gate. To do that, the gates must be opened. How can this be achieved? Answer: Knock!'_

Which he promptly did.

"Oi, Naruto-!"

-Thoom! Thoom! CrunchshriekCRACK!-

"…never mind," sighed Kakashi as he watched a chagrined Naruto edge away from the sizable hole now punched in the gates.

'_Mental note: suggest the creation of 'Acts of Shinobi' insurance coverage.'_

"Well," he joined the others in glaring at the embarrassed blond as fortress guards formed a professional (albeit nervous) perimeter around them. "Now that we have their attention, Naruto, I will arrange for us to be presented to the client. Remember, when we are with him, be professional, respectful and" (he cast a firm look at the blond) "_quiet._ Understand?"

"Hai!"

Nodding in approval and turning to the guard Captain (waiting nearby with the air of one who is not being paid enough to deal with stuff like this), Kakashi paused and turned once more to Naruto.

"Oh yeah, one more thing."

The embarrassed youth, formerly occupied with avoiding eye contact, jerked to attention.

"Until we are once more outside and well away from buildings, walls, trees and other fragile objects, your hands will remain in your pockets. Clear?"

"Hai…" grumbled Naruto, putting the words to deed to the poorly-concealed amusement of his team-mates.

"Good!" said their laconic leader with a brisk clap of the hands. "Now, let's go meet the client!"

* * *

"Well," chuckled Tsunade quietly. "That at least sheds some light on this bill for gate repair I received from the Capital. And the restraining order requesting Naruto not be allowed within twenty meters of the Fortress' outer curtain walls."

"…Stupid nobles, punch a hole in one measly gate and they get all worked up."

"You put your fist through the Daimyo's gate, Baka! How do you think they'd react?" Sakura half-shrieked.

"…Shouldn't have made it so flimsy, then…" grumbled the sulking shinobi.

"Dobe, forty centimetres of ironwood with a steel sheathing is not 'flimsy'."

"…wood was probably rotten…"

"Anyway!" interjected Tsunade (knowing in her bones that this would prove to be a three-bottle report). "Save the arguments for later, when I am not present, and continue."

"Hai Baachan," said Naruto, shaking off his sulk. "After Kakashi-sensei explained things and all the archers, spearmen, samurai, slingers and everyone else went away, we all went to see the client. That was when the _next_ surprise showed up…"

* * *

"- and so, I'm so very glad to have this collection in save hands, my boy! Why, I've been Takata-kun's librarian for a good sixty years now, and-"

He looked it, too. Daihon-san had the look of a normal man from whom every drop of moisture had been removed. Gaunt. Spindly. Somehow _leathery_, even.

In fact, thought Naruto, he looked like what a man with a giant, demonic book sealed into him might look like.

'_I mean, Gaara's got those tanooki rings around his eyes, after all…' _

Paper-white hair, dark, leathery skin, that slight creaking sound as he moved…it was so obvious!

"-And I'm sure Konoha will benefit from all these texts. Over a thousand scrolls alone, and at least as many codices. All the donations-"

"Ano, Kakashi-sensei," asked Sakura hesitantly. "Didn't our mission brief specify eight hundred and thirty scrolls only?"

"Quite right, Sakura," replied the Jounin (ignoring Naruto's muttered "I knew it, just _knew_ it. Escalation!). "Daihon-san, a moment please. Our mission brief specified eight hundred thirty items in total, not two thousand. Would you mind explaining?"

"Ah," the (literally!) bookish librarian sighed sheepishly. "I'm afraid that is an effect of clan politics."

Taking in the four-part blank stares, he gave a slight grin and continued down the hall, explaining as he went.

"Essentially, you have fallen victim to a game of one-upmanship between several noble clans. You see, when Takata-dono willed his library to Konohagakure, it was seen as a generous act, an act for which his clan gained a good deal of prestige."

Drawing a key from the sleeve of his robe, he unlocked a rather massive looking door and gestured the four shinobi through before continuing.

"Of course, the other clans couldn't let that pass uncontested, so each of the clans involved went through their own libraries for texts to add to the donation, mostly ones they had no real use for. And this," he gestured dramatically at a vast pile of literary lumber, "Is the result."

Now, placed upon a shelf, books have a tendency to look deceptively small. In reality, however, books are by nature bulky objects (a fact discovered by every student required by circumstance to carry their textbooks to every class). Scrolls, being cylindrical and thus far less efficiently stacked, are even worse.

Two thousand large codices and bulky scrolls, all stacked on a table, can be a rather intimidating sight.

The reader is invited to verify this fact themselves.

Not even the vibrant Naruto could bring himself to speak right away. _'That's…a lotta books, all in one place.'_

"Well," said Kakashi briskly, shaking off the slight sense of awe. "We'll seal as many as we can into the scrolls, starting with Takata-dono's contribution. We can work out what to do with the rest later. Sakura, Sasuke, get sealing. Naruto, don't touch anything."

As the sound of quiet pops filled the room, Naruto stalked over to a chair and sat, silently fuming.

'_Yeah, "work out what to do with the rest later". I'll tell you what we'll do: put the scrolls _and_ the rest on my back! Grrr.'_

"You seem a bit…_upset_…Uzumaki-san. Is something wrong?"

Looking up, Naruto gave a half-hearted grin to the librarian.

"Eheh, Just call me Naruto please. "Uzumaki-san" makes me think I'm in trouble."

He sighed. "I accidentally broke something outside, so now I'm not allowed to help with the books. Just carry the sealing scrolls."

This won him a look of sympathy from the old man.

"Yes, I can see how that would be frustrating. You seem like an active young man, so to be forced to be idle would be…annoying."

'_This guy's good,'_ thought the blond.

There was a moment of silence before a passing thought caught Naruto's mind.

"Hey, Daihon-san, what are all these books and things about? I mean, they can't all be on jutsu and techniques, right?"

"Indeed," replied the leathery librarian approvingly. "Virtually every subject imaginable is represented in this collection. Here, have a look at the master catalogue and see for yourself."

Taking the coil of tough rag paper gingerly, Naruto took in the first few titles and gawked.

""_Your Kunai and You_"? "_Shinobi are from Fire, Kunoichi are from Cloud_"? "_The Physics of Ikebana_"? The hell-?"

"Yes, the range of topics is rather broad," chuckled the older man at the younger's reaction. "As I said, this endeavour was seen as a way to dispose of unwanted texts as much as a way to gain prestige."

Naruto continued scanning the list, his expression growing steadily more incredulous.

""_A guide to lizard racing_"? "_Applied Chemistry in a Combat Situation_"? I never knew there were so many things to write about!"

"Every subject imaginable," agreed the librarian. "Whenever someone has explored an interest and recorded the results there will be a book about it somewhere."

"That's so cool. I'm glad we're getting this stuff for Konoha. The library there's just jutsu scrolls and training manuals. Nothing like…"_Cooking for a Clan Gathering_"."

Daihon frowned slightly. "I can imagine the ninja library would be somewhat specialised, but surely the civilian…"

"Oh yeah, I suppose they would have more subjects, but they never let me in."

"Never-! You were never allowed into a…_Public Library_?" asked the man in what would, in a lesser mortal than a Librarian, be called a growl.

To refuse someone access to Knowledge! Some librarians were going to have an extremely intimate encounter with a dating stamp if he ever made it to Konoha, Daihon decided.

Still, that task (as pleasant as it would no doubt turn out to be) was for the future. Right now he had a tragically book-deprived youth to encourage.

Attending once again to Naruto (still exclaiming at the titles on the master list), the gaunt bibliophile thought for a moment before a smile flickered over his features.

"So, Naruto-san, do you see anything of interest there?"

"Oh yeah, definitely!" exclaimed the blond. "This stuff sounds so cool!"

"Well then," smirked the older man, "I think I have a suggestion…"

* * *

"…which reminds me," broke off the orange-clad shinobi, pulling a small green-wrapped scroll from a pocket and presenting it to the Hokage's surprised assistant. "Here you go, Shizune-neechan!"

"Um, thank you Naruto-kun. What-?" stammered the somewhat off-balance woman.

"A souvenir from the Capital. I want it to be a surprise though, so don't unseal it yet, ok?"

A growl was heard over Shizune's mumbled agreement (_'Dammit Naruto-kun, now the anticipation's going to kill me!')_ as Sakura reached a conclusion not to her liking.

"Naruto," she said, her tone veritably dripping potential violence. "Why does Shizune-san get a gift and not your own team mates?"

A look of innocent confusion appeared on his face as he answered.

"Well, you guys were at the Capital too. If you wanted a souvenir, why didn't you get one yourself? Besides," he continued, his expression firming, "I needed to replay Shizune-neechan for the Ramen Scroll."

Tsunade had, by this time, discarded the cup in favour of drinking directly from the bottle which she pressed into service as a makeshift gavel to divert the argument before it could take off.

"Naruto. Report. Remember?"

"Ok, ok. We got most of the books sealed and put the rest in my pack, at the cost of half my remaining ramen packets…"

* * *

_Sotto Voce_ grumbling filled the air as Team Seven took to the trees through the deepening twilight. Surprisingly, and for perhaps the first time on the mission, said grumbling was not issuing from Naruto. True, the orange-clad powerhouse was not exactly thrilled at having to abandon even more of his Holy Noodly Ambrosia, but that dismay was balanced by several factors.

First, due to his pack being filled with books and scrolls, Sakura and the Teme were _finally_ pulling their weight, each labouring under the weight of a sealing scroll.

Granted, it wasn't as though he'd really noticed the weight, and he was still carrying the third, but if he could be forced to sacrifice his Ramen to mission escalation, then his team mates could carry some scrolls!

Second was the fact that, after a hurried conversation with the Major-domo and the captain of the Palace Guards, Kakashi-sensei had announced that Team Seven was heading back to Konoha today! Sure, being basically sent to your room after breaking something was a little uncool, but the way he saw it, less time spent on a deadly C-Rank mission meant less time in which escalation could get him, Naruto, hurt or killed.

Of course, getting back to Tenten-chan, Shizune-neechan, Lee, Neji and Gai-sensei was cool as well. Training! Yosh!

* * *

"Naruto, what did I tell you about emulating Gai too much?"

"That it would stunt my growth, make me go blind, inhibit my social development and make you compulsively punch me into the wall."

"That's right. Keep that in mind as you continue."

* * *

Naturally, it was then that the first arrow fell.

"Take cover!" barked Kakashi as Team Seven leaped into the canopy, to the dismay of the platoon of black-armoured samurai only now emerging from concealment.

Though he still had yet to memorise all the Ninja Rules, Naruto could recall standard battle tactics quite well. Doctrine stated that the first order of business in this particular situation was to locate the rest of his team ("When under massed missile attack, cell is to take individual cover, thereby dispersing potential targets") and plan from there.

'_Ok, chakra signatures…there's Sakura, that's the Teme and…ah, Kakashi-sensei! Which means that those _other_ two are…_

_Uh oh.'_

Forming a pair of Shadow Clones as decoys, the blond bookmobile took once again to the trees, his course taking him back to his team…

And almost directly onto an exploding tag, only its telltale hissing and his new reflexes saving him from a severe charring.

Riding the adrenaline (not to mention the shockwave), he redoubled his speed through the trees, Sasuke and Sakura appearing to his left as the foliage thinned.

"What did I tell you? Huh? Escalation! Samurai, Ninja, explosions! Just a typical C-Rank!"

"Naruto, calm down," said a newly-shunshined Kakashi firmly. "Report."

"At least two strong chakra signatures and approximately thirty samurai," replied Sasuke. "All mostly mid-level, I'd say."

"They can only be after the library", stated Kakashi, lazy attitude gone. "Sakura, Sasuke, give the sealing scrolls to Naruto. Naruto, make enough clones to provide a distraction and make all speed toward Konoha."

Naruto's jaw dropped. "What?! Let me fight, Kakashi-sensei! I'm stronger now, remember? I can take on-!"

"Naruto, this is not a request!" barked the silver-haired jounin. "It is a direct order from your commanding officer. Take the cargo and head for Konoha. Now!"

Hands trembling in frustration and swearing under his breath, the orange clad blond did as he was bade, filling the clearing with decoys and leaping off just as the first pursuers arrived.

As sounds of combat filled the air behind him, he grimaced.

'_This is really going to suck,'_ he thought. _'I just _know_ it.'_

* * *

"Ok," interjected Tsunade. "Sasuke, give me a report of your fight now."

"Hai"

* * *

Sasuke cast a considering eye at the formation of samurai, sharingan picking out relevant details with crystal clarity.

Black armour for deniability, a good open formation and, yes, repeating crossbows, swords being held in reserve for close work.

'_They've done operations like this before.'_

"Sakura, Sasuke, out task is to prevent or at least delay pursuit. Contain or eliminate the samurai. I will deal with the shinobi. If we get separated you are to head for the last safe house we visited for rendezvous. Go!"

Even as their sensei vanished into a shunshin the Genin were in motion. Flickering through hand seals, the Uchiha loosed a series of fireballs at the flanks of the enemy group.

Even as the heat washed over the armour-clad combatants, kunai festooned with explosive tags began dropping into their midst, their sharper detonations providing a counterpoint to the hollow –whump!- of the jutsu.

In an ideal world, that would have been enough. Demoralised at their losses and intimidated by the explosions, the survivors would shortly break and run.

Sadly, this was rather definitely not an ideal world. These were samurai, after all. Battle-hardened, capable and stoic.

Well-armoured, too.

As arrows once again began to perforate the foliage, Pink and Black shared a sigh.

"Sakura, I'll slow them down. Go on ahead and arrange some surprises for them."

"Hai!"

Hopping to the ground as his team-mate leaped through the branches, Sasuke sighed, his hands moving through the familiar seals.

'_Naruto's going to be insufferable after this.'_

* * *

"I delayed them with kunai and katon jutsu, then led them into a series of traps set by Sakura."

"Mostly deadfalls and explosive tags." Added Sakura helpfully, earning her a curt nod from the Uchiha.

"The samurai eventually broke after losing approximately two thirds of their numbers, taking their wounded with them. We then made for the safe house but encountered Kakashi-Sensei before we arrived."

"And on that note, it's now Kakashi's turn," interjected Tsunade. "In detail, Kakashi."

"…hai."

* * *

'_Well,'_ thought Kakashi as he faced off with his opponent. _'This is troublesome.'_

"Just hand over the library, Copycat, and all will be well."

"Maa, I'm afraid I can't do that, Shinobi-san," replied Kakashi. "How about this, though: you and your partner leave us in peace and we won't have to fight to the death. Ok?"

A moment of silence passed as the two subtly manoeuvred for position.

"Huh. No village hitai-ate I see. Clan retainer?"

The shinobi, tentatively identified by now as a man, drew a kunai in each fist and took up a relaxed ready stance.

"Well judged, Copycat. I would give you my name, that whole pre-fight dialogue thing and all, but that would rather defeat the point of being an anonymous agent, now wouldn't it? You understand."

"Of course," came Kakashi's unnervingly cheery answer. "So, now that we have the banter and veiled threats out of the way, shall we fight? I really need to catch up to my team."

The response was a spray of flung kunai and shuriken as the dark-clad figure faded from view.

'_Oh, I hate that 'Hiding in the Shadows' technique,'_ thought the Cyclops, absently dodging the projectiles and leaping into the overhanging branches.

This was obviously one of the old-style shinobi, he thought, straining his senses.

'_Well, first things first. Let's find ourselves a ninja.'_

"You don't mind if I do that "I can read your mind" gimmick you like, do you?" came a polite yet mocking voice from his left. "It's just that I don't get the chance to do the whole 'battle banter' thing very often, what with being the silent killer in the shadows, you know."

"If you must," replied Kakashi as he ducked yet another kunai.

"Thank you. So, right now, you've noticed that you can't track me by sound or sight and the speed at which we are moving makes smell ineffective as well, so you're trying to track my chakra signature. Am I right?"

'_Is it that annoying when I use that trick?' _thought Kakashi, contorting himself into some rather improbable positions to avoid the seemingly endless projectiles.

"Yes, Copycat, it is."

'_What the hell?' _

Never mind. Just find the signature…

Kakashi's eyes widened.

Nothing at all. What the _hell_?!

…Oh, very clever.

"My congratulations Shinobi-san. That jutsu is a masterpiece."

This time, the voice came from above and held a distinct tone of smugness.

"Like it? I knew the drawback to concealment techniques is hiding too well, so…"

"You blended your chakra with the ambient field like a chameleon on a leaf. I did wonder why you were restricting yourself to tools only."

Kakashi could _hear_ the smug grin this time.

"Yes, the "Hiding in Places" technique is a little delicate, but it's not as though I _need_ jutsu to kill, after all."

The statement was punctuated by a veritable hail of pointed metal, coming on eccentric trajectories. Swearing, the former ANBU shunshined onto an open branch as the storm of steel reduced his former perch to powder.

A flicker in his peripheral vision was all the warning he received before a crossbow bolt embedded itself in his shoulder. Leaping away with a cry of _**"Hidden Mist Technique!"**_ the copycat ninja filled the area with obscuring fog as he made a tactical retreat.

'_Not good. How the hell did he track my shunshin? Either he's faster than hell, or-_

_Ah.'_

"What's wrong, Copycat? Feeling a little sting?"

"Actually," replied Kakashi, his usual bored tone restored, "I just thought it was time to shed a little light on this scene. _**Grand Fireball Technique!**_"

A startled exclamation told Kakashi his hunch as to the direction of his elusive foe had been good. Slapping a patch over the (thankfully minor) wound on his shoulder, the gaunt ninja began another set of seals even as the other shinobi spoke again.

"Close, Copycat, but close isn't good enough. You can't find me and you can't hit me. Give up."

'_**Cutting leaf Hurricane!'**_

Kakashi was quite sure he heard a startled "Shit!" as a cloud of razor-edged, Chakra-infused leaves filled the air.

'_I really love my job sometimes,'_ he thought as he readied yet another jutsu.

There was no mistaking the annoyance this time.

"What are you thinking to accomplish here, exactly? These area-effect jutsu of yours are, at best, a distraction. You will run out of chakra eventually, and I will kill you.

And incidentally", the tone grew slightly spiteful, "Your chakra control is pathetic. The amount of chakra you're wasting with those jutsu is ridiculous."

"Maa, Maa, no need to be insulting, Shinobi-san. I'm just a little out of practice, I suppose. Oh yes, _**'Lightning Tornado Technique!'**_"

Closing his eyes against the actintic blaze of ravening electricity, Kakashi felt a warm glow of satisfaction at the girlish squeal of pain from his still-hidden foe.

'_Yep, that should about do it.'_

"THAT! IS! IT!" The humour had completely left the voice, replaced with a quite noticeable amount of killing intent. "You die now!"

'_Ok, track the ripples in the chakra field. Track the ripples…_

_There!'_

Spinning as though in slow motion he blocked the kunai with a gauntlet-plate, dodged another, drew back his own and prepared to throw-

And was knocked violently from his feet as an almost-visible shockwave of chakra blasted through the trees.

Shaking off the tingling of his limbs and blinking spots from his sharingan, the genius jounin staggered to his feet and looked around, only to spot the gently-smouldering body of his former opponent a few meters away.

"B-But…I was about to defeat him in a brilliant yet ironic way!" he grumbled for a moment, before gazing sullenly in the direction from which the pulse had come.

'_Somehow, I just _know_ Naruto is behind this.'_

* * *

There was silence for a moment as Tsunade took in the slight twitching of the silver-haired jounin, before sighing.

"Alright Hatake, tell us what your "Brilliant yet Ironic" plan was. Then explain what _actually_ happened."

"Thank you, Hokage-sama!" Kakashi cleared his throat then spoke in a lecturing tone.

"As you know, hiding jutsu are typically flawed, in that they either fail to hide one's chakra signature or hide it too well."

"Like a moving spot of silence, right Kakashi-sensei?" asked Sakura curiously.

"Correct," he said, favouring the pinkette with an approving look. "Virtually everywhere you go there will be ambient chakra released in trace amounts from living things. Usually a human chakra signature will be stronger than this field and will thus stand out, but suppressing your chakra too well will create a void, which is only slightly less noticeable.

This is less of a problem against civilians, of course," he continued with a dismissive wave of the hand. "Against Chuunin and above, however, it's better to rely on other methods of concealment."

"Kakashi. Get to the point." Growled the blond Hokage, inadvertently summing up the feelings of the three genin as well.

"Hai, hai. Now, this shinobi was very clever. Instead of hiding his chakra, he tuned it to the level of the ambient chakra field. Blending in, essentially."

"So, that's why he wasn't using jutsu?" asked Naruto, somewhat pleased that he was able to follow the explanation. For now, at least.

"Correct", Kakashi nodded. "A jutsu would not only take too much concentration to maintain, the pulse caused as it activated would have disrupted the stealth jutsu as well. Thus, he stuck to physical attacks, launched from perfect concealment."

"Ok, Kakashi-sensei, but what was your plan?" asked Sakura, the slight twitching of her eyebrow hinting at her rapidly-shortening temper.

"…genin these days, no patience at all…What I was planning was to take advantage of the fact that, to 'blend in' with the ambient chakra, they would have needed to _absorb_ the ambient chakra, at least a little. I deliberately lowered my control as I used the area-effect jutsu to flood the area with residual chakra, then looked for abnormal eddies within it. I would then draw him in close and eliminate him."

"Ok," drawled Naruto. "So what did happen?"

"Oh. Well, because of the jutsu, the shinobi had been forced to absorb and emit greater and greater amounts of chakra to blend in. When the pulse hit, the massive chakra surge overloaded his chakra coils and essentially fried him from the inside."

"There was that much chakra? Cool!" Naruto brightened from his formerly thoughtful look.

"And on that note," said Tsunade with a sigh, "We come back to you, Naruto. You had something to do with the shockwave, I take it?"

"Um…not _directly_", said Naruto, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly. "See, I was heading for Konoha…"

* * *

The orange fighters flickered through the trees almost silently, only the occasional crack of bark or rustle of leaves giving testament to their passing. Ordinarily only too happy to voice his discontent, Naruto was still enough of a ninja to recognise that now was really not the time.

He was being pursued, he could tell. The chakra signature had faded, but the occasional flickers in his peripheral vision and the prickling on the back of his neck were quite clear.

'_Ok, he's either waiting for me to run into a trap, waiting for his friend to catch up, or…'_

Naruto had been expecting pursuit and had thus deployed his clones largely to the rear, with only a few in front. This being the case, he had only a very brief warning that, yes, option number one was coming true before the spiderweb of ninja wire tightened around him.

'_Dammit! _Fifty clones_ and __I'm__ the one to get caught! Spaghetti-sama, you owe me big!'_

Wincing as the wires began to raise welts on his exposed skin, the blond powerhouse began the process of snapping his way free just as a voice echoed around the trees.

"You must be very strong to break my wires with such ease, Orange Leaf. I'll have to have a word with the manufacturers."

'_Does every ninja but me know the 'Speaking from Everywhere at Once' trick?'_ Naruto grumbled mentally as he moved into a defensive stance.

"So," he called, annoyance evident in his tone. "Is this the part where you threaten my life unless I hand over the cargo?"

"Actually, I thought I'd just incapacitate you and take them. Sorry. I take it you've been in that situation before?"

"Yeah, once or twice," growled the blond, cracking his neck and forming an almost instinctive cross-shaped hand seal. A puff of smoke later and fifty more clones reinforced those already present.

"Hiding among Bunshin, eh? That would be a good move, leaf, if I didn't have a counter. _**Disruption Technique!**_"

It would be hard to say which of the two was more surprised as the chakra patterns of one hundred kage bunshin unravelled all at once; Naruto, hit with the backlash of the disintegrating clones and the shock at having his primary combat technique so easily neutralised, or the shinobi at the tsunami of chakra that arose as the clones evaporated.

"What the hell? Simple bunshin shouldn't release that much chakra!" muttered the shinobi, staggering to her feet to glare at the single remaining spot of orange. "Those must have been Kage Bunshin, but to make so many, so casually…"

Clearly, the blond was more of a threat than initial assessments had indicated.

* * *

"Where did you learn those words, dobe?"

"Shut up, Teme."

* * *

'_Not good,'_ thought Naruto, fighting down the weird feeling of being in a hundred places at once. His head still swimming, he cast a look at his opponent.

'_Ok, from the looks of it she's been shocked a bit too.'_

Naruto made a tactical decision. This kunoichi had managed to wipe out his entire fighting force in one move. Granted, she'd caught some backlash, but it was still a very troublesome situation.

To stay here would mean combat, clearly. Since he didn't really have any combat jutsu, it would be down to taijutsu (at least on his part). Sure, if he _caught _her it would be over, but he just knew this was one of those sneaky, kill-you-from-a-distance shinobi.

An evil Tenten-chan, if you will.

A fight might damage the library, too.

Decision made, the blond took to his heels. Darting through the trees at the highest speed possible, he grinned as he heard a curse from behind him.

The grin vanished a moment later as, for the second time in five minutes, he found himself in a cocoon of ninja wire.

There was a shout of _**"Web of the Lightning Spider technique!" **_and the world got very, very painful.

* * *

"And that's when they captured the library?"

Naruto nodded sheepishly. "Yeah, I think I got knocked out. When I woke up Sakura was hitting me."

"He was still smouldering when we reached him, Hokage-sama. It was actually rather amusing to see."

The steely glare cast at him by his leader informed the silver-haired jounin that this was not, in fact, the case. Mentally shrugging, he went on.

"Having woken Naruto-"

"With a stick!"

"-I deployed my summon dogs and we went in pursuit. The shinobi was quite skilled at covering their traces, but between the nin-hounds and their being weighed down, it was relatively easy."

"Unless anything of great relevance happened during the chase, skip to when you found them, Kakashi."

"Hai. We eventually arrived at the castle of a lesser regional lord after one day's pursuit. We were initially concerned about the location of the library when Naruto gave us a piece of good news."

* * *

"The goods are in the main treasure vault in the basement of the castle, Kakashi-sensei", the blond said with a smile.

"How would you know that, Dobe?" quipped Sasuke with a slight sneer.

"Well, teme, when the ninja lady killed all my clones, I got a feeling like I was in a hundred places at once, like I got the clone's memories, you know? So I planted a henged clone in my pack for some security. It just dispelled and I got the memories of the way to the scrolls. Kage-bunshin are so cool!"  
Arms folded and eyes closed in satisfaction, it took a moment for Naruto to notice the shocked silence. Opening his eyes, he noted his team mates and sensei casting him a look similar to that cast at a cat singing opera.

"What?!"

Visibly shaking himself, Kakashi broke through his shock. "Ok, here's the plan. Naruto, you will guide Sasuke and Sakura to the scrolls. Once they are retrieved, Naruto is to create a distraction while you withdraw and meet back here. I will deal with any shinobi there may be. Clear?"

Smiling at the trio of nods, Kakashi stood.

"Right! Team Seven, move out! Oh yes," he continued, a thought occurring. "Naruto."

"Hai?"

"That "Hands in your pockets" rule? Forget it."

"Hai!"

* * *

"Kakashi…" groaned Tsunade in a tone of great disappointment.

"I know, I know. I should have known better, but heat of the moment and all…"

"Alright", the blond leader groaned, pulling a bag of aspirin (labelled "In case of Naruto") from her desk. "I have a feeling I know how this is going to go, but continue. Sasuke."

"Hai. Astonishingly, we didn't get lost as we followed Naruto into the castle."

"Hey!"

"When we got to the treasure vault, however, there was a problem."

* * *

It was just typical, thought Sasuke. You make it through a castle teeming with samurai, civilians and other discovery risks unseen and undetected. You avoid any number of traps and alarms. You finally locate the object stolen from you, and all seems good.

And then you discover that the object stolen from you lies behind the most robust and intimidating vault door imaginable.

Sasuke was beginning to sympathise with Naruto's fear of C-Ranks, to be honest.

"Naruto," he growled. "How did your clone manage to miss the giant, steel, multiple-combination-lock-sealed vault door?"

"Ehehe. Um, oops?"

Catching Sakura's fist midway through its interception course with Naruto's skull, Sasuke levelled a glare at the blond.

"We are currently in the middle of a mission," he stated calmly in a tone of liquid nitrogen, "So we will delay your beating until afterwards. For now, we need to get this vault open. Suggestions, Sakura?"

"Um, well…there are three separate combination locks, so guessing the sequence or cracking the lock is out, and any jutsu that might break the door would probably destroy the contents. Which leaves…"

Sasuke could feel his heart sink as the realisation dawned. A glance at Sakura's expression told him that she felt the same.

Naruto, on the other hand, was radiating such an aura of good cheer that he was practically casting shadows. Cracking his knuckles, the blond silently formed five clones (all beaming as well) and approached the door with a purposeful tread.

Sasuke sighed. _'How did it come to this?'_

"Ok. Before you try Naruto, remember that it will be alarmed. You open the door, we grab the library and we go. Also…" he broke off, struggling to force the words past the lump in his throat. "…You are in charge of providing the distraction."

'_This poor, poor castle'_, he thought as he took in the look of unrestrained glee worn by Naruto and his clones alike as they took a firm grip on the edges of the door.

'_Kakashi-sensei, forgive me for what I must do'._ Drawing Sakura further down the corridor, he steeled himself and spoke.

"Naruto. Now!"

There was a grunt as the orange gang took up the strain, then a moment of silence. After several seconds, just as Sasuke was about to speak, there was a faint twang, then a groaning shriek of tortured metal as the sixty-centimetre thick disk of steel was torn from its moorings.

"Well, are you gonna get the library or not, teme?"

Shaking off the state of shock (and feeling slightly chagrined at being told off by the dobe) he nudged Sakura into motion and the two made a beeline for the scrolls, still intact and unopened, attached to Naruto's pack.

It was then that Sakura, all unknowing of the risks of such a statement, made a great mistake.

"Shouldn't the alarms have gone off by now?"

The Naruto gang and Sasuke had just enough time to groan as claxons began shrieking.

Bolting for the exit (two clones conscientiously wedging the vault door back into place), Naruto deployed his doppelgangers as an advance guard, glaring at his pink-haired team mate all the while.

"Thanks a lot Sakura! Just had to tempt fate, huh?"

"The dobe's right for once. You should know better than that!"

"I'm sorry, alright?! It just slipped out!"

"Just head for the exit guys! I'll follow with the "Diversion"!"

Clearly hearing the inverted commas around the word "Diversion", pink and black looked at each other, looked at the slightly unnerving grin on the blond's face, looked back at each other and wordlessly accelerated.

Watching his team mates as they reached the top of the stairs, Naruto's grin broadened. Finally, a chance to cut loose!

"_**Distraction no Jutsu!"**_

* * *

"Let me guess Naruto. Your "Distraction no Jutsu" involved massive property damage, yes?"

"Um…not _directly_, Baa-chan."

"Ok," she sighed. "In the interests of staving off a headache, we'll go back to Kakashi for the moment."

There was a moment of silence, broken after a few seconds by a familiar giggle.

'_Huh,'_ thought Naruto. _'Baa-chan's Angry Face is a lot less scary when it's not aimed at me.'_

"Kakashi", growled Tsunade, a large vein reappearing on her forehead. "You have until I stop speaking to put that book away before I introduce it to your internal organs in a non-surgical fashion, clear?"

With an embarrassed cough, Kakashi stowed his book and put his game face (well, game eye) back on.

"Er, well, in truth there's not a lot more to tell, Hokage-sama. I had made my way to the castle's guardhouse in the interests of sowing some mayhem and slowing pursuit by means of strategically-placed exploding tags. I had deliberately avoided concealing my presence, a tactic born out as I was leaving…"

* * *

"So, you managed to follow me, Hatake-san. Clearly I need to work on my stealth."

"Don't feel too bad, Shinobi-san", said Kakashi with a smile as he took in the black-clad figure. "You just fell prey to one of the classic blunders."

""Never get involved in a land war in Stone Country"?"

"No, no, the other one. "Never go up against a Konoha shinobi when a mission is on the line"."

"Oh, I see."

An awkward pause ensued for a few moments.

"Shall we fight now?"

"Yes, I think that would be best."

The two subtly readied themselves. A sharingan was revealed, ninja wire was unspooled.

'_Let's see,'_ thought Kakashi. _'We've done the Threatening Pose, the Civilised Banter. What am I forgetting?'_

"Come, Sharingan Kakashi! Show me your skills!"

'_Ah! How could I forget Chat as you Fight? How embarrassing!'_

* * *

"'Chat as you Fight'?"

"Fights between shinobi have a certain structure that must be followed, Naruto", replied Kakashi in his lecturing tone. "You start with either Threatening or Civilised Banter, then take up a Threatening Pose-"

"Like Zabuza appearing on his sword?" asked Sakura, fascinated in spite of herself.

"Yes, that is a good example. To continue, after the Threatening Pose you move on to Chatting as you Fight, in which you attempt to psych out your opponent with witty insults and cool one-liners."

"So what comes after that, Kakashi-sensei?" asked the orange blond, eyes sparkling with enthusiasm.

'_Why is he never this excited about team training?'_ pondered the jounin. Detecting with his keenly-trained senses the distinctive sound of grinding teeth coming from the visibly-irritated Tsunade, he decided to summarise.

"The final part is the Cool Finishing Line, Naruto. Sadly, we didn't get to that…"

* * *

Dodging a crackling strand of wire and countering with a trio of tag-tipped kunai, Kakashi followed the parallel conversation with half a mind, the majority of his attention occupied with planning the Cool Finishing Line.

"Not bad, Hatake-san. Your reputation is clearly well deserved."

"You're quite good as well. Would you mind telling me your name, though? Calling you "Shinobi-san" seems a little rude."

"Unfortunately," replied the figure, now fairly crackling with stored lightning, "I have sworn only to reveal my name to the one who defeats me."

'_Damn!'_ thought Kakashi as he leaped onto a nearby roof to avoid a trio of glowing shuriken. _"Secret Identity plus a Conditional Oath! That puts her ahead in Cool Points.'_

"Well then, I'll just have to take that as incentive to win, ne?"

There was a moment of stillness as the combatants paused, each taking stock of the other.

"Are you coming on to me, Hatake-san?"

Years of ANBU training and sheer mental discipline allowed Kakashi to resist the urge to face-fault, but it was a near thing.

"Out of curiosity, Hatake-san," continued the shinobi after a further moment, "Who is the orange-wearing genin on your team?"

Kakashi blinked. "May I ask why you want to know?" he asked, subtly positioning himself and filling his hand with another kunai.

"He was able to break my wires bare-handed and clearly has considerable chakra reserves, to create so many shadow clones. No doubt the core of your team."

The sheer absurdity of the statement caused Kakashi to fight off another face-fault.

* * *

"Hey!"

"Quiet, Naruto."

* * *

"Um, yeah. Yeah, he's the core of the team. Yeah."

Shaking himself, Kakashi collected his wits.

"I might tell you, but-"

-Rumble-

"-But unfortunately for-"

-**Rumble**-

Kakashi felt a sinking in his gut as he realised the direction from which the ever-louder rumbling was coming. Nevertheless, he bravely continued.

"-Unfortunately for you-

**-CRASH-**

"-you are about to be trampled by a mob of super-strong Naruto-clones," he sighed. Some days he wondered why he even bothered. Homing in on the chakra signatures of his students, he headed for the rendezvous point.

* * *

"So, to sum up, Naruto's 'Distraction' consisted of several hundred shadow clones, each sharing both his strength and shaky control, running amok through a minor noble's castle?"

Kakashi nodded, inwardly wincing.

"Yes, Hokage-sama."

"You were aware of both Naruto's strength and lack of control when you gave him free rein as to the form of his 'Distraction'?"

"Yes, Hokage-sama."

"And some of said clones trampled this shinobi-"

"Kuroyama Kyoko."

"What?"

"Her name is Kuroyama Kyoko, Baa-chan."

Naruto, suddenly the focus of a quartet of blank stares, shifted uncomfortably.

"…and just how did you find that out, Naruto?" asked Tsunade in the tone of one unsure as to whether they would like the answer or not.

"Well, I was heading for the rendezvous point…"

* * *

"Aah!" sighed the blond as he followed the traces of his team mates away from the scene of the Distraction. _'I feel better now,' _he thought. Finally, being free of the need to be careful, to walk on eggshells. To finally not have to worry about breaking things-!

Such was his glee that he completely failed to notice the dark figure until it dropped to the ground in his path.

Stumbling to a halt, the blond instinctively took up the first stance of Silent River and stared warily at the silent shinobi.

"Peace," she said, presenting her empty hands. "I and my partner were required only to retrieve the library and bring it here, no more. We two have no quarrel now."

Naruto relaced a little. Surprisingly for some, the blond had a fairly good sense of body language. Lightning lady was in a relaxed stance, weight on her heels, with her hands away from her body and fingers spread. In ninja terms, this was the most harmless visage one could present while still conscious. On the whole, Naruto was inclined to accept her claims.

Not that _he_ was going to relax too much, mind!

"Ok, you aren't here to kill me. Cool. So why _are_ you here?"

"To ask for your name, and to give you mine."

"Eh?" _'That's…not really what I was expecting.'_

"You defeated me through your shadow clones, meaning I can tell you my name and keep my honour intact. I ask that you tell me yours in return, however."

'_This…is a little weird,'_ thought Naruto. May as well go the whole hog, though.

"Um, Ok. I'm Uzumaki Naruto, Future Hokage of Konohagakure. Remember it!"

"And I am Kuroyama Kyoko. An interesting goal, Uzumaki-san. I have a feeling you will be successful."

Somehow, Naruto could sense the smile beneath the kunoichi's mask and gave his famous fox-grin in return. Even his enemies were recognising his greatness! Cool!

The sound of falling roof tiles and masonry broke the moment and Kyoko took a pace back. "Unfortunately, I must be going now. Look me up when next you come to the capital. I'll be following your career with great interest."

"Um, yeah, you too."

A chuckle was his only answer as the kunoichi faded from view. A moment later and Naruto was alone.

"Oh yes, one more thing-"

"Waah!"

"-You should learn about wire use, Uzumaki-san. It can be very useful. Ok, goodbye!"

Trying to quiet the startled thundering of his heart, Naruto nonetheless clambered back to his feet and once more set off for the meeting point.

'_I have _got_ to learn that vanishing trick.'_

* * *

"-and then the castle fell down."

The sound Tsunade made at that was difficult to identify, coming midway between an exasperated sigh and a groan.

"Ok! Great! Naruto has a civilised chat with an enemy kunoichi. Par for the course! Graaa!"

Team Seven, along with Shizune, took a slow step back as their exasperated Hokage struggled to control herself.

"Alright," she said with a long-suffering sigh. "Did anything else happen? Earthquake? Forest fire? Meteorite shower?! _Giant Space monkeys?!_"

"Um, no. Just an easy run back to Konoha. The cargo is in the library vaults right now."

A gut-wrenching sigh was the Hokage's response.

"Ok. Because of this C-Rank, Naruto now has a restraining order in place against him, thirty hectares of forest and one castle have been laid waste, a potential diplomatic nightmare may have arisen and a potentially hostile private ninja knows Naruto's name, appearance and village."

The blond brawler paused, drawing a deep breath.

"It is only the fact that these events could not reasonably be anticipated or predicted, along with the fact that you retrieved the cargo, that I am not suspending all of you indefinitely. As it is," her voice firmed, her eyes fairly blazing with resolve, "In the interests of public safety, the security of Konoha and my continued sanity, I am making the following decrees: first, Naruto. You are now assigned to a minimum of one month's intensive control training with Team Gai."

Kakashi's eye widened in sympathy, knowing exactly what Gai would view as "Intensive".

'_Rest in peace, Naruto.'_

"Second," Tsunade continued, unaware of Kakashi's inner horror. "Team Seven is, as of this moment, banned from all further C-Rank missions-"

"YES!" Naruto was tackled to the ground in mid-glomp, his paean of thanks not fading or slowing in the least for the three bodies weighing him down.

"Thank you thank you thank you! Yes! No more C-Ranks! Nice, safe, B's and A's! Yatta!"

'_There's something very wrong with this kid,_' was a thought unknowingly shared by the adults present as the blond gently shook off the restraining bodies and climbed back to his feet.

Visibly restraining his emotions, the spiky demon-container fumbled in his belt pouch for a moment before gingerly retrieving a small sealing scroll. Gently placing it on the now somewhat confused Hokage's desk, he gave her an embarrassed smile.

"Um, I was saving this for your birthday, baa-chan, but since you've saved me from a painful, stabby fate, I figure I'll give it to you now. Open it later, ok?"

Grinning broadly at Tsunade's slightly bewildered nod (and causing Shizune to once again struggle against her "Squee/Glomp" instincts), Naruto stepped back in line with his team mates.

'_Cursed anticipation!'_ growled the blond Hokage mentally. _'Ok, let's speed up the report so I can unseal this!'_

"Alright," she said, her tone businesslike once more. "This about fills in all the gaps left in your initial 'report'. Team Seven is on mission leave for one month, minimum, or as long as Naruto's supplementary training lasts. Individual and d-rank missions will be available after one week. Dismissed! Oh, hold on a moment, Naruto!"

Headed for the door, the blond in question turned, only to neatly field what he noted to be a Bingo Book. Looking up, he cast a confused look at his Hokage.

"It seems your 'Distraction' attracted a little notice, Naruto. That was sent in by an agent in Hidden Stone." A grim chuckle escaped her at the look of dawning comprehension on her surrogate little brother's face. "You might want to check page thirty-two."

Struggling to keep a straight face, she cackled inwardly at the sound of flipping pages.

'_Come on Naruto, read the list of nicknames. Read the nicknames…'_

All across Konoha, dogs howled, cats hissed and birds blasted into the air. People stood frozen in shock as the shriek of outrage echoed throughout the village.

" 'KONOHA'S WRECKING BALL'?!?"

* * *

**Author's Comments:**  
Well, at long last, chapter 5! i'm sure you're all tired of reading my "Sorry for not updating earlier, grovel grovel" rants, so i'll just say that i'm updating as fast as i can, and know that i will not stop writing until these stories are finished.

i wasn't really expecting this chapter to go on for as long as it did, but i suppose the narrative took on a life of it's own. That, and i felt like writing a 'Flashback Tale' and got carried away. Bonus Cool Points for those who get all the 'subtle' pop culture references.

so, please give me some feedback. too long? too much dialogue? should i cut back on the 'the Reader deserves an explanation' parts? let me know.

and now,  
**Reviews:**

Zaion Indulias: Thanks, i will.

wiseman: Thanks. I hope i captured his character well. Naruto strikes me as a fellow who can be pretty content with reasonably little. Ramen, encouragement, a little affection...

Akitesyu: Yeah, i'm a fan of non-standard pairings. it's one of my anime pet peeves that the main character in this situation is generally paired with and pursues the most antagonistic of the choices. Ranma and Akane, Naruto and Sakura...  
The Akatsuki thing? i have an idea for a one-shot in 'Tales of Oops!', but in the main story? maybe.  
Tsunade? well, there..._may_ be some Hokage shenanigans in future *dodges pistol-whipping*. wait and see!

Akira Stridder: Thanks mate! they're good antagonists, ne?

Thyrokio2: Thanks!

Horific Albel Nox: Umm...Er...Ok, you got me. the answer is, yes, he's heavier than normal (heavy enough to mess up his tree-climbing), but not _that_ heavy. Faster reflexes, too, though i hadn't really thought on just how much faster. thanks for pointing it out, mate.

michael68: A good point indeed. no, Kyuubi had done the "Get bigger, gaki" bit prior to the sneeze of doom. He's topping out at around 175-180 cm, at least in my imagination, with everything in proportion.  
Sorry to dissapoint, Tenten.

vaward: Huh, that's an idea. i can see Kyuubi messing with things just as a joke. Hmm. Don't worry, Shizune will continue to make appearances.  
Incidentally, i had no idea how popular Stoned, Mellow Neji was. i think i will have to keep him around, indeed. hmm...

1Batman4u: Naruto doesn't rip through his clothes for the same reason the Hulk doesn't tear out of his pants: Because unless there is comedic potential, i see no reason for him to do so. Or his clothes are just really strong. yeah, go with that.  
Maybe in "Tales" for the catchphrase, but i don't think i'd work in the main story. good line, though.  
Actually, Naruto can bite through fragile things, like chopsticks and the like, and crushes bowls. as good an idea as yours is, he's not going to become a metal-muncher anytime soon, sorry.

KunochiDreamer : Thanks.

Winged Sage Falcos: Yeah, i like Hinata too, but there's something about a cute woman with a multiture of instruments of stabby doom that just works.

drvash: Well, as i said, Naruto's heavier, but not _that_ heavy. good ideas, though, and they do parallell some notions of my own, but nah, sorry.  
I do like the camping out idea, though...  
Hinata, sadly, will likely not be appearing for a while. not that i have anything against her, but i'm keeping the potential contestants down to two, at the moment.

totaltheTERRIER: thanks

helovestowrite: Indeed! A most Youthful mode of communication it is!  
i have a feeling i may have created a monster with this "YouthSpeak" thing...

Firehedgehog: Glad you liked it.

green ninja93: Many thanks.

Officer Dibble: Fear the Twinkle...

Orochigin: Glad you liked it. I'll try to get a few more Youthspeak moments in future updates.

AiSard: wow, who knew that little scene would be that popular? thanks!

imgonnadie: No worries, i don't plan to stop any time soon.

wuming: thanks!

Nosferatum: the timeframe is by necessity vague. after the chuunin exams, before Sasuke's defection. i'm working on the assumption that the Mission to Snow/Spring happened in this time as well.

KnightStriker: Thanks.

Momma Lici: Thanks. as you can see, i am still updating. slow and steady, slow and steady...

DustBunnyQueen: An interesting simile, that. apt, though. as for the quick updates, sorry.

Love Psycho: thanks! yeah, that was my reasoning behind the story as well. the funny came as a pleasant coincidence. Hinata? not for a little while yet, sadly. gomen.

MoonKaiser: Well, many thanks indeed! it warms my shrivelled little heart to hear such words. thanks!  
It's not really Neji-bashing per se, it's just that he makes a good foil for the Naruto Chaos Effect. Sasuke, Sakura and Kakashi, on the other hand...

hentai18ancilla: Thank you for the eloquent and voluminous review! just what i like to recieve. That being said, i'm a little at loss as to how to respond. I'm vaguely intending to use the Ranma story as the tried and true narrative form and the "Oops!" as the testing ground for different ideas (it's one-shot-episode format lending itself more to the use, IMHO).  
And don't worry, i don't intend to keep Naruto ignorant. just innocent. hehehe...

Hikari Kaiya: Thank you very much!

Zip0: Thanks. As for the pairing, wait and see...

VessaMorana: Thanks. yeah, i have the notion to bring in Hinata, but not for a while. and yes, i think our favourite broody Hyuuga may indeed have a wee crush. wait and see.

Shadewolf7: Thanks.

kd8gun: it's all in relating to the material.

Lord Sia: Oh, i like those ideas. potential! i'll be addressing a few of them in the next chapter, never fear.  
Haven't heard of Powerfullish, though it does indeed sound like a relative of Youthspeak.

Insanity Lord: thanks very much! Well, i've updated. sorry about the "Soon" part.

blabla1994: Indeed! indeed...

Eternal Darkness13: Thanks.

animeangel2439: It just works, doesn't it? Neji is such fun to tease!

Da-Deranged-Dude: Not..._quite_ how i'd have put it, but close enough, i suppose ;) Thanks!

HikariNoTenshi-San: Naruto's new look? think Kenshin's hair but in blond. As for cutting it, i suspect that with Kyuubi's attitude (justified, in my opinion), Naruto'd wake up the next morning to find it all back. with a mustache as payback.

Slvr0107: Hehe. Thanks for the kind words, and sorry about the updates. Real Life is a _mongrel_ when it comes to writing time.

IliketoDaydream: Thank you very much indeed! it's very gratifying to have someone say that about my works. I'm glad you enjoyed it!

Phew! Well, that's the chapter up and the reviews addressed. thanks to everyone who reviewed, they make my day brighter.  
With a bit of luck (and the odd offering to the FSM), the next chapter should be up a little sooner than later.

On that note:

Well, looks like Shizune's pulled ahead with the Ramen Scroll! But, oh! Tenten makes her move!

Needles, Chains, Pointy things and one really big club! all in

**"Oops! Chapter 6: Forging some Romance!"**

Stay tuned.


	6. Chapter 6: Forging some Romance

Nope, still don't own Naruto.

'_Thinking'_

"**Kyuubi speaking"**

-Sound Effect-

'_**Jutsu'**_

Story now!

* * *

"We should get you a weapon, Naruto-kun."

Said blond looked up from his lunch (onigiri and pickles, thoughtfully supplied by an oddly-smug Shizune, in spite of his protests that it wasn't necessary) with a quizzical expression.

"Why's that, Ten-chan? I've still got a lot of kunai and shuriken."

"Kunai are all well and good as missile weapons and as a general tool," she replied in a lecturing tone, "but they don't take proper advantage of your strength and speed. Besides, there's nothing nicer than having a special weapon of your very own."

"This is true, Naruto-kun," added Gai from his seat against a nearby tree. "The right tool can allow your Youthful Flames to flare even brighter."

"Really? Huh. What weapon do you use, Gai-sensei?"

"I prefer to use Goken in combat, as you know." The Great Green Beast replied. "But when facing extremely Unyouthful foes I will make use of nunchaku."

"Anyway," said Tenten, briskly drawing the conversation back. "We need to get you a weapon, and you still haven't been by to visit the shop like you promised. In fact…" she trailed off as she glanced sharply at the blond, ignoring the suddenly pale faces of her team-mates.

"…yes. Yes, I think it's time."

"Time for what, Ten-chan?"

"**Twinkle Senses tingling!"**

The bun-haired girl's grin had a slightly manic quality as she replied.

"Time for another of Higurashi Tenten-sensei's Amazing Ninja Makeovers!"

"Yosh! Neji, Lee, let us enjoy a Youthful race around Konoha, my cute students!"  
"Yes, a jog to aid our Youthful Digestion! Come, Neji-kun, let us go! Now!"

"…What was that all about?" wondered Shizune as the trio of dust-trails gently drifted in the breeze.

Tenten shrugged. "Not sure. They've been like that ever since I tried to set Lee up with a pair of cesta. Honestly, it's not as though his eyebrows didn't grow back, after all."

"**She's scaring me, Gaki."**

'_Suck it up, tail-boy.'_

"-Anyway," Tenten shook off her reverie and fixed the blond with a bright smile. "Let's go and get you sorted out!"

"Well…"

'_Ok Tenten, time to sweeten the deal.'_

"Tell you what, Naruto-kun. If you don't like the results of the makeover, I won't charge you for the weapon, how's that?"

"mmmm…ok, deal!"

'_Don't worry, Gama-chan. Your belly will bulge yet!'_

As the two headed off for the Higurashi residence (Shizune having reluctantly departed for the Tower with a parting glare for the brunette when Naruto had been distracted), their mood was mixed. Naruto (ignoring the whimpered protests of his tenant) felt a cautious optimism.

Tenten, while outwardly calm, was on the inside engaging in a squealing chibi-dance of glee.

* * *

"So," said Tenten, her professional tone contrasting with the sparkling in her eyes. "Is there any weapon you particularly like?"

Naruto considered. He had resigned himself to the fact that, now that Tenten had gotten her hands on his gear and garb, he would indeed be paying for the weapon.

It transpired that Tenten's parents owned the largest shinobi outfitters in the village, with a correspondingly large selection of merchandise.

As a result, Naruto now found himself the proud owner of a complete set of good quality field equipment, a pack, several spools of high-tensile ninja wire (and an instruction manual on its use. He'd taken Kuroyama-san's advice.) and a newly-updated set of bingo books.

He was a little sad at the loss of his jumpsuit, though, Tenten having declared it "an insult to the ninja profession". Half an hour of frantic activity and much in-and-out motion of dressing rooms later found him clad in a set of dark khaki combat gear in heavy cloth, a tough fabric gear-harness and metal-reinforced tabi boots. The sole concession to his love of orange allowed by the driven young kunoichi was a tight-fitting jacket in vertical tiger stripes which she justified with a cheerful yet thoroughly arcane dissertation on colour, human distance perception and optical illusions.

Naruto was just glad he could keep at least a _little_ of his favourite colour.

Still, the gear was a hell of a lot better than anything he could usually afford. The Team-Mate of Tenten discount helped too.

Yes, on the whole, Naruto was quite satisfied-

"**Me too. It was so embarrassing to have my prison looking like a magnesium flare."**

-and so, as per the deal, he would indeed be paying for the weapon.

"Well," he said finally, "maybe a katana-"

"No swords." Tenten interrupted firmly.

"But-!"

"No. No swords. A sword would be totally unsuited to you.

"It's a matter of tensile strength." She continued, anticipating his question. "A sword does damage by applying force perpendicular to the length of the blade, right? This means that a blade needs to be able to stand up to a lot of stress during an impact. As it is, your strength would either snap the blade with the first hit or tear it from the hilt. No, for you to use a sword successfully would either require years of control training or some way to actually reduce your strength, ignoring the reason for getting you a weapon in the first place."

"But what about a really big, strong sword?" asked the blond after a moment. "Like that Zabuza guy's?"

Tenten once again shook her head.

"No, a zanbatou's no good either. How much do you know about weapon theory, Naruto-kun?"

Silently swearing vengeance on the Academy's teachers at her friend's look of incomprehension, the weapon's mistress began to explain.

"Ok Naruto-kun, it's like this. There are nine basic ways to strike someone with a weapon: straight down, diagonally down from the right and left, horizontally from the right and left, diagonally up from the right and left, straight up and a thrust to the centre. With me so far?"

Encouraged by the whiskered one's fascinated nod, she continued.

"Good. Now, as a general rule, the smaller and lighter the weapon is the more lines of attack are available but the less damage you can inflict. Kunai, wakizashi, jo, all light enough to hit them all. The problem is that the smaller weapons have less reach, requiring you to be closer to the enemy to hit them."

"Is that why ANBU throw kunai but fight with ninjato?"

Tenten nodded, smiling. "Right. The ninjato is a good compromise between range, damage potential and variety of attacks, allowing all nine lines of attack while keeping the opponent at a reasonable distance. Now," her tone became businesslike once more. "As the weapon grows larger, the lower lines become more and more difficult. With any weapon over about two meters in length, the lower lines become for all intents and purposes impossible. Any sword capable of standing up to your strength would, sadly, have to be so large as to rule out anything beyond swinging it overhand like an axe or side-to-side. No technique, no skill, just "Raagh! Naruto smash!" No swords for you."

"Fortunately," she grinned, patting the discouraged youth on a shoulder as she opened the door to the main storeroom and flicked on the lights, "There are more than just swords available."

"Woah," breathed Naruto at the sight of rack upon rack of lethal creativity.

"Yup!" chuckled Tenten. "Now, we have a warehouse to ourselves and a whole day to ourselves in which t look. Let's get you a partner."

* * *

Trial One:

"Mmph!"

"Yeah, I think you're right. That one doesn't really work."

"Mmph! Mmph-mmh!"

"No, don't move, Naruto-kun. give me a moment and I'll get you-"

-Snap!-

"-Out…"

Wincing as steel chain links spanged off the walls, Tenten sighed at the sheepish look the blond was giving her.

"Right. Well, I think we'll steer clear of chain weapons from now on, huh?"

"Yeah, I think you're right, Ten-chan."

Meteor Hammer: Rejected.

* * *

Trial Two:

'So, what do you think?"

Hefting the long work of metallic art thoughtfully, Naruto considered.

"Well, the lines of the blade are nice and I like how the wood tones set off my eyes…"

"**And it has a nice, neo-barbarian appeal…"**

"Well come on then," interjected a visibly-cheerful Tenten, gesturing at a life-sized training dummy. "Try it out!"

Shrugging, the young ninja took up the two-handed high guard the weapons mistress had shown him and swung-

-GrinchwhipwhipwhipCRUNCH-

Blond and Brunette looked in silence from the twisted remains of handle in Naruto's grasp to the two halves of the training dummy and finally to the great crescent blade half embedded in the wall.

"Sooo…no good?"

She nodded. "Too much strength difference between haft and head."

"…huh?"

Tenten sighed. "Haft too thin, head too heavy. No good."

"**Aww…"**

Great-Axe: Rejected.

* * *

Trial Three:

"Hey Ten-chan, how about this one?"  
"Where the hell did you find that?" she asked, staring at the ten-kilo chunk of metal the blond was happily waving around.

"Out the back. It was stacked against a wall next to a big chunk of metal stapled to a stump."

"Stapled to-! Naruto, stay out of my dad's forge! We have an entire warehouse to play in, that should be enough! Besides, that isn't even a weapon."

Faced with a mute 'Puppy-eyes no Jutsu', Tenten sighed.

"Alright, alright, try it out. But only once!" she barked at the blond's look of glee. "And if you break it, you're paying for a replacement, got it?"

Naruto nodded and, with a happy glint in his eye, faced the new dummy and swung.

-Crunchclangwhoosh-

---

Hatake Kakashi was, at last, a happy man. He'd been through a lot of stress in the past few weeks what with Naruto getting injured (which tended to put their Hokage into a punching mood), being hospitalised by said student, and then that awful library mission-!

It would all have been ok, however, if it hadn't been for the fact that the latest shipment of his Precious had been destroyed in a freak training accident.

'_And I just _know_ Naruto was behind that, somehow.'_

But no longer. Now, at long last, he would have his Precious once again! So elated was the jounin as he left the bookshop (already flipping pages) that he completely failed to notice the rapidly-descending lump of metal until it impacted right between his eyes.

'_Perhaps,'_ he thought in the brief moment before unconsciousness claimed him, _'Someone is trying to tell me something?'_

_---_

Gazing thoughtfully at the hole in the roof through which the hammerhead had departed, Naruto turned a guilty look on the quietly fuming Tenten. Awkwardly hiding the splintered handle behind his back, he chuckled nervously.

"Ehehehe. I, um, I guess I'll be paying for that, huh?"

"Yes, Naruto-kun. Yes, you will. Now, we will be restricting ourselves to the actual warehouse from now on, won't we?"

"Yes, Tenten-chan."

"Good!" she chirped, abruptly cheerful. "Well then, let's get back to it. Now, I'm seeing you in something steel, maybe a dual-weapon look to bring out your pectorals…"

"**Did she scare you just then too, Gaki?"**

'_Like a world without ramen, fox.'_

"Naruto-kun!"

"Coming!"

Blacksmith's Maul: Rejected

* * *

Trial Four:

"No."

"But-"

"No. Absolutely not. There are no words in any language for how bad an idea that would be. We are looking for a _melee_ weapon, Naruto-kun. That is a _missile_ weapon. Hell, you can throw kunai further and with more force than that thing."

Naruto cast a startled glance at the apparatus he was manhandling back into the shed.

"Huh. Good point."

Shoving the mess of steel and cable back into place under Tenten's watchful glare, he sighed for what might have been.

'_Would have been cool to fire it at least once, though.'_

"**I know. Stingy bun-girl…"**

Formerly Cart-Mounted Light Siege Ballista: Rejected (firmly)

* * *

Trial Five:

The two shinobi stared in contemplative silence at the weapon rack. They took in the wickedly curved blade. The spiked weight on the four-meter chain. The two-meter shaft and the evilly-glinting butt-spike.

Taken individually, they were threatening, prompting an atavistic shiver. Combined in the one item, though, they were outright alarming, a testament to humanity's sheer, vicious creativity when it came to devising tools of mayhem.

Judging by the quiet whimpering from the back of Naruto's mind, the Fox was impressed as well.

Several minutes passed as the two silently contemplated pros and cons, potential versus drawbacks, property damage balanced against insurance premiums.

"…you know what, let's not try this one."

"Yeah, I think you're right."

"**Good call."**

Dai-Kusarigama: Rejected

* * *

Trial Six:

-Crack!-

"Ahahahahaha!"

Tenten sighed, watching yet another training dummy experience violent bisection, the sound of her friend's cackling laughter filling her ears. This looked like being another rejection, for one very simple reason:

-Crackcrack!-

"Ahahahahahaaa!"

Naruto was having way too much fun with it.

Carefully timing her movements to stay in the whiskered one's blind spot, she paused, waiting for the right moment, before darting forward and quickly snatching the grip from his loosened fingers.

"Hey, gimme!"

Calmly coiling the length of braided wire (and thanking her lucky stars for her growing resistance to the Eyes), she strode to a nearby rack of shelves, atop which she deposited the weapon.

"Ten-chaaaaaan…" whimpered Naruto, gazing at the shelf with watery eyes and quivering lip.

"No, Naruto-kun." the bun-headed girl replied in a firm tone, gesturing at the fresh gouges in the walls and fragmented dummies. "You may play with the Viper's Tongue when you are prepared to be responsible."

"Awwww."/** "Awwww."**

Grudgingly following his friend, the blond cast one final yearning look at the Shelf before sullenly heading into the pole-arms section, quiet grumbling echoing in his head.

"**Hmph. Bet Shukaku or Nibi get to play with cool weapons of doom whenever they want. Stupid lack of corporeal form…"**

Braided Ninja-Wire Bullwhip: Rejected (pending good behaviour)

* * *

Trial Seven:

-Crunch-

Tenten sighed as Naruto sheepishly dropped the fragments of timber to the floor.

It was so frustrating! A spear, particularly one with a good broad blade, would in theory be lethal in the blond's hands, combining range, potential lines of attack and a devastating thrust.

If only Naruto would stop squeezing through the haft!

Wandering through the racks as her friend set to salvaging spearheads and quarterstaff ferrules and brushing timber fragments into the kindling pile, she mentally ran through options.

'_Ok, spear's out. Naginata, out. Halberd, Bill Hook, Lochaber... any striking weapon, anything with a thin shaft…that limits things.'_

Muttering as she walked, the frown on her face growing steadily sharper, she was on the verge of rejecting pole-arms entirely when a flash of crimson caught her eye.

'_Hmm…'_

_---_

Naruto nervously adjusted his grip on the iron shaft and glanced at Tenten, who cast him a reassuring smile.

"It's ok, Naruto-kun. Just do the kata I showed you."

"…Ok Ten-chan." agreed the blond, hesitantly making a passing step forward and bringing the great shovel-head around in a sweeping arc.

Tenten smiled as her friend's movements grew more and more confident, shovel-head and crescent blade whirling around in a dance of potential destruction. Faster and faster the blond shifted through the steps, the staff of the weapon audibly humming in the air. Maybe this was the one-

-Grnch!-

"Ehehehe…whoops."

Tenten felt her eyebrow begin to twitch as she took in the half-circle of twisted metal that had formerly been a pole-arm, causing her over-powered friend to gulp at the slight prickle of killing intent filling the air and surreptitiously note possible escape routs.

"Um… sorry, Ten-chan. I got excited, and I guess I gripped it too hard and…um…"

"It's ok, Naruto-kun." replied Tenten with a long-suffering sigh. "It was a long shot anyway."

"…Sooo…" said the whiskered one after a few moments of silence. "Want me to straighten it again?"

"Would you, please?"

Monk's Spade (and other assorted pole-arms): Rejected.

* * *

"**I'm bored."**

'_Shut up.'_

"**Really bored."**

'_Shut up, Fuzzy!'_

"**Bored, bored, bored…"**

'_Shut up or I'm asking Gai-Sensei about Youth and Hard Work.'_

"**Fine, fine, I'll be quiet! No need to get nasty, Gaki."**

On the whole, Naruto was quite glad Tenten had elected to work off some stress at the kunai range and left him to wander through the warehouse, his tenant making it more and more challenging to maintain his temper.

"**I don't know why we're still back here, kit. You know we could get the Whip down from there."**

'_Ten-chan said no. Do you really wanna get her angry with us?'_

"**Well, no, but…the Whip!"**

Truth be told, Naruto could sympathise with the Giant Rug-

"**Oi!"**

-The Whip was cool, all braided and wiry, with the –hiss- and the -whCrack!- and…

Still, Ten-chan knew stuff about weapons. If she said no, there was probably a good reason.

It was a very high shelf, too.

"**You know," **continued the fox as Naruto wandered toward the back of the warehouse, **"you could always…**_**persuade**_** the bun-girl. Some puppy-eyes, a smile, some nibbling…"**

'"_Gai-sensei, please share your Youthful teachings on Hard Work with your Youthful student!"'_

"**Alright, alright, you've made your point."**

As the booming mental voice faded into sullen grumbling (in which the words "prude", "Brat" and "Whip" featured prominently), Naruto sighed. In truth, he was beginning to get a little discouraged. Even after a day's looking under the guidance of Konoha's premiere weapons mistress, they hadn't found anything.

"**We found the Whip."** Interjected a certain oversized chicken thief in a sullen tone.

'_Will you shut up about the Whip already?'_ snapped the blond, temper finally worn through. _'Yeah, I liked it too, but Ten-chan said no Whip, so no Whip! Besides,'_ he continued, _'we could still find something.'_

"**Yeah, right. Like anything cold be as cool as the Whip."**

'…_how about that?'_ replied Naruto, gaze fixed on a nearby weapons rack.

"…**I stand corrected."**

* * *

Yanking the last kunai from the target with perhaps a _tad_ more force than truly necessary, Tenten slumped down onto the ground with a growl.

It was so _frustrating_! She'd never had this much trouble setting someone up before! Even Lee had required only a few hours to hook up, even if he did only use the cestae on rare occasions.

And then there was Naruto. Nine hours, eight trials and countless outright rejections later and he _still_ hadn't met his perfect partner!

No, this could not continue! Her reputation as a Metallurgical Matchmaker was at stake!

If the Gentle Reader has perhaps been wondering how Tenten managed to reconcile being both a weapons mistress _and_ a romantic, let them wonder no more.

'_Ok,'_ she thought. _'Let's review. It needs to be strong enough to stand up to a strike, long enough to extend his range but not so long that it reduces his attack potential. It should be easily carried, not too complex in form, and ideally be all of one material, with no weak spots. So basically, it should be-'_

"Hey, Ten-chan, check this out!"

'_-that.'_

Oak it was, nearly two meters of dark, fire-hardened oak. Castle gates would be made of such oak, and verily, the ranks of attackers would break upon them as a wave upon a cliff. And lo, the oak did lay sheathed all around with steel, blued dark and gleaming.

At one end did lay a ring, that the wielder might hold it firm in the grasp as Mayhem was dispensed. At the other, a spike, shining dully, whispering its promise of pain.

"Behold!" they sang. "We are Wrath! We are Destruction! Through us are enemies vanquished! Obstacles crushed! Property values lowered!

For Behold! We are all that is Bad Arse!"

Naruto took a cautious step back at the adoring look now worn by his friend, noting with trepidation the way her gaze refused to shift from the weapon.

"**Gah! So…much…twinkling…!"**

"W-where did you find that, Naruto-kun?" stuttered Tenten, forcibly shaking off her fortunately brief bout of Glittery Weapon-Mania.

"Right down the back of the warehouse, behind where the big crossbow-thingy was." The boy replied. "It looks like it'd been there a while, though. Dust everywhere."

"Wow. This…this could be perfect! Good reach, good size, suitable for two and-"

She cut off momentarily as the blond began twirling the black length of wood, steel and Awesome around like an oversized baton.

"-one-handed grip. You can obviously lift it ok, so there's really only one thing left to do."

"…Test it?"

"Test it! To the training ground!"

"Wait!"

Tenten paused in her forceful stride to the door at her friend's shout.

"One thing before we go, Ten-chan." he said, face uncharacteristically serious.

"What's that, Naruto-kun?"

"…what is this, anyway?"

* * *

The tetsubo, Tenten explained on their way to a safely-distant training ground (having recovered from her face-fault with admirable speed), or Oni-Club, was a relatively ancient weapon used mainly in large-scale battles against cavalry. Its great weight and size allowed for tremendous force in its strikes, crippling or outright killing even moderately-armoured foes in a single hit. Like the lance, the pike and (for that matter), the Light Cart-Mounted Siege Crossbow, the tetsubo was a specialised weapon, intended for use against a specific foe. Against a horse, against a tough, slow target, against a structure, the tetsubo was the Angry Fist of Kami. Against anything smaller and more nimble than a man on horseback, though, it was at best a dangerous annoyance.

"-or at least, for anyone other than you, Naruto-kun. Most people don't have the strength to swing it fast enough to be a real threat. The way you've been twirling it around, though…"

A slightly crazed smile (that Naruto had mentally labelled the "Squee! Weapons!" look) appeared on her face.

"…I don't think you're going to have a problem at all. Now," she gestured at one of the ubiquitous training logs with a grin, "let's try out a one-handed descending strike."

Naruto was, by now, quite leery about swinging _anything_ with force, but Ten-chan looked pretty happy, so…

With a mental shrug, he brought the Iron-Bound Awesome up, over and, stepping with his right foot, _down-_

-Crunch-

"Ok," said Tenten, taking in the scene. "Test One results: Training log is split in half and embedded an estimated meter into the ground. How's the club?"

Inspecting the Implement of Crushy Doom and (to his delighted surprise) finding it to be virtually pristine, the sunny youth favoured his friend with a relieved grin and a thumbs-up.

"Great! Ok, now for the two-hand grip. Try a flat strike from the right with a passing step."

"Yosh!"

Flush with success and swept up in Tenten's infectious enthusiasm, the blond shinobi wound, stepped, swung and followed through.

-SMACKwhipwhipwhip…-

As the two ninja stared in pleased awe at the twinkle that marked the now-aerial training post, a companionable silence fell. Until a thought made itself known.

"Um, Ten-chan, isn't Konoha in that direction?"

Momentarily worried, Tenten frantically visualised their surroundings before sighing in relief.

"Yeah, but just the outskirts. I'm pretty sure there's nothing much there, just a few stores and warehouses is all."

"So the log won't hit anything important, then. Lucky!"

---

Clearly, thought Kakashi as he adjusted the icepack under his hitai-ate, this was not his day. First, he had been hit by a ballistic hammer-head falling from the sky. Then, his newest Icha-Icha had been trampled to a pulp by Gai and Lee (and, now that he came to think of it, Neji. Odd…) as they passed in yet another Youthful, make-you-wish-for-death training exercise.

The icing on the cake, however, had been the revelation that, in the hour of so it took him to wake up and get treated, his usual store had utterly sold out of his Precious.

If _that_ wasn't a sign that the very Kami themselves were against him, he didn't know what was. Clearly, careful measures needed to be taken. Avoid his students, first and foremost. Can't risk jinxing them too, after all.

Next, avoid the most frequented and well-populated areas. Like, oh, pick an example, the Mission Room. It'd probably get struck by lightning or something, otherwise.

Good call there.

Last, avoid all the usual sources of his Precious, neatly ruling out all three of Konoha's main bookshops.

Stalking toward the dilapidated, weather-beaten old building, its faded sign simply reading "Books", Kakashi drew a breath. Ok, this was just a basic retrieval mission, that's all. In and out with the Precious. Easy. He was former ANBU after all. Nothing could go…wrong…

Hearing the steadily-approaching whistling, the scarecrow's heart sank. Breathing a resigned sigh even as he positioned himself to avoid the worst of the debris, Kakashi silently vowed a worthy revenge on the source of his misfortunes.

Then the log hit, and everything went dark.

---

"Anyway," continued Tenten, "I think we've found a good partner for you. What do you think?"

Naruto considered briefly.

"Well, it _is_ the only weapon that hasn't broken-"

"**Except for the Whip."**

"-except for the Whip, so that's definitely a point in the 'plus' column. And I'm betting most people will expect it to be slow, so there's the surprise factor too…"

'_Whadda you think, Fox?'_

"**I say go for it. The perfect artistic blend of brutality and finesse, form and function. Combative art at it's most pure."**

'_Er…'_

"**Plus, it's Badarse. Can't go wrong with something Badarse."**

'_Had me worried there for a moment, Fox. Let's do it.'_

Tenten, who had been watching Naruto with mounting concern as the moments passed in silence, blinked in mild surprise as the blond flashed into an abruptly-brilliant smile.

"So, come to a decision then?" she asked with a grin.

"Yep!" smiled the sunny youth. "This iron Oni-Club thingy-"

"Tetsubo."

"-tetsubo, right, well, it's awesome and badarse and doesn't break in half or get pinched through or get twisted into a knot, and it's almost as cool as the Whip…"

Tenten smiled as Naruto trailed off, his tone suddenly wheedling.

"No Whip for you, Naruto-kun. Maybe when you're older."

"**Stingy…"**

Ignoring the grumbles from his subconscious, the young man gave the club an idle twirl or two as he mustered his thoughts.

"It's pretty distinctive, too. You remember someone who uses a giant club."

"So, does this mean you'll take it, then?" chirped Tenten, eyes sparkling.

"Yup! It's too cool not to."

"Yatta!" exclaimed the young weapons mistress as she assumed a victory pose with the peace sign. "Another success for Weapon Matchmaker Tenten-Sensei! Ahahahahaha!"

It was a tribute to how desensitising time spent with Team Gai could be that Naruto felt only a slight trepidation at the sight of the now maniacally cackling Tenten. Slinging the Black Club of Awesome Crushy Doom lazily over a shoulder, he coughed slightly, causing the laughter to cut off abruptly as a blushing Tenten struggled to regain her composure.

"Ahem. Ah, yes, Naruto-kun. Right. Let's head back to the shop so you can pay and I'll dig out a carry harness for your new partner."

"I'll need a manual on how to use it, too." added the blond as an afterthought.

"Oh, that's not a problem." Replied Tenten, her tone altogether too casual. "I can show you, if you like."

"It's no problem?"

"No, not at all. Team Gai _did_ get assigned to help you train, after all." Her tone was, by now, sweet enough to almost require a shot of insulin. "That is, unless you'd prefer to train with someone else…"

"No no no! That'd be great, Ten-chan, I'd love to train with you!"

Inner Tenten was in full chibi-dance by now.

"Well, ok then. I'll bring some equipment along to tomorrow's training and we'll cover the basics then. This is going to be so fun!"

'_Ku ku ku. Take _that_, Shizune-san!'_

A comfortable silence fell as the two smiling teens ambled through the trees, each occupied with their thoughts (Naruto with a fantasy involving a protection mission, madly fleeing bandits and the phrase "Say hello to my little friend!", Tenten with an image of snuggling with Naruto in the middle of a recently-decimated training ground, a sulking Shizune tied to a nearby tree).

"Ano, Naruto-kun?"

"Yeah?"

"You know, the tetsubo isn't really going to help with that whole "Konoha's Wreaking Ball" nickname."

"…crap."

A moment passed.

"Maybe the Whip-"

"No Whip for you."

"Aww…please?"

"No."

"But-"

"Nope."

"Ten-chaaaaaan…"

"Don't make me stab you, Naruto-kun."

"Meanie."

* * *

**Author's Comments:**

Ok, i've said it in my other main story, and i'm going to say it again: I'm sorry for the long delay. Really sorry. i don't want to re-iterate all my whining about Real Life and the like, so i'll just say that i'll try to have the next installment up sooner.  
I enjoyed writing this quite a bit. The thing with the Lines of Attack comes largely from the European Martial Arts i've studied the basics of, combined with a scene from Rurouni Kenshin where Hiko Seijiro XIII is explaining the Kuzuu Ryu Sen. Speaking as someone who has used long weapons, i can attest to the part about the reduction in potential attacks. Trying to hit someone in the cods with a long staff without digging the end into the ground is more than a little frustrating.  
I don't just make this stuff up, people!

The next chapter will be a slight departure from the trend. It's about time to see how Naruto's new status has affected those around him, i think.

Now, ordinarily, this would be where i would answer all my reviews individually. sadly, Smylingsnake no Baka here has left things too long and got damn near a hundred, if not more. this being the case, i'll have to thank you collectively and try to address the more common concerns and questions here. Please be assured, folks, i dearly love recieving reviews, even just a "this is good, lol" one. reviews make the Snake smile.  
I'll try to do better from here on.

A lot of people seemed to like Naruto's religious beliefs. i like to think i gave a decent rationale in the text for why those gods in particular, and the notion of Naruto being the follower of the FSM has in turn provided some good ideas for Tales of Oops! as well. the Pig Latin thing arose from me wanting Naruto to be chanting something incomprehensible to his teammates and yet understandable for the reader. i think it worked ok, but a few readers have expressed doubts. oh well.

Ok, the Princess Bride references. Yes, i like the film (and the book, for that matter), and with my propensity for obscure quotes and mini-crossover jabs, there was really no way i could resist. If Spaghetti-sama didn't want us to quote the film, he shouldn't have made it so quotable.

It seems a lot of people like Naruto's new nickname. I had a surprisingly hard time coming up with that. i wanted to steer clear from naming him after natural disasters (Vash, anyone?), colours (you know he's been the Orange Anything more times than you can imagine) or hair colour which rather narrowed the field. still, it tied neatly in with the tetsubo, didn't it? almost like i planned it that way...

One point that's come up is the absence of Kyuubi. basically, this was due to the entire chapter, apart from the very start, finish and interjections, being entirely flashbacks. since Sasuke and Sakura don't know about Kyuubi yet, Naruto isn't mentioning him. Kyuubi's peanut gallery comments were probably there, but they weren't able to be reported on and so were not included.

More than a few readers have expressed curiosity as to the nature of the gifts Naruto gave Tsunade and Shizune. while i'm sure you've already gone there, the answer can be found in "Tales of Oops". i like to think the reaction was suitable amusing...

It's good to see people still like the YouthSpeak concept. methinks i'll have to include more of it.

On the subject of ships, this is a Naruto/Tenten, Naruto/Shizune story. i've no problem with other pairings, but Naru/Hina is already well-represented and i don't think Naru/Saku would be funny enough. And sorry folks, no Naru/Harem. there might be more than one girl chasing him, but only one's gonna catch him.

Finally, the typos and grammar problems. yeah, sorry. i tend to type pretty fast and more than a few errors manage to make it through the spellchecker intact, the "quite" vs. "quiet" issue being a good example. i do my best to proofread during the editing process, but if they still make it through, my apologies.

Nothing else immediately springs to mind. as i said, i'll try to have a chapter up sooner next time to prevent this from happening again. alternatively, i'll respond to reviews individually, if there looks like being a lot again. please rest assured, i treasure each and every one of them, and they are heartily appreciated.

Next on "Oops!":

**"Beauty and the (Green) Beasts"**!


	7. Beauty and the Green Beasts

Nope, still don't own Naruto.

'_Thinking'_

"**Kyuubi speaking"**

-Sound Effect-

'_**Jutsu'**_

* * *

Neji was doomed. He was certain of this. He had carefully collected the evidence, weighed up the points for and against and arrived at the conclusion via a series of logical steps.

He, Hyuuga Neji, was doomed.

_Really_ doomed.

'_Today started off so well, too,'_ he thought as he and Hinata walked towards Team Gai's usual training ground. No missions, Naruto-san and his team out of the village on (apparently) a two-week escort mission (payback from their jounin sensei, or so the grapevine had it. Something about a crushed bookshop), his efforts with the Cat contract finally bearing fruit (where the Toad contract gave the untrained Summoner tadpoles and the Snake contract tiny grass-snakes, the Cat contract called up wiry, vicious alley-cats. Neji had not been pleased!). A rather pleasant day, in other words.

And then, with a simple request from his cousin, he was Doomed.

* * *

"You want to _what?!_"

It took a great deal to bring open emotion to the features of a male Hyuuga. Under normal circumstances, anything less than an open death threat would provoke, at best, a raised eyebrow. To provoke something of the magnitude of the yell that has startled birds from roofs across the entire Hyuuga district would take something incredible, something unthinkable, something-

"I-I want to ask Gai-sensei for strength training, Neji-niisan."

Yep, that'll do it.

Neji made a brave attempt to wrap his mind around the concept of _anyone_ not an insane devotee of a blinding colour actually willingly choosing to inflict Gai-sensei's training on themselves, only to fail.

Utterly.

Brushing that aside (for the sake of his mental health), the Hyuuga prodigy cast an assessing gaze at his now-fidgeting cousin.

'_Let's see…blush, finger-twiddling, that stutter…Dammit.'_

"It's because of Naruto-san isn't it, Hinata-sama?"

To his surprise and (secretly) pride, the inevitable fluorescent blush following the mention of the blond for once did _not_ herald a lapse into unconsciousness for the bluenette.

"Um…yes. Yes, it is."

Neji sighed. "Very well, but why Gai-sensei, out of all the jounin in Konoha?"

"Eto…"

---

Pacing in her room (surprisingly to most who thought they knew her, _not_ bright orange or filled with Naruto imagery. It wasn't as though she needed to be reminded of what her Naruto-kun looked like, after all!), Hinata considered matters.

'_Alright Hinata, just like Kurenai-sensei said. Examine the situation from a logical perspective.'_

Fact: Naruto-kun was now very, very strong.

Fact: Naruto-kun was now training with Tenten-senpai from Neji-niisan's team.

Fact: Naruto-kun was, as a result of this, getting close to Tenten-senpai.

Fact: If something were not done, she would lose her Naruto-kun!

Bolting upright on her bed, the look of fierce determination on Hinata's face would likely have shocked those who knew her.

Clearly, there was some common thread to the women Naruto-kun liked. Isolating the common thread would allow her to more easily make use of it. What could it be, though?

Sakura-san had a bad temper that could be mistaken for 'spirit', but both Shizune-san and Tenten-senpai were quite calm. Shizune-san and Tenten-senpai were older, but not Sakura-san. Tenten-senpai had that weapons-thing, but that ruled out the other two.

Flopping down on her bed with a huff, Hinata pouted. It was so frustrating! About the only thing they seemed to have in common was that they were…all…strong…

Shizune-san was an accomplished jounin and practitioner of a very challenging branch of ninjutsu. Strong.

Tenten-senpai practiced a physical art and held her own as the only female in a team of geniuses. Strong.

And Sakura-san, well, despite her lack of skills as a shinobi, no-one who had ever seen her lose her temper would deny her personal strength. Strong.

Clearly, then, it was strength that Naruto-kun was attracted to! Even his mother-in-all-but-blood Tsunade-sama was strong! That was it!

Conclusion reached, Hinata once again resorted to logic.

Supposition: growing stronger would allow her to get closer to Naruto-kun.

Fact: training with someone strong would allow her to get stronger.

Fact: Neji-niisan's jounin sensei, Maito Gai, was the physically strongest shinobi in Konoha.

Fact: Naruto-kun was currently receiving training with Team Gai.

Fact: training with Team Gai would allow her to grow stronger _and_ get closer to Naruto-kun!

Conclusion: she would arrange for training from Maito Gai-sensei!

---

"Hinata-sama," sighed Neji as he strove to block out the hopeful gaze of his cousin. "I admire that you wish to get stronger, but you are family. There is nothing you can do that will make me allow Gai-sensei to inflict his ideas of training on you."

"…Three new plushies and the new, uncensored, _'Kittens of Konoha'_ calendar."

"…"

* * *

"Gai-sensei, I would like you to meet my cousin, Hyuuga Hinata."

'_Curse my love of the Cute! Curse it!'_

Wincing both at the volume of Gai-sensei's greeting and the thought of what Hinata-sama was about to inflict upon herself, Neji glumly contemplated the myriad, inventive, Hiashi-dono-inflicted punishments that surely lay in his future.

In fact, that was another area worthy of gloom. In the months following Neji's battle with Naruto-san in the Chuunin exams and the subsequent reconciliation between nephew and uncle, Hiashi-dono had made a rather abrupt about-face in his attitude toward his daughters. A subtle change, certainly (at least to a non-Hyuuga) - Hiashi-dono was still every bit as stern and stoic as ever- but where before that reserve hid a firm disdain and lack of concern for his daughters' fates, it now hid a raging and at times alarming paternal protectiveness.

It was common knowledge within the Hyuuga compound that Hinata-hime and Hanabi-hime would be living under curfews until they were thirty.

Hence Neji's present dismay. Since the new Hiashi-dono had yet to develop a sense of proportion concerning his daughters, a grazed knee or inconsequential act of rudeness would more likely than not be met with the same response as an attempted assassination, either response being delivered with the same cool, emotionless Hyuuga efficiency.

Neji made a mental note to have a quiet word with the Green Beasts as soon as possible on the subject of proper behaviour, improper and the violent, Byakugan-impelled vengeance that would inevitably follow the latter.

Carefully noting from the shadows that the all-too-familiar genjutsu had dissipated, the stoic young man sighed. He _definitely_ should have stayed in bed.

* * *

Hinata had to admit, she had been a little apprehensive at the thought of training with Neji-niisan's sensei. There were stories about the bowl-cut jounin, crazy stories about insane training. Carrying boulders, kicking through tree-trunks, that sort of thing. Hinata, being the kind-hearted soul she was, had always dismissed the stories as rumour and exaggeration, with perhaps a _touch_ of envy on the part of the speaker. They couldn't _possibly_ be true!

Now though, as she stared at the burning eyes (casting faint shadows from their brightness) and shining grin of her temporary sensei, the young Hyuuga found she could believe every single one.

She was no longer a little apprehensive. No, she was now _extremely_ apprehensive!

Snapping out of her nervous reverie, the shy bluenette jerked upright as Gai spoke.

"So tell me, Hinata-chan, why do you wish to take part in our Youthful Training?"

"Ano…I-I wish to get stronger…for someone important to me, and Kurenai-sensei said your training w-was the best for that."

In point of fact, Kurenai-sensei's words had been more along the lines of "Gai's training will make you insanely strong, but you'd need to BE insane to try it". Hinata had felt the paraphrasing could be forgiven, considering the good cause. Besides, the kunoichi persuasion classes she had taken at the Academy had stressed the importance of flattery in negotiations.

Judging by the look on Gai-sensei's face, the gambit had paid off. Puffing up slightly, the green-clad jounin placed his hands on his hips as he smiled approvingly.

"Well then!" he exclaimed. "As a favour to your increasingly Youthful cousin-"

Neji stifled a shiver at the description.

"- I shall assist in the realising of your youthful fires. Hinata-chan! Lee!"

"Gai-sensei!"

"Wha- Mmph!"

"Hinata-chan! Lee!"

"Gai-sensei!"

"Mm! Mmph!"

---

Fortunately for the now thoroughly-terrified Hyuuga heiress, Gai released the Three-Way Hug of Youth (patent pending) when he noticed his newest student going limp. A few hurried apologies and a great deal of gasping later and the three set about the training.

Neji and Tenten, meanwhile, bowed their heads in prayer.

"Yosh. You have stated the desire to become strong as quickly as possible, Hinata-chan," said Gai, his bearing uncharacteristically serious. Continuing at Hinata's nod (and ignoring the smell of incense wasting from Tenten and Neji's direction), he gestured her over to a pile of stones.

"I will be truthful, Hinata-chan. This training will require every spark and flicker of your spirit and willpower. It will be exhausting and at times painful. But I promise you, you will be stronger than you have ever been, if your drive is firm enough." He paused, eyes calmly meeting her own nervous gaze. "What is your decision?"

Strong. Strong plus Hinata equalled Naruto-attention. Naruto-attention plus time plus effort equalled snuggles! Snuggles plus time equalled…

Gai and Lee shared a concerned look as the shy girl flushed a Youthful but slightly worrying red, eyes glazing over and a silly grin appearing on her face

Tenten twitched from where she was idly twirling a double-ended chain-flail ("Mr. Smashy-smash"). Neji silently winced at the narrow-eyed glare he was suddenly receiving.

'_Oh goodie,'_ he thought bitterly as his apparently-aggravated team-mate straightened. _'Dodging practice today.'_

Lee took a cautious step forward when the fugue went into the second minute.

"Ano, Hinata-san?"

"I'LL DO IT! Eto, I mean, yes, Gai-sensei. For the person I admire, I will accept the training!"

Gai's features, formerly serious, were transformed as a proud smile appeared on his face.

"Yosh! The Flames of Youth are strong in you, Hinata-chan! Let the Training begin! Come Hinata-chan, Lee! We shall now run one hundred laps of Konoha!"

"Hai!"

"Hai!"

* * *

"And…one hundred! Well done, Hinata-chan! Now, we shall climb the Hokage Monument thirty times using only our hands! Yosh!"

"Hai!"

"H-Hai!"

* * *

"Thirty, excellent! Now, one thousand squat-jumps while holding a boulder!"

"Hai!"

"H-haiii…"

* * *

"Well done, Hinata-chan! Next, two hundred push-ups while in a handstand!"

"Hai!"

"Haa, Hai…"

* * *

"And finally, thirty laps of Konoha at a full sprint with weights on our ankles!"

"Hai!"

"…"

* * *

Arriving back at the training ground in a cloud of dust, Gai beamed approvingly at his students. Really, the level of enthusiasm and dedication demonstrated by the young heiress was inspiring! Not only had she not bowed out of the training (and Gai was in fact fully aware that most people considered his training methods a tad extreme), she had managed to keep up!

Granted, she seemed a bit tired and out of breath, but there was clearly potential!

Truly inspiring, that's what it was. Why, even the Youthful Neji and Tenten were going about their training with added fervour. One might almost think Tenten really was attempting to dismember her comrade, such was the energy being displayed!

"Well," he said, flicking a slight sheen of sweat from his brow. "Now that we have warmed up our Youthful fires with some light exercise, let us begin the training proper!"

"Blarg."

"As I said, once Hinata-chan has gargled and washed her face, let us begin the training proper!"

"Yosh! I shall assist Hinata-san to the stream, Gai-sensei. She seems slightly fatigued."

Nodding his approval to the green-garbed genin who proceeded to slip one of Hinata's arms over his shoulders and all but carry her off, Gai considered.

Goken would not truly serve in this instance. Strength was more a precursor and prerequisite for goken than an effect, after all. Standard weight training was out as well. Bulky muscle was a no-no for shinobi, kunoichi in particular. No, what was required here was strengthened and lengthened fast-twitch muscle, reinforced slow-twitch and some skeletal development. As quickly as possible, no less.

Gai's sudden grin brought shivers to the spines of everyone within the city walls.

'_Finally,'_ he thought eagerly. _'An opportunity to use _that_ jutsu!'_

_---_

Once she had washed her face and rinsed the remnants of breakfast from her teeth, Hinata was feeling quite a bit better about the training. Oh, she was still in agony, make no mistake about that! But there was also the undeniable fact that she had managed to keep up. She hadn't quit, hadn't given up and hadn't stopped until Gai-sensei had called the halt! For the first time in a very long while, Hinata felt a sense of real accomplishment.

And then there was Lee-senpai. She honestly found it a little surprising that anyone on a team with both Gai-sensei and Neji-niisan (their many admirable traits notwithstanding) could be such a gentleman, but there you go. Lee-senpai had helped her to the stream, steadied her as she washed her face and even produced a towel for her from somewhere when she was done, all the while exclaiming over the "Brightness of her Youthful Fires" at having made it through the 'warm-up' and delicately avoiding mention of her embarrassing gastric malfunction.

It was easy to see why Lee-senpai was friends with Naruto-kun, she thought with a giggle. The same open, cheerful optimism about people was a defining trait in both of them, as well as that bouncy energy that seemed to crackle in the air when they got excited.

'_Like Akamaru with a ball.'_ She thought, Lee casting a curious glance her way at the quiet chuckle that slipped out.

A very deeply hidden part of Hinata's shy and gentle soul seized on the comparison line of thought and threw out an image of Naruto-kun in Lee-senpai's stretchy suit, prompting the Hinata O.S to engage some emergency breaker switches to stave off a lapse into unconsciousness. Fighting off the blush with the experience of frequent practice (though saving the mental image for further and extended examination), the flustered heiress returned to her musing with a slight smile.

In fact, she thought as she politely waved off Lee-senpai's offered arm, if it weren't for the mind-numbing and agonising muscle pain and exhaustion, this training session would be quite pleasant.

Her good mood lasted right up until she re-entered the clearing and caught sight of what Gai-sensei was holding.

"Ah, back on your feet so quickly!" roared the eccentric jounin, the lavender spandex suit fluttering in the breeze produced. "Yosh! It speaks well of your Youthful Fires that they have re-kindled with such speed! You are much like the vibrantly Youthful Naruto-kun in that respect!"

Normally, being compared favourably with her crush and object of rose-tinted devotion would send the gentle girl into a swooning, blissful fugue-state. In this case, however, Hinata's mind failed to even register the compliment, occupied as it was with a silent prayer concerning the suit.

'_Please be for Neji, please be for Neji…'_

"Now," continued Gai, mistaking Hinata's apprehension for eagerness. "To further your Youthful strength training, I have arranged for you this Youthful training suit of Youthfulness!"

'_Dammit!'_

That's right, Gentle Reader. Hinata _thinks_ words she would _never_ say.

"Please put it on, that your Youthful training may be accelerated."

"Yosh!" shouted Lee, fist clenched in manly excitement. "Hinata-san will surely be filled with the Flames of Youth in such a garment! I feel inspired!"

Making a mental note to repress the memory of this training as much as possible (the Man-Hug no Jutsu ranking fairly close to the top of the deletion list), Hinata trudged into the leafy shade to change. Condensing and releasing a sharp chakra pulse (both to short out any hiding techniques and as a painful lesson in privacy to any stickybeak doujutsu), she cast a peeved glance at the Suit and sighed.

'_If I had known this training would involve spandex I'd have gone with the examiner lady in the trench-coat from the Chuunin exams after all, scary or not!'_

* * *

All across Konoha, man, woman and beast shuddered in sudden terror.

* * *

Donning the Suit (and it deserved the capital letter, oh my, yes), the by now thoroughly dismayed Hyuuga heiress stalked back to her sensei, face bright red and gaze downcast in displeasure. This was so _embarrassing_! The Suit…_clung_! And- And…_gripped_! It didn't hide her figure at all! She, Hyuuga Hinata, would have to walk around in lavender spandex!

Hinata sullenly emerged from the undergrowth, firmly slipping her jacket on over the suit, her expression making it abundantly clear that a line was being drawn, beyond which there lay monsters.

"Ah, Hinata-chan!" roared Gai at her return (silently noting the small act of defiance and approving). "Your Youthfulness fairly shines forth! I shall now explain the significance of the Maito Training Suit."

Hinata (having been firmly raised by her nannies in the "If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all" philosophy) judged it safest to maintain a respectful silence and watch for any passing flickers of meaning in the probable torrent of words.

"The Maito Training Suit of Youth is the crowning achievement of my clan," the energetic jounin continued, his voice losing some (but by no means all) of its bombasticity. "My ancestors were technique designers by speciality, designers of genjutsu, ninjutsu, fuuinjutsu. In virtually any technique scroll you may lay a hand on in Konoha, you will find a contribution from my clan. Yes," he continued at Hinata's now-fascinated look, "If it is not a family or clan-developed technique, odds are that a Maito has been involved in the development. And yet, it is in Taijutsu that my family truly shine. Taijutsu, when ninjutsu is defeated, genjutsu is dispelled and fuuinjutsu broken. Taijutsu developed, strengthened and perfected through the aid of the other three schools of techniques. And now that you have donned the Suit," he straightened, a broad, happy, yet utterly terrifying smile appearing on his face, "we can begin…"

* * *

Tenten watched the interaction from across the clearing with mixed and conflicted feelings. The greater part of her, it being abundantly clear to all just who the young kunoichi's "special someone" was, wanted to unfurl her scrolls, to call forth her armament in wrath and divine stabby vengeance on the interloper.

Or at least to make it abundantly clear just who had first dibs on the whiskered blond, she thought, distractedly flicking a kunai at the only other Hyuuga within range.

"Ah!"

"Oops, sorry Neji!"

Tuning out Neji's ranting, Tenten sighed. As cathartic and satisfying as going all Sengoku on the shy heiress would be, she knew it was ultimately impractical.

'_Damn anti-justifiable murder laws!'_

**Thunk.**

"Aah!"

"Sorry again."

"My hair!"

Still, there was another part of her that could actually admire the bluenette's dedication. As unwelcome as having yet another contender for Naruto might be, it took real dedication to willingly go through Gai-sensei's training.

'_Well, that or a serious mental problem…'_

**Thunk.**

"Are you _aiming_ for my head?!"

"Sorry!"

And when you came down to it, Hinata _was_ legitimately trying to improve herself. Granted, her motive for said improvement was a little suspect, but willingness to go to outrageous lengths to become better was something that Higurashi "I once threw kunai for three straight days to improve my stance" Tenten could, at base, respect.

**Thunk.**

"Stop aiming for my head!"

That didn't mean she liked it, though!

Absentmindedly unsealing another scroll of pointy implements (to Neji's silent dismay), Tenten pondered. It was possible that the pearl-eyed girl would give up during the training, thus neatly removing herself from the field. Unlikely, though; if she hadn't been discouraged by now, she'd probably muscle through on pure will-power.

**Thunk.**

"Aah! My hair-!

So. Assume she makes it through, gets as strong as she hopes and Gai-sensei intends. Would Naruto like the end result?

"Why would you hurt my hair?!"

Probably, but not in the way the Hyuuga was thinking. Likely as not, the whiskered blond would prove as clueless as he normally was and just complement Hinata on "getting stronger", leaving things as they were.

Yes, she thought. Better to see how matters turned out and just scale up her own actions.

* * *

"Come now, Hinata-chan! five hundred push-ups! Let your Youth blaze forth!"

"H-Hai!"

As the shy girl wincingly began the exercises (with Lee doing the same in the interests of fellow-feeling), Gai beamed with pride as he began his explanations.

"As I said, Hinata-chan, the Training Suit is the product of considerable work in the field of fuuinjutsu. You may be feeling chakra pooling in your limbs?"

"Yes, Gai-sensei. H-how…?"

"There are specialised chakra feedback/genjutsu seals woven into the fabric over the primary muscle groups and nerve clusters. As you exercise the muscles, the seals will feed the radiant chakra produced back into the muscles concerned, accelerating the speed of development by several orders of magnitude and eliminating a good portion of the fatigue. How are you feeling?"

"Um, good, Gai-sensei," Hinata replied with a blink of surprise. "My arms, back and chest feel a little tired, but not too bad. There's an odd tingling, though…"

"That will be the Youthful Feedback Seals stimulating the growth of muscle tissue." Replied the jounin with a beaming smile of approval. "We shall now undertake a youthful conditioning regimen in order for the Suit to develop your muscles and skeleton sufficiently for Phase Two."

More than a little unsettled at the fact that even the energetic and positive Lee had a look of fear and concern at the mention of "Phase Two", Hinata silently nodded while mentally commending her spirit to the heavens.

"Now then," continued Gai, his tone growing in volume and energy. "Fifty laps of Konoha at a full sprint, Hinata-chan! The power of Youth compels you! Explode!"

"Yosh! Yes, Hinata-san, let us burn with Youthfulness as we prove the genius of Hard Work!" roared Lee (privately feeling that he had remained Unyouthfully silent _entirely_ long enough). "I shall strengthen myself beside Hinata-san, that we may enhance our Youth to greater heights!"

"Lee! Your Youthfulness moves me! Yes, let us go! For Youth!"

"For Youth!"

"F-For Youth…!?"

Eyebrow twitching slightly (but elegantly. Hyuuga thing) as she followed the dual Green Beasts' dust trail, Hinata gritted her teeth as the buzz of chakra arose in her legs and lower back.

'_Making Naruto-kun proud, making Naruto-kun proud…'_

* * *

On a well-travelled highway some five days out from Konoha, a certain orange-clad blond Force of Destruction nearly fell off the wagon on which he was riding as he sneezed abruptly. Shrugging, he returned his focus to watching for threats to the convoy and quietly cursing Kakashi-sensei for taking the most boring D- disguised as a B-Rank mission that ever was.

"**Ghezuntheit, Gaki."**

'_Thanks, fox.'_

* * *

Several days passed. As promised, the training was exhausting, painful and strenuous. More than once, she had simply passed out the moment training had finished, being helped (or more commonly) carried back to the Hyuuga compound by Neji and a touchingly concerned Lee.

There had been times (typically after the third or fourth set of five hundred push-ups, or the fifth set of learn-by-experience grappling kata) when she had come very close to quitting. To giving up the agonising stretching techniques, the muscle conditioning, the constant exhaustion and (not incidentally) the seemingly constant yelling, and returning to her old world, where Hyuuga Hinata may have been weak and shy and unconfident, but was at least not expected to perform deep leg squats in sets of a hundred while holding a boulder!

And yet, for all that, she didn't. Whenever the voice that urged her to quit made itself known, there was always something there to so silence it again. Gai-sensei would beam at her and roar out his satisfaction at her efforts, or Neji-nii would catch her eye with that look of amazement, or Lee-senpai would flash her a grin or his famous 'Nice Guy Pose' as he trained alongside her and her arms wouldn't feel as tired, her legs would hurt a little less, and the fire she was feeling inside would burn a little higher, and she begin again.

And even better, she was getting results! Apparently, when Gai-sensei used the phrase "several orders of magnitude faster" in relation to muscle growth, he really meant "fast enough to send a long-term steroid junky into a jealous rage". The basic physical conditioning routine had been accelerating frighteningly fast, in both repetitions and intensity. The basic set of five hundred push-ups had become fifteen hundred with a slightly flustered Lee-senpai sitting on her back, for example. Her running speed on their laps of the city walls was now sufficient that, provided neither of them removed their weights or really went all out, she could keep up with Gai-sensei and Lee-senpai. For a lap or two, at least.

A slight grin crossed her face as she continued her third set of ab crunches from her position on the underside of a tree branch. There had been one or two other benefits that, while unexpected, were highly welcome.

Juken, for example. She had, that morning, run through her normal Juken practice of precision strikes on a heavy sandbag and had been somewhat shocked to see her fingertips smoothly perforating the heavy layered canvas.

The slow grin that had appeared on her face at the sight of the slowly draining bag had sent Neji (practicing at the other end of the dojo) bolting for his room, muttering something about "not for all the plushies in the world".

Hinata had, after making sure the anti-doujutsu seals on the dojo walls were active, proceeded to pummel the sandbag to within an inch of its existence, giggling madly in happy catharsis.

Violence could be fun! Who knew?

* * *

"Achoo!"

"**Ghezuntheit."**

"Thanks, fox. You know, this isn't what I had in mind when you said you'd teach me 'an art of reading people, strategy, wit and intuition'."

"**Shut up and play, Gaki. Full House!"**

"Flush."

"**Graagh!"**

"Pay up, Tail-Boy!"

* * *

She would have considered it odd before, but there was something very…_validating_…about being able to unleash destruction on something deserving, she thought as the finished her crunches and smoothly dropped back to ground level. In fact, she concluded as she began a set of free-weight exercises, joined by Gai and Lee, once you got past the tearing, crippling pain and exhaustion, there really were definite benefits to this training.

And, once you got used to it, the Suit was actually kind of…_cute_.

---

Neji, deep in repression as he dodged kunai flung by an increasingly-tense and irritable Tenten, felt a cold chill flicker up his spine. A chill that cost him another five centimetres of fringe as his dodge failed to take him quite out of the path of a kunai.

"Why do you hate my hair, Gods?!?"

Tenten sighed. Great. First the spandex fest and now she got to deal with Neji on the Youthful Calming Tablet again. Yay.

This was clearly not her week, she thought, absently force-feeding the gibbering Hyuuga prodigy the pill through application of a headlock. Still, she brightened as a thought occurred, better to make the best of a bad situation. Slinging the now somewhat more mellow Neji over a shoulder, Tenten set off for the hospital.

'_I wonder what Shizune's doing…?'_

---

The clank of the seventy-kilo dumbbells striking the ground was quite loud as the three spandex-clad shinobi finished their exercises. "Very good, Hinata-chan, Lee-kun. your Youth is burning brightly! Lee! Make seven ascents of the Monument in squat jumps! Go!"

"Osu!"

Gai nodded in approval at the departing Lee before turning back to Hinata, his expression becoming somewhat pensive.

"It is time, Hinata-chan, to move on to the second phase of the Youthful Strength Training. However," he mused, taking in the reserved look on the face of his temporary student, "I sense you have some reservations."

Oh no, what could she say to that? Gai-sensei had been so kind and supportive. How could she-?

"Do not be afraid to speak your mind, Hinata-chan," said the green one gently. "It is clearly something that concerns you."

Nodding and taking a deep breath, Hinata looked at her teacher directly.

"It is just that…the person I admire, who I w-want to make proud of me will be returning soon, and I-I don't think I am strong enough yet!"

Wincing, the young Hyuuga heiress stared at her feet. How could she be so rude? Gai-sensei had accepted her, trained her, given her the Suit and she was complaining? How-

Pleased chuckling broke through her mental tirade. Gingerly glancing back up, she was shocked and relieved at the broad grin on the jounin's face.

"The person you admire is very fortunate to know you, Hinata-chan. There is no shame in wanting to work hard for another. And do not worry!" he yelled suddenly, fingers moving through a long series of hand-seals, "your physical condition is now sufficiently improved to allow us to advance to Phase Two! _**Maito Family Training Technique: Montage no Jutsu!**_"

A flash of light and a full-body shiver later and Hinata opened her eyes to find herself in a dojo. Polished floors, walls festooned with racks of equipment and a wall-scroll with the kanji for 'Guts' decorating the wall directly ahead. Looking down, she found that she was still clad in the Suit, with the addition of wrist, ankle and belt weights.

"Welcome, Hinata-chan, to the Mental Training Hall."

Turning, she saw Gai-sensei, clad in a simple white gi, fixing her with an amused smile.

"This is the preliminary stage of Montage no Jutsu," he said, answering her unspoken question. "A blend, as I said, of nin-, gen- and fuuinjutsu, Montage no Jutsu can compress two weeks of intensive training into a single hour. Genjutsu provides the necessary mental constructs and time compression effect and ninjutsu, combined with the feedback seals in the Suit, allows the mental training to affect the physical body. A most Youthful technique, I feel!"

"B-But, a technique like this would be priceless! How-?"

"'How is it not better known?'" Gai finished for her. "There are several drawbacks to this technique," he continued at her nod. "First is the fact that the muscles and bones must be at a certain level of development or irreparable damage would be done to the body. Since that level is what most would term 'strong enough' anyway, most of those who might use this technique think it not worth the effort. As well, the subject's chakra network must be well-developed in order for the nin- and genjutsu to function properly."

"Is that why Lee-ku, er, Lee-senpai…?"

"Yes," he confirmed sadly. "If it were not for his condition, such a technique-!"

Shaking off his pensiveness, the jounin grew cheerful once more.

"Still, Lee has acquired great powers of Youth through his own hard work and willpower alone! A true inspiration!"

Smiling in response to the look of glowing pride on her teacher's face, Hinata schooled her expression to seriousness once more as Gai continued.

"The final drawback of Montage no Jutsu is that the caster must be included in the mental training as well. Not many have the patience to guide a student through two weeks of intensive training, unfortunately."

Hinata had a flash of Kakashi-sensei attempting the jutsu and managing to be two weeks later even then.

'_Good,'_ thought Gai at the young girl's giggles. _'Relaxed is good.'_ Clearing his throat, he firmed his stance as the Hyuuga heiress stiffened.

"Now that explanations are finished, we shall begin. Are you ready?"

"Hai!" replied Hinata smartly, pale eyes determined.

"Then, _**Activate!**_"

Hinata felt the scene grow misty as, of all things, music began playing. Memories from her introduction to Kiba's record collection (it had taken all she had not to laugh at the dozens of Enka recordings) identified it as that new 'Rock' music, heavy on the guitar with a simple and regular beat.

Quite catchy, really.

As the first few bars progressed, scenes shimmered in her mind's eye, real and immediate as they played, as though she were truly there.

_...Bench-pressing twenty kilos. Then forty. With one hand._

_...Running through wrestling forms, the belt around her waist coloured to show her level. White belt. Green belt. Black belt._

_...Chin-ups with ankle weights. Two hands. One hand. One finger._

_...Squats. Squats while holding a weight. A rock. A boulder. _

_...Sit-ups. Sit-ups while holding a weight. Sit-ups while suspended from a tree. While holding a weight. _

_...Push-ups. Push-ups with weights. On one hand. On one finger._

The images accelerated, merging, parting. As they danced, some distracted part of Hinata, removed from the jutsu, marvelled at the feeling of power swiftly building in her limbs. Could this be what Gai-sensei, Lee-kun and Naruto-kun felt like all the time?

No wonder they were always so upbeat, this was amazing!

Gradually, though, the mill-race of scenes and images slowly faded into a quiet darkness as Hinata's psyche drifted into slumber.

* * *

"…ata-chan."

"Mmrph."

"Hinata-chan."

"…mm. Five more minutes, Otou-sama…"

A chuckle.

"Ah, greetings, Naruto-kun!"

"Aah!"

Bolting upright, Hinata looked around frantically for the whiskered blond, face beet red. Sighing in relief when the search came up negative, she turned the full arctic fury of the Hyuuga Glare ™ at the green-clad genin responsible, causing him to raise his hands defensively.

"I apologise, Hinata-chan, but you seemed determined to sleep and Gai-sensei advised me that this tactic, though Unyouthful, would be effective."

"Anyway," interjected Gai (recognising the potential for Unyouthfulness in the glare now aimed in his direction). "How are you feeling, Hinata-chan? You took to the Montage no Jutsu very well, with most Youthful effects."

Blinking, Hinata rose to her feet (not noticing the shocked looks of her freshly-returned-from-the-hospital-and-still-a-little-elsewhere cousin and Tenten as her coat fell to the ground) and conducted a quick self-assessment.

"I feel…good." She said, flexing her arms, enjoying the sensations of dense muscles moving against each other. "Very good! _Light_, and…_good_! Wow!"

She could see the reasoning for the Suit, now. Probably nothing else would be as comfortable right now. Idly turning a leg-thick tree branch between her fingers and revelling in her new-found digit strength (juken strikes would be _interesting_ now, oh yes!) she finally caught the gawking looks being cast at her.

"Ano…is something wrong?"

Wordlessly summoning a signal-mirror from a scroll, Hinata's bun-headed rival/senpai handed it to her and took a measured step to the rear.

Suddenly frightened, the bluenette shakily moved her gaze to the polished metal. Had something gone wrong? Was she deformed? Misshapen? She felt wonderful, but what if she was some warped, over-muscled freak? What if-?

Ok. Face was fine, no changes there. Maybe just a little more definition in the cheeks, but she could live with that.

Moving down. Neck, ok too. A little more muscle, but not too much. At least she still _had_ a neck.

Shoulders. Ok, wow. Corded, dense yet compact muscle as far as she could see, the slightest twitch clearly visible through the spandex.

Arms, much the same. Not bulky by any means, but neither were they the willowy, slender arms of the Hyuuga ideal.

Swallowing nervously, Hinata angled the mirror further down.

Sweet heavens, she had a six-pack! No Hyuuga had a six-pack! _Otou-sama_ didn't have a six-pack!

The sleek muscle of thighs and calves was almost a let-down after the shock of the six-pack, but at least it was now clear why Tenten-senpai and Neji-nii were staring.

As it happened, though, it was only Tenten who was shocked at the (formerly) petite Hyuuga's sudden development. Neji, still feeling some lingering effects from the Calming Tablet and the meeting with Shizune-san at the hospital for a quick detox treatment for the same, was lost in a mental image of Gai-sensei somehow being contagious interspersed with nightmarish images of just what Hiashi-dono was going to do to him for allowing the demented jounin to corrupt his "precious little girl".

Tenten, however, was indeed taking in the changes. It was not everyday, after all, that you saw someone go from 'doll-like' to, for want of a better term, 'buffed' in a single hour, especially a member of a clan famous for its gracile body-type.

"Yosh! Hinata-chan's flames of Youth are burning ever brighter!" exclaimed Lee. "Her previous beauty has been stoked by your youthful training, Gai-sensei!"

Blushing brilliantly (which somehow contrasted quite nicely with the lavender bodysuit), Hinata mumbled her thanks.

'_That smile is just like Naruto-kun's.'_ she mused, fingers unconsciously tapping at the thought.

---

If the Gentle Reader has not hitherto seen an extremely well-muscled young lady in lavender spandex acting bashful, rest assured, it is a thoroughly adorable sight.

---

"Doomed. So very doomed. Utterly doomed."

Tenten absently planted an elbow into the muttering branch member's ribs as Gai looked on his newest success with pride.

"Yosh! Well done, Hinata-chan! Your youthfulness is blazing forth brilliantly! You have showed tremendous determination these past few days, as much as any of my youthful students! Know that, should you wish to further expand and fan your flames of youth, you will always be welcome to train with us."

"Yes, Hinata-chan," added Lee, the flames in his eyes veritable bonfires. "Your youthful determination has been an inspiration to us! Please lend your Youthfulness to us!"

'…_that sounded so wrong.' _Thought Tenten, schooling her features to stillness.

'_They…actually want to train with me?'_ wondered Hinata in pleased surprise. Gai-sensei and Lee-kun were so kind!

'_Doomed!'_

Guess who?

Taking in the beaming smiles of the two Green ones (ignoring the horror on the face of her cousin) and the grudging respect on the face of Tenten-senpai, Hinata came to a decision. There was still some time before Naruto-kun was due to return and (if Gai-sensei's exuberant shouting was to be believed) many more exercises to try.

"Gai-sensei! Please train me further!" she said firmly, stutter gone.

Lee cheered, Tenten sighed, Neji passed out, and Gai…

Gai smiled, pride and approval beaming out like a burning brand. Taking a deep breath, he mustered his youthful strength and flashed the Nice Guy Pose, teeth glinting in the golden sunlight.

"Very well! Come, my youthful students! Fifty laps around Konoha to cool our burning blood!"

"Yosh!"/"Yosh!"

As Hyuuga Hinata ran after her part-time sensei and second-favourite genin, she smiled.

Life was indeed Youthful.

* * *

In the end, it was actually several days before the changes undergone by Hinata-sama came to Hiashi-dono's attention. Several very…_tense_... days on Neji's part, filled with anxiety and paranoia. Finally, just as a little flicker of hope had begun to spark, that perhaps Hiashi-dono would _not_ be mad, he had been summoned to the clan leader's study.

"Neji-kun," said the stone-faced patriarch as the young man knelt in seiza. "I wonder if you might be able to explain some slight…_changes_…I have noticed in my eldest daughter."

"Well-"

"Changes," the clan head continued, smoothly over-running Neji's attempt at reply, "such as the set of dumbbells, bench-press rack and the nautilus machine now set up in her quarters?"

"Um-"

"Or her sudden appreciation of the wonders of spandex?"

"That-"

"Or perhaps the dramatic increase in the frequency of the word 'Youth!' and its variants in her vocabulary?"

"Er-"

"Or, just maybe, you might offer some insight into the outcome of her most recent sparring match with her sister?" queried the stoic leader, picking up a sheet of paper.

"Ah yes," he said dryly. "The match began, Hanabi-chan attempted a disabling strike to the shoulder, Hinata-chan seized her by the wrist, applied a hitherto-unknown-to-us restraint hold, shouted, ahem, 'Divine Youthful Piledriver!'-"

Neji winced.

"-and forcefully applied Hanabi-chan to the tatami. A victory, but a most…unconventional one, wouldn't you say?"

Correctly interpreting the pause as an instruction to speak, Neji cleared his throat. Explanation time.

"Hinata-sama expressed a desire to become physically stronger and had selected Gai-sensei as the best possible candidate as an instructor. I attempted to dissuade her from this course, but was unsuccessful." Bowing forward, he placed first his hands, then forehead on the floor. "My deepest apologies."

There. Done. All up to chance now. Either Hiashi-dono would unleash the full apocalyptic fury of his fatherly over-protectiveness and reduce him to a small, red, jellyfish-like thing, or he wouldn't. A curiously liberating feeling, really.

"Not at all, Neji-kun. I'm delighted."

Wow. That was unexpected.

"This is the most confident I've seen my little girl in years, on a par with when she first mastered the Sixty-Four Palms. And the happy but surprised look she had when Hanabi-chan woke up was simply adorable.

"My little girl is growing up."

It wasn't Hiashi-dono acting the doting father that freaked him out, Neji would later observe. It was the fact that he did not once break from his Hyuuga monotone while doing so. To be able to say something like that, in a tone that might well make an Aburame blink in professional envy, and still make very clear one's utter sincerity bespoke a rare and frightening gift.

Pushing the matter of idiosyncratic vocal mannerisms aside, Neji once more allowed a flutter of hope to enter his heart. Perhaps, just perhaps, he might be able to avoid gruesome, twisty fatherly punishment today. Hiashi-dono had professed to being delighted, after all. Maybe-

"In fact, Neji-kun, Hinata-chan's training has had such a positive effect that I thought you might benefit from something similar. With that in mind, I've taken the liberty of having a word with a jounin of my acquaintance."

Neji felt his heart drop to his sandals, where it was trampled in a cattle stampede-

"Yo, Hiashi. This the kid?"

-and then eaten by a python.

Hiashi nodded, waving the purple-haired kunoichi forward. "Yes, Mitarashi-san. This is my nephew Neji. Neji-kun, an old acquaintance of mine, Special Jounin Mitarashi Anko."

Her characteristic grin stretching even wider at the slight look of terror on the boy's face, the snake mistress circled her new student with a possessive eye before turning back to the clan head.

"Eh. I'll either have him chewing nails and spitting kunai in a fortnight or break him in a week."

Hiashi considered for a moment before cheerfully (or at least, as close as a traditional Hyuuga ever got) nodding.

"Yes, I believe that would be satisfactory. By all means, take as long as you need. Have a pleasant training session, Neji-kun."

Yes, thought the shell-shocked Neji. Hiashi-dono was angry.

* * *

_**Omake no Jutsu!**_

Neji watched, impassive, as his cousin twitched in the grips of the genjutsu, flinching slightly at each muttered "Youth!" or "Yosh!"

"You did the right thing, Neji," said Kurenai-sensei, placing a comforting hand on the suffering youth's shoulder. "The 'Training from Hell' genjutsu will keep her from hurting herself until the Yamanaka can trace the source of the insanity and hopefully treat it."

Nodding absently in thanks, the stoic Hyuuga prodigy went back to watching over his cousin.

'_Actually _wanting_ to train with Gai-sensei. I'm sorry, Hinata-sama. I had to help you. Forgive me.'_

_

* * *

_

**Author's Notes:**

...And here's the latest chapter! To pre-empt some popssible questions that might arise, no, appearances notwithstanding, I am not going to add Hinata to the running. It's still Shizune or Tenten and stands to remain that way for the forseeable future.  
This marks the limit of my fore-planning, at least for 'Oops!' itself. I still have reams of ideas for 'Tales', though. As such, don't expect regular updates for 'Oops' anymore. There will still BE updates, panic not, but they won't be regular.  
Of course, that implies that they were regular in the first place.

Now, the **reviews:**  
Sadly, there were far too many reviews from my wondrful readers to conveniently respond to here. That being the case, I'm going to have to restrict myself to answering the more, for want of a better word, _verbose_ ones only. That being said, I appreciate and treasure every review i recieve, from the page-and-a-half diatribes to the simple "This is good" ones. If you submitted a review that isn't mentioned below, please don't think it's not appreciated.  
Anyway, to business:

InARealPickle: True, but i think the Tetsubo works better.

CelticReaper: the Whip might make a reappearance, but not soon. Naruto hasn't earned it yet!

Ageant: I thank you for your kind wishes, my friend. May the Beer Volcano overflow for you as well.

Wonderbee31: I'm glad you liked it. Tenten is a fun character to write for and about. And there's something about the scarecrow that's fun to mess with, ne?

FailGate: Concerning the Kakashi scenes, i sometimes feel i may have seen too much Looney Tunes as a child. Maybe?

Sir Trib The Bold: You'd think that, and it's certainly true that Kyuubi would probably like it, but for Naruto it means lots of extra applications of the 'Hands in your Pockets' rule. no missions with delicate stuff (like buildings, trees, bank vaults...) and really, being essentially known as "the ninja who can really break stuff"...? less cool than you'd think.

Capito Celcior: Yeah, at the moment Tenten's ahead, but i have some ideas...

cbadgr: Yep. there's something fun about the laconic, lazy Kakashi getting some karma, isn't there? the trick is to make them funny. THAT'S the challenge, i find.

kitsune of darkfire: sweet Pasta, that was a long sentance! glad you liked it mate, and i'll do my best.

Lord Sia: Hmm...i've done one 'Tales' chapter with an Akatsuki so far...interesting.

Bloodreaver Alpha: Oookaaay...SOMEONE'S channeling Jiraya...  
I like the way you think.

Quathis: Yeah, you'd be hard-pressed to find a ninja on the show without some quirk. i suspect it's to make the characters more memorable, but it also provides a handy writing hook.

spottedstar2: will do and glad you liked it!

Murasaki Tsukimaru: it just fits him, doesn't it?

helovestowrite: -ahem- Yosh! Another devotee of Youth has appeared! I thank you for your most Youthful comments, my friend! And Yes, Funny Kyuubi is indeed bursting forth with the Fires of Youthful Humour!  
Thanks!

The Chaos Master: Duely noted. sorry, but the Tetsubo is what he has. As far as the Ax-sword, sorry, i haven;t seen anything of Fate Stay Night, so it's not something i can really comment on. thanks for the comment, though.

DigiDrew: Well, that's effusive. thank you very much!

dogbertcarroll: you, sir, have a dirty mind. I heartily approve!

Maloran: ...Yeah, I don't think even Kyuubi would be willing to allow THAT level of potential mayhem come to pass.

DragonSoul: "Smylingsnake: His writing will make you snort!" I like that, thank you kindly!

EspyLacopa: the link seems to be broken. thanks for it all the same.

Rainy Day Pearl: a fight scene without snappy dialogue is little more than a long description with a lot of grunting, in my humble opinion. :P  
I hope you liked the chapter!

Yuki no Fukushuu: i love this kind of review. Thank you very much!

Veodus: Nope, the tetsubo description lines came entirely from my fevered imagination. glad you liked them.

Meatzman2: well, i'm happy it's grown on you. thanks!

snowecat: I had a similar experience myself in the museum in Ueno, Tokyo. there was a display of Katana blades there that just sent chills up my spine, all sharp and silver and glinting in the light...

Oracle Oci.: Nah. for the purposes of this fic, the changes are irreversible. besides, do you think Naruto's going to let the Kyuubi mess with his body a second time?

flood125: a very good point indeed...

volrath77: It's that line that i'm trying to be careful about crossing, keeping the really silly and outragious stuff for 'Tales'. good to know i haven't crossed over it just yet.

Finbar: all very good points, and much in line with my own thoughts. Here's hoping this chapter hasn't dashed your expectations, but there it is. as for Neji/Shiz, i'm leaning in that direction, but have yet to figure out a plausible plot. if you have some suggestions or ideas, please PM me.

Lady Knight Keladry: Glad you liked it! i take it you're a Tamora Pierce fan?

Masu Trout: man, where would i begin with that? so...many...verbal...mannerisms!

Mark Solo: What do you mean, mate? weapons are COOL!  
Kuroyama-san will be reappearing at some point, though i am yet not sure when.

Cristalake: I was pretty pleased with that one myself! And yes, i prefer to know my reviewers, so no anonymous reviews here.

AngelForm: Thanks! Naruto needed a weapon because Tenten decided he needed a weapon. simple as that, really.

ol69: No, both the Whip and the Tetsubo would be too much awesome.

Belle Mort 13: i hadn't planned on it, but i'll lend the matter some thought. Maybe a joint mission with Team Gai...

apathetica: fear not, no harem fics here!

The 17th Immortal: -looks shifty- TVTropes? what is this thing you speak of?  
Glad you liked it, mate.

Wolf Nosferatu: I've said it before and i'll say it again: The Testubo just FITS.

greivergf: Neji's weapon? Cat 'o Nine Tails, of course ;)  
I'm kidding, i'm kidding! Neji's not treally the sort for a weapon. maybe a set of throwing daggers or some other distance weapon. maybe senbon needles. good suggestions for the others, though i picture Shikamaru as more of a pulley-crossbow sniper sort of fellow. "Huh? oh, ok." -thung- "Ok, headshot, back to the cloud watching."

Kaouthakis: Ok, those comments make me picture Gai in a singles bar. please stop.

PhoenixFTW: That's me, causing facial injuries through the power of my writing. Thanks!

Tyrchon: I'd like to see THAT court scene: "Uzumaki Naruto, how do you plead on these charges of war crimes?" "Not Guilty on the grounds that I can squash you. literally." "When you put it THAT way..."

I N V E E S A B L E: Then i consider that a victory. the happy energetic cnaracters in shounen manga are sadly under-appreciated, i feel.

daniel 29: Yup. after all, Naruto has seen the results of pervy behaviour and the punishments thereof. besides, the Super Strength technique is cool, and we all know how Naruto feels about cool techniques.

alichi: I absolutely LOVE the variety of reviews i get for this story! thank you!  
I'm glad you liked the premise. as i said way back in chapter one, i wanted to do a Super-Naruto story with a difference. i like to think i'm doing pretty well so far, but time will tell.  
I'm not sure i'll be able to manage every item on your list, but after the response the 'San Dai Kami' chapter on 'Tales' got, i may be putting together a few "Naruto vs. ?" chapters for your enjoyment. it depends on if i can make them funny.

Richtar: now that just warms my heart. thank you!

Icy Sapphire15: as do i, my friend. "Princess Bride" is very nearly as awesome as Bruce Campbell, with better swordfights. and so quotable, too!

Well, that's it for the reviews. As i said above, i have a vague plan for the next chapter and a few ideas for later ones.  
I'll mainly be working on 'Tales' and 'Butterflies' the next few updates, as i have concrete plans for them, but if the Muse descends from hanging out with the Noodly One, i'll get to writing.  
Fear not, gentle readers, there will be no Hiatus notices posted here! Irregular updates, yes. Hiatus, no.

Still, if anyone has some suggestions, PM me. i can't promise i'll use them, or not twist them utterly out of their original form if i do, but feel free!

Once again, thank you all for your patience.

Stay Tuned.


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